Friday Funnies

After a week of gripes & job tips, we figured it was time to kick back with a cup of coffee and enjoy a few good jokes. Since we don't know any, these will have to suffice.

Enjoy the weekend!

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A guy walks into an office for a job interview. The interviewer asks him a few questions and then says, "Tell me what your dream job would be."

"Well," says the guy. "I guess my dream job would be one with a six-figure salary, corner office, and four weeks of paid vacation."

The interviewer thinks for a moment and then says, "Well, I guess I can tell you that we offer $150,000 for this position; it does come with a corner office; and we have six weeks of paid leave for all employees."

"Really??!?" the guy asks. "You're kidding, right?"

"Actually, I am kidding," says the interviewer. "But you started it."

********

A woman takes a job at a temp agency. She reports to work and discovers she will be filling in for a woman who will be out for six weeks of maternity leave.

"Is she a blond?" the woman asks.

"Why, yes," says the supervisor. "How did you know?"

"Well, the white out on the computer monitor was a start..."


*********

A common story about Harry Truman involves his well-known disposition for profanity. Reportedly at one formal function, the president was overheard exclaiming, "That's a bunch of horse manure!"

An elderly woman nearby raised her eyebrows and tugged at Bess Truman's sleeve. "Really," she whispered. "You should do something about your husband's language!"

Bess rolled her eyes. "My dear," she said. "I have. It took me twenty years before I could get him to say 'manure'."

The Importance of Due Diligence

Earlier this week I had an interview with a company out in Texas. Although the firm is based in San Antonio and thus far too close to Dallas for my tastes - growing up a Redskin fan does entail certain unavoidable idiosyncrasies you eventually learn to live with - I decided that given the current economic climate, I should at least keep my options open as far as relocation if the right job presented itself.

It turned out that this was not that job.

Well, to put it more precisely, the job may be right, but I learned very quickly that the firm wasn't. I also learned yet another lesson in the importance of doing one's homework in advance of any interviews. Allow me to elaborate.

I first heard about the firm on Linked In. One of the groups I belonged to ran an ad announcing a new position with this company. I clicked on the link, read through the job description, and found that the job looked like a strong match for my background and skills. I dropped the fellow a quick e-mail, and long story short, he wrote back and said he would forward my name & resume to one of the company recruiters and that I should expect a call.

Fantastic, I thought. We're off and running.

As part of any interview, I did some checking on the company's Web site to learn more about the work it does, what its history was like, where I thought my skills might be a strong benefit, etc. But I also did some additional checking on sites like Glassdoor.com, Hoovers, Jigsaw, and the Vault. What I found made my jaw drop.

No one had anything nice to say about the firm.

"Well, hold on," I told myself. "Every company's got some disgruntled employees, and it's not like anyone who is happy out there is going to go the extra mile to cheer the company or refute the gripes of a few bad apples." Besides, anyone with half a brain knows not to trust everything that appears on the Internet, right? But I kept digging and digging, and the more I found, the more concerned I became.

Someone actually started an anti-company blog about this place. I found the blog and read every entry. The gripes - high turnover, low morale, bad management - all paralleled the comments I saw on the business Web sites. The blog had had hundreds of visitors, and no one refuted any claims.

Now granted, this could simply be a vast outpouring of negativity by a few disgruntled people. And there's no way of knowing just how many of those hundreds of visitors to the anti-company blog were repeat ones or people telling their friends to check out their "gripe site." But the impact it had on me was admittedly quite strong. "Let's see, do I really want to move across the country to take a job with a company that has such a bad reputation on the Internet?" I wondered. Sure, there was always the chance that the vitriol I was seeing was misplaced or inaccurate, but did I want to take that kind of chance with a job? Put another way, if I accepted a position and moved across the country - and that would be at my own expense, I later learned, since the firm would not cover the relo - and the gripes did turn out to be valid, how would I feel then?

So what did I do? I went through the interview - it never hurts to have practice in answering the typical initial questions - but inquired at the end what the interviewer thought former employees would say about the firm. "Oh, I'm sure they would say it's a great place to work," she told me. "I've been here five years." When I pointed out the negativity on the Internet, she was - understandably - dismissive. "Every company has that element," she said.

I couldn't have agreed with her more, but the fact remains that other firms don't have anti-company blog sites about them with complaints that echo comments on job research sites. Sure, some do, and some are probably valid while others aren't. But if you're a job seeker looking for information about a firm and you come across multiple sources saying the same things - and all of them bad - you might be forgiven for deciding it's better to take your chances elsewhere with a different company.

Moral: Remember the old adage about looking before leaping. You may save yourself a great deal of future trouble through a bit of caution now.

Beware the Undead Job Description...

I had coffee with a college friend a few months ago who worked at a firm I'd been targeting since being laid off last year. It had been a while since we'd caught up, so I checked his company Web site to see if there were still any positions that I might fit in case he could forward my resume and perhaps earn a referral bonus. It turned out there was one.

It was the same position I'd applied and interviewed for almost one year ago to the day.

I went back and pulled up my notes - yes, I save everything during my job search, much to my wife's occasional complaint about my pack-rat behavior - and sure enough, it wasn't merely an identical position description, it was the exact same one.

