***
A management consultant with a passion for hot-air ballooning finds himself blown off course and drifting helplessly over the countryside. Spotting a bird watcher below, he calls down, "Excuse me, can you please tell me where I am?"
The bird watcher adjusts his binoculars, looks up at the man, and says, "Well, it looks to me like you're in a hot air balloon, fifty feet up, and drifting west."
The management consultant frowns. "You must be an engineer," he tells the man.
"As a matter of fact, I am," the man replies. "How did you know?"
"Because you gave me a lot of information that's technically correct but which really doesn't help me any."
The birdwatcher/engineer smiled. "You must be a manager," he tells the balloonist.
"Yes, I am," says the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the bird watcher. "You need my help, I've told you everything I know, I'm doing my best to help you, and you're still not satisfied; but now it's somehow MY FAULT."
***
A lazy sparrow put off flying south for the winter until it was nearly too late. Finally taking to the air, he quickly flew into an ice storm. Gradually, the ice began to coat his wings, and the sparrow found he was too heavy to continue flying and fell to earth. To make matters worse, shortly after he landed a cow passed by and decided to poop all over the sparrow as he lay in the field.
"Great," said the sparrow. "This is just perfect."
However, the warm manure quickly began to melt the ice on the sparrow's wings. In a short time, he found he could flap them again, and he felt so good that he began to sing. Unfortunately, the singing attracted a nearby cat, who followed the sound, cleared away the poo, and quickly ate the little sparrow.
Morals:
1. Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of a stinky situation is your friend.
3. And if you're warm and happy in a dung heap, think twice before opening your mouth.
***
A mafioso hired a deaf mute as his bookkeeper, thinking his money would be safe since the man never talked. He was happy with the man's service until he double-checked the books one day and found he was $2 million short. Furious, he had his goons bring the bookkeeper in for questioning along with his brother to translate.
"You tell dis guy I wanna know where my two million bucks is at," the mafioso growled.
The brother turned to the bookkeeper and quickly translated the gangster's demand. The bookkeeper looked astonished, and he quickly signed back, "I have no idea." The brother turned to the mafioso. "He said he doesn't know," the brother replied.
The gangster pulled a pistol from his coat pocket and put it against the bookkeeper's temple. "You tell dis guy I wanna know where my two million bucks is at," he said. "And if he don't tell me, I'm gonna blow his brains out right here after I have da boys work him over, see? Now tell him."
The brother signed the threat to the bookkeeper, who quickly and frantically replied in sign language, "I'm sorry! It's in my closet at home in two suitcases! A thousand pardons - I promise, it will never happen again!"
The brother looked at the bookkeeper and signed back, "Just to make sure, you say it's in the closet, right? In the suitcases?"
The bookkeeper signed back, "Yes! It's all there! Just tell him!"
"What'd he say?" the mafioso asked, thumbing back the hammer on his pistol.
The brother looked back at him, "He says you're not man enough to pull the trigger!"
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