Friday Funnies - Resume Bloopers

Several years ago, I was having lunch with an intern and making the same hopeless attempt to educate someone who was 20 years old about the ways of the real world.  (To be fair, I am sure I was no different when I was his age, but that's beside the point here...) 

"Always proofread your resume," I told him.  "I can't emphasize that enough.  If you have even a single typo, it'll be the kiss of death - if you're lucky."

He paused.  "Just one typo?"

"Yes," I told him.  "And that's if you're lucky."

"What do you mean, 'if I'm lucky'?" he asked.

"Well," I told him.  "If it's just one typo and you're lucky, they'll just throw your resume in the wastebasket."

"What if it's more than one?" he asked.

I smiled.  "In that case, they'll put a post-it note on your resume and route it through the office so people can laugh at you." 

His face froze.  "Welcome to the real world," I told him.  "By the way, how's your sandwich?"

***

In keeping with this theme, here are some (supposed) actual bloopers from resumes.  Read at your own risk.

"Salary requirements: The higher the better!"

Explanation for any gaps in employment:  "I was unemployed."  (Well, hey, it's honest...)

Computer skills:  "I use a laptop."

"Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations."  (Didn't we just talk about the importance of proofreading?)

"Received plague for performance."  (Well, I guess it bears repeating...)

"Position desired: Profreader."  (Double whammy.)


Got any zingers of your own?  Feel free to share - because, as always, the best ones are the ones we can't make up...