At first, I was slightly confused. Had the search been reopened after the initially hired candidate failed to work out for some reason? No, I quickly concluded. If that had been the case, the company would undoubtedly have modified the description at least somewhat. That meant one of two possibilities: a) the company had been unable to fill the position over the past twelve months in a job market teeming with available talent that was desperately looking for work, or b) the job was frozen but still online.

Either way, I was angry. Why had I wasted my time a year ago applying to this place AND going through not one but TWO subsequent interviews if they weren't even going to be filling the job at all?

"We're not hiring anybody right now," my friend confided to me when we got together. "In fact, we're actually downsizing by attrition. But don't tell anybody."

"But then why are you still advertising for open positions if you're in a freeze or cutting?" I asked.

"Beats me," he said. "Probably because we're a publicly traded company, and pulling job descriptions off the Web would send a bad signal to shareholders."

To say I went home dejected that afternoon would be an understatement. How many other times had I done this? Applied to positions that were the job equivalent of the undead? Positions that weren't actually live jobs but which roamed cyberspace forever and lured fresh victims to feed on their frustration? (Yes, I'm stretching the metaphor here, but I had to find something to go with the picture above - I love it because the undead apparently still require corrective eyeware, which I never knew...)

I mentioned this to some recruiters and HR folks, and the answers I got were rather surprising - at least to me and probably anyone outside HR. "Companies do that all the time," one recruiter told me. "They may not be hiring at all, but they want to keep their finger on the pulse of the talent that's available. So they leave job descriptions up online even after something's filled or after it's determined not to be a priority position. That way, they can be assured of a constant pipeline of resumes to help them monitor the talent that's out there, see what the likely salary demands will be, and so on. And whenever someone at the company does leave, they have an immediate pool of applicants and know what it will take to fill a comparable position."

"But why not just say you're looking for people with XYZ skills instead of misleading applicants with what amounts to a fake job position?" I asked.

"Who knows?" the recruiter told me. "Someday they may decide to make it an actual position if they find the right candidate."

"But what if you ARE the right candidate?"

"Then it comes down to a matter of being in the right place at the right time," he told me. "You could be the perfect candidate and have all the right skills and experience, but if you apply at the wrong time - during a freeze, for instance - you won't get hired. But if a new manager comes in and decides that the position is urgent and does finally need to be filled or that the time to unfreeze has come, someone with lesser skills may make the cut if they're there at that moment and you're not. It all comes down to timing."

I went back and looked over several of the jobs I had applied for and cross-checked them against companies' current Web pages. Sure enough, in a number of instances many of the firms I had applied to - and in some instances interviewed with - still had the identical job descriptions posted online. Verbatim. Either they hadn't been able to find someone with the qualifications they were looking for, or the postings had turned into "zombie positions."

My advice? Do whatever you can to learn about a position before bothering to apply. Nothing will frustrate you more than spending a good deal of time crafting a carefully worded resume outlining how you match the various requirements for a position (and then preparing for a subsequent interview or two) only to get rejected and yet still see the exact same position online twelve or thirteen months later.

In other words, learn to watch out for the zombies.

How to Turn Off a Prospective Employee

Over the past year we've all seen countless articles and news reports about the do's and don'ts of job interviews. You know the kind - they advise you what to wear, what to say, and what not to do during an interview.

But I've yet to see something advising companies about what to do or not do when interviewing candidates.

So, based on my own experiences and those of my close acquaintances (you know who you are), here is an incomplete list of ways to turn off an interviewee. See how many look familiar:

Forget you scheduled an interview with someone. Nothing says "I respect you and your time as much as I want you to respect mine" like this. Better still? Come across with a I-can't-believe-I-have-to-do-this attitude that makes the prospect feel welcome. Once you've done that, you're ready to -

Keep the candidate waiting for at least a half hour if not forty-five minutes in the lobby. Nothing says, "I love playing mind games and want to let you know just how much more important my time is than yours" than this, especially if someone has already made an effort to be punctual for you.

Don't cancel the interview in advance, wait until the candidates arrives! I once interviewed with a Fortune 500 company - since defunct - where I successfully managed the delicate task of getting out of work for an afternoon without raising too many suspicions at my then-current job only to be told at the front desk when I arrived that, "Due to some unforeseen emergencies, we're going to have to reschedule the interview. We're very sorry." Now, admittedly, this sort of thing can happen, but bear in mind just how difficult it often is for candidates to repeat a disappearing act at their current jobs without raising any eyebrows. If you can't do that, then at least give some consideration to letting them know in advance rather than at the door after blocking out an afternoon to talk with you.

When you conduct the rescheduled interview, do it in the lobby instead of an office. This lets the candidate know just how well you treat your employees. Want to earn bonus points? Wave to your coworkers as they pass by so you can let the candidate know just how much s/he doesn't have your full attention. If this isn't enough -

Cancel the interview repeatedly. My wife once interviewed with a large consulting firm where she received a call on her cell phone as she was in the parking lot walking up to the entrance telling her they needed to postpone the interview for an hour. An hour later? They called her to say that they needed to reschedule for another date. Despite the less-than-respectful treatment, she actually agreed to another interview. (Yes, the unemployed can be desperate, and no, it's not nice to take advantage of this.) Guess what? The exact same thing happened again. On the plus side, she got an immense feeling of satisfaction when the firm called her back twice to plead for yet another chance. "I'm sorry," she told the placement firm trying to set up the interview. "That place showed no respect for my time and did me wrong not just once but twice. I'm not interested." Either the company in question couldn't manage its time effectively or was simply too disorganized and chaotic to pull off something as simple as scheduling a meeting. Either way, she knew it wasn't a place she wanted to work.

If you forget about the interview, put the blame on the candidate. I once showed up for an interview with a placement firm where the interviewer wasn't content to simply forget he had scheduled an interview with me, he tried to put the responsibility on me as the candidate for his oversight. "Did anyone call you to confirm this interview?" he asked me in the lobby. "No," I remember replying. "But nobody called me to say we had to reschedule, either." We met in his office forty-five minutes later, and afterward I e-mailed him twice to thank him nonetheless for his time and assistance. In retrospect, it was probably not too surprising that I received zero replies. Like my wife, however, I did get some sense of eventual justice: A year later this same fellow reached out to me to see if we could connect on Linked In. Apparently, his business partner had left him, and he was now struggling to make it on his own with his placement business. Needless to say, I declined his offer.

Use the candidate for free labor. I've heard of several firms that ask prospects to come up with a proposed business plan - a marketing initiative, product launch schedule, you name it. Before you block off several nights or an entire weekend to put some enormous PowerPoint deck together, ask yourself if the company is really looking for your input or if they're simply trying to use the job interview as a way of getting some fresh ideas. Remember, if you go to great lengths to put something together and they don't hire you, you've just given away the keys to the store; they can then take your ideas and those of other candidates and implement them without even bothering to hire anyone. (Yes, this happened to me, but no, I was not naive enough to give them everything I knew nor did I leave any soft or hard copies behind of what I produced, but the memory still haunts me.)

Everyone knows the job interview is not a level playing field - the employer has what you need (the job), and your job is to try and convince him/her that you have what they want (skills and competence). In plainspeak, this means they've got leverage and you, well, don't. That said, however, I think it's readily apparent that many firms forget just how much of a two-way street the entire interview process is; candidates are shoring you up just as much as you're looking them up and down to try and find a weakness or a flaw.

So if you're a manager who's always complaining about just how "difficult it is to find good talent these days," take a moment to stop and think what you might be doing wrong in addition to your candidates. You might be surprised to learn just how many things your company may be doing to turn off the very people you're supposedly trying to attract...

Lifestyle Changes of the Pre-Employed

Even by my standards, I have to admit yesterday's posting was a bit of a downer (although in fairness, it should be noted that no less an authority than Robert Samuelson of the Washington Post commented pretty much along the same lines, albeit in a bit more detail - yes, I'm taking 100% full credit for this & the line for congratulations forms to the right, please...), so in an effort to keep the collective chin up for today's readers (both of you out there), I thought I'd step back from the ledge and comment on the humorous (?) impacts of unemployment on one's life. To wit:

1. You stop drinking Andrew Murray and develop a profound appreciation for the fine wines of Charles Shaw (aka, "Two Buck Chuck").

2. When your TV dies and you have to replace it with your brother-in-law's old set, you may think your viewing problems are solved...until you realize the remote doesn't work and you must PHYSICALLY GET UP FROM THE COUCH to change channels. (For a guy, this qualifies as one of Dante's levels of purgatory...)

3. That vow you took after college to never again drink Budweiser and to only consume finer, respectable ales and lagers? Yeah, about that...

4. Speaking of college dieting, say hello to your old friend, Raman noodles! ("It's been a long time, hasn't it? How have you been?")

5. It's truly amazing how your Ipod never needed replacing or had any problems until you started watching your income like a hawk...

6. Speaking of appliances, that warranty on the microwave went out a few months back and - well, whaddya know? It's almost like the unit knew it was time to give up the ghost...

7. Good Side: More time for exercising and running! Bad side: "Well, this heatwave makes jogging dangerous...and the couch looks pretty comfortable right about now...and don't we have some pudding pops leftover in the freezer?"

8. Mac-n-cheese can be made into a gourmet meal with some chopped onions, a leftover jalapeno, and some crouton toppings. (And it goes wonderfully with the aforementioned Charles Shaw white, by the way...)

9. It IS possible to survive without cable TV and Netflix - however, the DVD selection at the local library is depressingly highbrow in terms of its nothing-but-PBS-selections. ("Oh, look! Ken Burns had another 36-hour documentary we never saw...")

10. You are ALWAYS awake because while you're technically without a job, you're somehow keeping Starbucks in the black with all the coffee you're guzzling as you network and meet with people every other day...


Got any other suggestions? Post 'em in the comments below.

Job Market Still in Deep Freeze?

Suppose you got a letter from your state government telling you that property taxes were going to be going up, but they couldn't tell you by how much. After you crumpled the paper in your shaking fist, your mind would probably start racing -as you tried to decide whether to reach for the bicarb, the bourbon, or both - with questions like, "What was last year's rate again? How much more will I be paying for the house now? What are the two cars in the driveway going to cost us?" You'd then start doing a mental tallying of your expenses and probably conclude that you wanted to hold off on any new purchases or expenses, and any thought of replacing the older car with a newer one would probably be shelved for the time being since you didn't want to deal with higher taxes on top of new monthly payments.

Welcome to every business's current nightmare.

Over the past 14 months, the federal government has approved two enormously complex legislative packages in the form of healthcare and financial reform, each with thousands and thousands of pages of new requirements that no one fully understands or has yet had sufficient time to analyze. Consequently, many companies have understandably put any major hiring plans on hold until they can figure out what the likely costs of these new laws will be. Assuming they will face higher insurance and compliance costs - something that seems all but inevitable given what we're reading in the papers every day - they're going to be less likely to hire more employees or make new investments.

In other words, the unemployment numbers we're currently seeing are likely to remain high for the foreseeable future.

It gets worse. According to the Wall Street Journal, the actual numbers of unemployed workers is significantly higher than official estimates when discouraged workers (i.e., those unemployed but who have given up looking after getting too many thumbs-down) are factored into the mix. Since the official rate - 9.7% as of this writing - only includes people looking and filing for unemployment, it doesn't reflect the actual number of people who are out of work. When these "I give ups" are included, the number is more like fifteen percent or seventeen percent.

That's one out of every six workers.

Just some food for thought as we head into the next legislative session with a (checks Washington Post online) $1.4 trillion deficit and still higher taxes on the way. Methinks we'll be looking at extending unemployment benefits a lot longer than 99 weeks.

By the way, want some perspective? Think of a trillion this way: If we simply measure time in seconds, we need to go back over thirty one thousand years to reach one trillion seconds. That's before the earliest known permanent human settlement and about the same age as the oldest cave paintings known to archaeologists.

FAQs

Well, only a few entries along and the questions are starting already. Take a look at these & feel free to post some comments. If I get a lot of the same, I may even answer...


Who are you?
I'm a "pre-employed" management consultant currently living in Virginia with my wife and our German shepherd, Iris. I was laid off from my job last year and have been trying - without success as of this writing - to land a new position. I figured it was well past time to start a blog about my experiences, and I'm also assuming one of two things will happen: I'll either get a LOT of material for further entries as the job search progresses, or I'll find a job and have to write about what that's like. So, either way, I guess it could be thought of as a "win."


Why should I follow your blog?
Why not? I'm writing about the same things millions of us are going through, but I'm trying to share what I learn along the way. I'm not claiming that I'm the most well-known expert on this, I'm just one of the folks who's trying to document the process as he lives it & have a bit of fun along the way. (Because if you can't laugh about being unemployed, the only other thing to do is cry...)


It's been a while since high school, my friend - who was Sisyphus again?
For those who don't have their faded copy of Edith Hamilton handy (or who spent their college years in practical & useful fields of study instead of English literature like this author), Sisyphus was the poor soul condemned by Zeus to forever roll a boulder up a hill only to watch it roll back down whenever he neared the top. Apparently, he divulged one of Zeus's secrets and supreme deities can hold rather supreme grudges. For anyone who's ever been oh-so-close to finally landing a job after months of searching only to have it yanked away for some ridiculous, undisclosed, or nonsensical reason, it feels pretty much the same.


How come you don't mention any of the firms you interview with?
Because I want to have a job again someday, that's why. Look, I promised myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't post anything specifically denouncing a particular company - no matter how badly I feel it mistreats me or people I know through its interview screening and processes - but also that I would always be as 100% honest as I could about whatever I experience. That means if /when some company mistreats me or someone I know, I'll write about it, but I'm not going to name names because the last thing you want is for someone at a prospective firm to Google your name someday & find a blog entry criticizing another company by name. (Career suicide, anyone?)


But don't blogs have to be provocative and controversial to generate readers and publicity?
Probably, but that's not my goal here. My aim is just to share job hunting tips & experiences that people can identify with, not to land myself in some kind of Internet infamy.


So you're just chicken, is that it?
Pretty much, yes. Thanks for noticing.


Anything else about you we should know?
Yes - I have a background in content management, marketing & communications, and two years of change management training. Spread the word.

Interview Etiquette 101

By now I've long since concluded - mistakenly, apparently - that everybody knows the do's and don'ts of job interviews. Things like, "dress conservatively" and "behave professionally" I took to be "givens" for both seeker and interviewer alike.

Apparently I couldn't have been more wrong.

Yesterday, my better half interviewed with an advertising firm in Georgetown. Her interviewer was in his late 30's and initially seemed rather distant and aloof but did not display anything that set off any alarm bells.

Until he crossed his legs, pulled up his pants leg past his knee and began to scratch himself during the interview.

Picture this: You're sitting across from someone you desperately want to impress so you can land a job, and suddenly the same interviewer you're trying to win over decides he wants to show you why he should be considered for the Rockettes. The guy scratched himself absent-mindedly for several seconds before pulling the trouser leg back to its original position and resuming the discussion. Understandably, Linda concluded she wouldn't be working there.

"Either he has someone else in mind and wanted to let me know in no uncertain terms he wasn't interested, or he's a creep that I have no interest in working for," she told me when she got home. (Yes, this falls into another chapter of the you-couldn't-make-this-up-if-you-tried Hall of Shame...) She mentioned the experience to her recruiter, who confirmed that she had also developed "an impression" of the fellow and appreciated Linda's feedback. (Whether the recruiter will continue to send candidates to this company remains to be seen; although given the current state of the economy, I suspect the relationship will probably continue in some form or another, although hopefully the recruiter will provide some critical feedback to the client or at the very least warn future candidates about his behavior.)

I recently saw a profile on the evening news where someone published a book compiled of nothing but rejection letters. I wonder what such a collection of bizarre interview stories would be like...

The M&M Test

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a rock music trivia nut. Blame it on never having learned to play an instrument. (Side note: I've been trying to teach myself guitar since I was laid off last year, but let's just say my success in that area has paralleled my job search achievements & I'm still "pre-employed" at the moment..) But it's not often that a love of musical anecdotes translates into practical job hunting advice.

Take, for instance, the story of Van Halen and the M&Ms.

For those not familiar with the story, it goes something like this: Back in the 1980s, Van Halen ruled the high school music scene. No band approached them for coolness - guys loved Eddie Van Halen's amazing guitar licks, and girls loved David Lee Roth's antics and skin-tight pants. But there was always a sinister rumor about the band; one that labeled them in hushed tones as prima donnas and arrogant jerks. What was this rumor?

They wouldn't allow brown M&M's backstage.

You read that right. This enormously popular rock band was rumored to have a clause in its contracts forbidding anyone from bringing brown M&Ms to their dressing rooms or anywhere behind the stage. It was considered the ultimate because-we-can rock star story. As with many urban legends, however, the story started with a grain of truth that got twisted as it passed along the rumor mill.

A full version of this story is available on Snopes.com , a great Web site if you ever want to debunk a rumor or check out a too-crazy-to-be-true story, but in a nutshell, here's the real story. It turns out that whenever rock bands tour - particularly the enormously successful ones that put on stadium-sized shows - they usually have different stages going up or coming down on any given night. In one city a stage is going up for the next night's show, in another it's coming down from the previous night's show, etc. For each one, you've got miles and miles of electric cables, wires, power couplings, pyrotechnics, lights, smoke machines, etc. All of this has to be assembled the same way each time according to a very specific set of instructions so no accidents happen, i.e., no one trips over a wire or cable, a pyrotechnic doesn't explode in the wrong place and injure someone, etc. This not only ensures safety, it also - probably more importantly to the band's legal representatives - guards against potential lawsuits in the event someone trips over something or anything goes wrong. Not surprisingly, the contracts for booking a show of this size are reportedly mammoth - hundreds of pages spelling out every possible detail, from the size of the venue, the weight requirements of the stage, power needs, etc.

So the band did a very smart thing. To make sure any promoters booking them for a show read the contract in detail, they inserted a clause in the middle of the contract spelling out, "There will be no brown M&Ms located back stage" and included some additional language highlighting the penalty of any violations - cancelation of the show, forfeiture of proceeds, etc. That way, before a show, the band could go to its dressing room and the M&M bowl would serve as a canary in the proverbial coal mine. If there were properly sorted M&Ms set aside as snacks (a task probably completed by the promoter's son or daughter in exchange for autographs from the band), the band and its team could do a cursory check of the stage before the concert. If there were no M&Ms - or worse, if there were unsorted ones - then the band knew immediately that the contract hadn't been read in its entirety, and they now would have to do a more thorough safety check. Any problems they found would have to be fixed and possibly entail overtime fees or show delays.

Now, what does all this have to do with job hunting? Fair question. I've wondered for years what would be a similar "spotlight indicator" that would tell me at a moment's glance what the level of organization was at a given firm where I was interviewing. Sure, everyone might seem nice and happy, and the office areas might seem clean and neat, but what would be the best microcosm of the entire organization?

And then I read an article about a woman who always made a point of checking the restroom whenever she visited a company. As she put it, "If a company can't keep its restrooms clean, I don't want to have anything to do with them." That's when it occurred to me, "This is the indicator I've been looking for."

Think about it -

• Does the room stink?
• Are the toilets clogged or out of order?
• Do the soap dispensers work?
• Are there paper towels in the bin?
• Is the sink area clean?
• Is the floor area likewise clean or littered with newspapers?

If this is what you as an employee will see every day - or equally if not more critical, a potential client or customer someday - what impression does that give you about the entire organization? If they can't keep the restroom clean and operating, what else can't they do well?

Granted, this may seem like an extreme example - plenty of good companies are probably located in lousy buildings with terrible maintenance that's beyond their ability to control - but for those of us interviewing and thinking of coming to work for an organization, every impression is critical. If a company can scrutinize you and your behavior, your credit record, past references and job contacts, and who only knows what else, then it's only fair that you as a prospective employee look for any sign as well that can tell you a bit more about the firm and how well it's run.

And any firm that can't make a positive impression with a most basic need as a restroom might be one you ought to think carefully about before joining.

A New Meaning of "Netiquette"

“Netiquette” is a digital term used to describe the proper ways of interacting with people in cyberspace. After some recent experiences, I’m thinking the term needs to be expanded to how people conduct themselves at networking events as well.

Rule #1: Please remember that networking is a two-way street. Sure, you want to find that next client or new hire for your firm, but check your me-first attitude at the door. The purpose for networking events is for people to share tips, leads, and connections, not to help you grow your business or find that next job. If all you do is show up to tell people about your company or what type of job you’re looking for, don’t be surprised when no one lifts a finger to help you in return.

Rule #2: Remember Socrates. “Know thyself” was his mantra. Before you go into the room, know at least three or four things about yourself that you want to tell someone when you meet them. These can be as simple as what job you’re looking for, what your background happens to be, or even some personal interests you’re hoping to find someone who shares. Have it ready and be prepared to summarize it in 30 seconds or less. (That’s right, 30 seconds. That’s all you’re likely to get before someone starts to tune you out. Be focused, be sincere, but above all, be brief.)

Rule #3: Learn to be conversational. When someone asks what you do, have something brief and catchy to tell them. Rolling your eyes and talking in a monotone voice about what you do in some hopelessly generic terms (“We do business development assistance” or “I work in marketing” or my personal favorite, “We do federal IT work” doesn’t really tell anybody squat.) doesn’t really pique someone’s interest; and it doesn’t make them inclined to help you. And while some people may be curious and press you after a hopelessly generic introduction, most won’t care if you don’t capture their attention early.

Rule #4: Don’t be too hastily judgmental. Some of the most successful car dealers love to tell stories about the kid who comes into the BMW or Mercedes dealership and who obviously can’t afford anything on the lot; but if he’s treated well enough, he may walk in the following day with his dad and – more important – dad’s checkbook. The guy who shows up in dirty overalls looking to buy a top-of-the-line pickup truck might own the largest gardening center on the other side of town – treat him right and he may be your customer for life. So before you dismissively look away from that twenty-something you’re talking to who just graduated from college and landed an entry-level job with Booz Allen, make sure she’s not dating someone who’s looking for a job and who has the exact credentials you desperately need for your next hire. Rudeness carries risks; taking a few moments to get to know someone doesn’t.

Rule #5: For God’s sake, be sociable. If you have a headache or don’t feel well and can’t bring yourself to be conversational with people, stay home. No one wants to stand next to the chronic complainer who does nothing but whine about this and that at a networking event. If you can’t suck it up and be pleasant, do yourself and everyone else a favor: Don’t go.

Rule #6: Learn the basic handshake. Nothing says, “I’m not interested” like a Mortician’s Guild Handshake. And don’t feel the need to squeeze fingers or impress anybody with Superman’s grip. Just shake hands with a politely firm squeeze and make sure to look the person you’re talking to in the eye. Scanning the room behind them while shaking hands is guaranteed to get you off on a bad foot right away. (Think this sounds too obvious? Go to a few more networking events and wait…)

Rule #7: Try to make some mental notes. If someone says they work in a particular line of work that rings a bell, point them out to someone else who said something similar. If you can connect two people with shared interests or backgrounds, you’ve made two solid contacts yourself, both of whom may know people who can help you at some point. A good trick is to ask someone for “three things about you that would make me think about you if I talk to someone else here tonight.” Another is to make it a personal goal to try and connect at least six people yourself before leaving.

Rule #8: Set a goal for handing out business cards. Sure, you may think you’re the most introverted person in the room, but who cares? You don’t think there isn’t someone else there who feels almost as shy and out of place as you do? Tell yourself you’re not leaving until you’ve handed out at least half a dozen business cards to different people. Then stick to it.

Rule #9: Follow up. Leaving someone’s business card in your suit that you drop off at the dry cleaner the next morning means you can’t drop that person a quick follow-up line. Make dropping a quick four- or five-sentence e-mail follow up a habit after every event. And while some professionals discourage writing on someone’s business card in front of them, make a point of taking some notes somehow so you know what you spoke about with that person the night before. Nothing is as frustrating as collecting several cards and not remembering a thing about anyone you spoke with.

Rule #10: Don’t stop. Even after you land a position or make that connection that leads to hiring someone or landing a contract, keep networking. You never want to have to relearn these techniques after several years of what you thought was stable employment – keeping these skills up to date can go a long way toward helping you in the future. (And they may even help prevent you from extended unemployment after a downsizing as well.)

When You Ace the Interview and Still Aren't Hired

This falls right into the if-it-hadn’t-happened-to-me-I-wouldn’t-have-believed-it Hall of Shame.

Imagine this: You go to a networking meeting and make a connection who agrees to forward your resume to a friend at a large consulting firm. You go home, look at the Web site, polish your resume with all the appropriate “buzz words” and fire it off to him. He e-mails you back and suggests a few additional tweaks. You make them, and he submits it for a position. Before you know it, the recruiters are calling and you’re slowly making your way up the interview chain. Finally, after nearly two months, you’re invited out to another city for a face-to-face interview with the senior team. You diligently prepare for the interview, rehearsing the likely questions and proper answers, and when the time comes, you nail the interview. In fact, you so impress the interviewers that as one of them is walking you back to the conference room, she’s telling you what to do when the offer comes. Does it get any more promising than this?

But it doesn’t end there – two weeks later, you get an e-mail with the subject line, “Employment Offers.” You eagerly click the message and read about how the company has had some difficulty preparing all the offers because of the summer hours. You’re told to expect your offer no later than the following Tuesday.

You don’t hear anything until Wednesday.

And what do you hear on Wednesday? After all these months of positive interviews, encouraging signals, and what appear to be pledges of impending offers? You get something like this at 5:01 p.m.:

“Hi, this is SUZY Q. We wanted to get back to you and let you know that your interviewers were very impressed with your skills and qualifications. However, I’m afraid that while they recommended you for hiring, our business plan dynamic has changed, and consequently we won’t be moving forward with an offer for your position at this time. We thank you for your interest, however, and encourage you to consult our Web site for further opportunities…”

Now, HOW are you supposed to respond to this? On the one hand, you want to be professional and not close the door – particularly if you’ve been out of work for 18 months and obviously demonstrated the fact that you were qualified by passing several interviews culminating in a face-to-face with senior staffers who recommended that the company hire you – but on the other, you can’t help but wonder if you really want to go through this entire process all over again with this particular outfit. “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me…” runs repeatedly through your head.

But let’s take a deeper look at the company’s side. Assume each person who interviewed you got paid roughly $100 an hour once salary and benefits are put into the mix. This means if you go through three phone screenings before some face-to-face interviews with only two people, a back-of-the-envelope breakdown of the costs look something like this:

$100 First phone screen interview with initial recruiter
$100 Second phone interview with a manager
$100 Third phone interview with another manager
$100 Face-to-face interview with senior manager #1
$100 Face-to-face interview with senior manager #2
$800 Round trip flight costs for face-to-face interviews + overnight hotel stay
$100 Miscellaneous meal and travel charges for your interview (taxi, meals, etc.)
$100 Staff time to process your submitted expense report
$300 Three hours to prepare your offer (salary, benefits, etc.)

$1,800 Total

So, in other words, a company can spend close to $2,000 to interview and screen you as a candidate for a position that it feels you are qualified for but which it ultimately – for reasons unknown – decides not to fill. Assuming this happens not just to you but to several other candidates each year, and you have to wonder how much capital is being wasted screening people for positions that ultimately don’t exist.

Which naturally brings up the question that’s guaranteed to make any CFO pound his or her head on the desk in frustration: What other, more profitable uses could that capital have been used for? Think about it for a moment:

• How many candidates reject offers for salary reasons – in other words, a competitor makes them a better offer – but who would have been willing to work for you if only you had been able to make a slightly higher offer?
• How much staff time could have been put to more productive uses instead of having screeners interview candidates for positions that ultimately aren’t going to be filled?
• What damage is done to the company’s image when people who experience this treatment advise their friends against applying to the firm? ("Let me tell you what happened to me when I applied there...")
• What happens to internal morale when people who recommend others as candidates learn that even though you were recommended, the company chose not to hire you. Will they recommend anyone else for a position, or will they show more hesitancy based on this experience?
• What are the talent implications of these decisions as a whole on the competitive standing of the firm?
  

Now, granted, since this happened to me, I'm obvoiusly a bit biased in my outlook, but perhaps the worst part of this experience was the fact that it was not unique. I went to a roundtable meeting for job seekers this week and relayed the story in its entirety to the group. Know what? Nearly everyone in the room admitted having had a similar if not identical experience. It's enough to make any sane person wonder why they willingly submit to such an insane process; except perhaps that unemployment is simply an unacceptable alternative.

I haven’t given up my job search; but as I experience more and more incidents like these, I can’t help but have a growing sympathy for those who do.

"The Purple Squirrel"

I attended a networking meeting over the weekend at the Beltway Job Search Partners in McLean, Virginia. One of the attendees – I won’t name her because I want to respect her privacy but will be happy to post it if she reads this and grants permission – asked how my search was going. After I told her about my recent interviews that ultimately culminated in getting a “recommendation for hire” that was somehow still turned down ("Our business plan has changed, so we won't be moving forward with this position...we've decided we need a different set of skills..."), she looked at me and said, “Sounds like they wanted the Purple Squirrel.”

“The what?” I asked, unsure of her meaning.

“The Purple Squirrel,” she said, smiling. “They want that special animal that has the right colors, one green eye, one blue eye, and knows how to scale all the tall trees but which doesn’t exist. All companies want that.”

I laughed along with her at the time, but as I sat down for the morning’s discussion, I thought about what she had said. And I quickly concluded that she was absolutely right.

Assume someone leaves a particular position at a firm. She retires, takes another job, or quits for any number of conflicting reasons. What does the company do? It takes her position description – which probably hasn’t been updated since she took the job to begin with – and then adds any number of other responsibilities that other managers are looking to offload and don’t want any more, and then it posts the description (probably with the old salary range) and waits to see what comes in. I compare this to fishing in fresh waters with spoiled bait – you’re just waiting to see what comes along and bites, but then you’re surprised that you keep having to throw back whatever you catch.

We’ve all seen these sorts of descriptions – see which ones you recognize:

• “Wanted: Individual achiever who knows how to be a team player!”
• “Taskmaster with strong interpersonal skills.”
• “Professional with 10-15 years experience…bachelor’s degree (master’s preferred)…Salary: low to mid thirties.”
• “Preferably with 10-15 years of search-engine optimization experience…”
• “Experienced client-relations manager with dynamic project management and accounting skills…”

And my personal favorite –

• “Comfortable with ambiguity”

We’ve all heard about how difficult it is for companies to find good, reliable talent, but if so many people are out of work and pounding repeatedly on doors, it would seem that a lot more could be accomplished if companies would simply be willing to hire capable people who are willing to learn new skills instead of spending countless months searching for the personnel equivalent of a Swiss Army knife – or a mythical worker who exists only in the mindset of overly demanding managers.

The COFFEE Approach to Networking

I recently started attending outplacement seminars with Lee Hecht Harrison, a career management firm that assists people who have been laid off from their jobs. After listening to several sessions, I found that most experienced professionals have no real clue about how to network. They’ve been at their previous jobs for too long or forgot that the job search is about meeting people vs. sending out resumes.

So I put together a mnemonic (Scrabble-fiends, please note the spelling) device to help those still trying to come out of their proverbial shell:

COFFEE.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Better still, it is. Everyone networks using it because it’s quick, it’s cheap, and it carries far less in the way of awkward connotations if you ask someone of the opposite sex to meet you for it as opposed to getting drinks together on a given evening (although if you’re in another market besides the job search, hey, more power to you…).

But back to the approach – it turns out COFFEE makes an excellent acronym for how people network. To wit:

Coworkers
Organizations
Friends
Family
Everyone
Else

Coworkers – These would be current ones (if you’re still employed) or former ones (if not), vendors, contractors, business associates, or anyone you’ve ever had a professional connection with. These are probably your first line of outreach.

Organizations – Ever been fed up with your HOA? Found yourself at a PTA meeting and wondered what everyone else in the room did for a living? Now’s your chance to get to know. And don’t stop there – think about your book clubs, church groups, civics groups, alumni organizations…

Friends – Sure, most people are uncomfortable admitting they’ve been laid off – but spend several months that way and you’ll probably be surprised about how quickly you lose any sense of shame. Think of the parents you meet at your kids’ swimming pool or the people at the neighborhood mixer – some of them may know someone who is hiring.

Family – Yes, everyone has a “Crazy Uncle Fred” or “Aunt Alice the Spinster,” but don’t be afraid to tap extended family members as well – cousins, nephews, nieces, in-laws. Just reaching out to these people alone broadens your network of connections almost immeasurably.

Everyone Else – The most important group. Ever been to your dentist’s office and seen the countless folders behind the receptionist’s desk? In every one is a name of someone who may know someone. Do the math if you want a headache. Gotten to know your Starbucks barista who pours your coffee at the same time each week a little better? All of these people are connectors, meaning they have the potential through the very nature of their jobs to help you, but only if you’re willing to make the investment of getting to know them as well.

So, there you have it – the first “tip” of this job seeker’s blog – don’t be afraid to rely on COFFEE for your networking help. Hmm? What’s that? You think this sounds obvious? Really? Well, as it turns out, in the next post we’ll talk about “networking etiquette” – because if you go to any networking event, you’ll be surprised how few people you meet actually have any.

Einstein Was Right

Albert Einstein is credited with having said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

He couldn’t have described the job search better.

Think about it: In what other instance would you repeatedly put yourself through a stressful, debilitating, and – let’s face it – humiliating process with so little potential for any significant return unless you absolutely had no alternative? If you think about it, here’s what you’re expected to do:

1. Show up dressed to the nines so someone you’ve never met can evaluate how your appearance and personality fits with their own

2. Research a company you know nothing about so you can at least appear interested to the interviewer who, in all likelihood, took the job for the same reason you’re interviewing for one: He needed a job as well.

3. Apply endlessly to position after position on the Internet, knowing full well that most of them will be filled by internal candidates (assuming that the positions are actually being filled at all and the company isn’t just leaving them up on the Web site in order to “ensure a steady pipeline of applicants for whenever it’s green-lit once again.”)

4. Answer a litany of such insanely personal questions as

o “What’s your biggest weakness?”
o “Tell me about a time you failed at something.”
o “Why were you laid off from your last job?”

Let’s face it, nobody who’s been in the job market has any illusions about the process. The person on the other side of the desk isn’t telling you the full story about the bad things that are waiting for you in the job because she knows you wouldn’t take it if she did. The guy sitting in front of her isn’t going to be completely honest about his shortcomings or he knows she won’t offer him the job. Nobody expects anything but the worst of the situation – and yet we all play the game day in and day out.

So this blog is an attempt – just an attempt – to find and spotlight the humor in the job search process. Because as Jimmy Buffett (admittedly no role model for stable employment himself) once said, if we can’t all laugh, well, then we just go insane…

The Process Begins - Again

For me, this process started more than a year ago when I joined the estimated 18 million Americans out of work. My story was no different from anyone else’s – I showed up at work, was told to report to HR as part of a “reorganization,” and within twenty-five minutes I was out on the street with my desk in my hands wondering what exactly had just happened.

Over the next 14 months, I reached out, e-mailed, called, begged, and networked my way to no particular destination. I joined job search groups, revamped countless resumes, answered myriad advertisements, rehearsed multiple elevators speeches, and after several near misses and close calls, I finally managed to achieve…

…nothing.

Well, technically that’s not true. I gained a lot of friends, learned a great deal, and found out more about myself than I ever knew before, but to imply that all of these achievements and learning experiences in and of themselves should be some sort of reward means trying to ignore the pile of bills that come in each month with only a slowly dwindling savings account to cover them. Life doesn’t follow the predictable pattern of television sitcoms where everything is happily resolved at the end of a half hour with some lesson to be learned by everyone – no, it’s actually a much longer, frustrating, and tedious process. And it’s one that continues as I type these words.

So, why am I starting this blog? I mean, there are countless other Web postings about the job search process out there, so why add yet another voice to the cacophonous process that marks the modern job seekers’ dilemma? I can’t promise my experience will be any more “unique” than anyone else’s; but then, a shared experience hopefully offers some value if for nothing other than entertainment for the equally misfortunate. And if we can share a few stories and tips along the way, who knows what might happen?

Stay tuned – it should be an interesting ride!