Friday, August 5, 2011

Friday Funnies


With all the recent haranguing in Washington over the debt ceiling - and with the expected release of new job figures later today - perhaps it's best to remember the funnier side of politics...

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"He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything.  That points clearly to a political career."
- George Bernard Shaw

"[The difference between American politicians and English politicians is] American politicians will do anything for money; English politicians will take the money and won't do anything."
- Stephen Leacock

John F. Kennedy reportedly toured a Virginia coal mine and was asked by a miner, "Is it true, sir, you've never worked an honest day of hard labor in your life?"  Kennedy admitted he had not.  "Believe me, sir," the miner replied, shaking his hand.  "You haven't missed a thing."



And just to show nothing beats bureaucracy when it comes to crazy humor...



"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Friday Funnies - Revisited

With unemployment still stuck in the double-digits and layoffs increasing, we all can probably use a laugh or two now more than ever. (Remember, we make no promises for the quality of these jokes, only that they should bring a smile or two if for no other reason than because, well, bad humor is still humor, folks...)

Enjoy - and keep those interview stories coming!

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"What's the best way to make $10 million running a winery?  That's easy.  First, start with $100 million."
- Anonymous

***

A lawyer dies and - for some reason - goes to heaven.  "There has to be a mistake," he tells St. Peter.  "I'm only fifty-five."  St. Peter checks his book and smiles.  "Not according to the timesheets you submitted..."

***

Two friends who love baseball make a promise to one another that the first one to pass on will somehow find a way to let the other know whether there is baseball in heaven.  Sure enough, after many years together, one of them passes away quietly.  A week later, his friend gets a very unusual long-distance call.  "Fred?" the voice says.  "It's Sam.  Listen, I'm up here in heaven, and I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" his friend asks.

"Turns out there IS baseball in heaven," his friend replies.  "In fact, I'm playing second base right now."

"Great," his buddy says.  "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the roster says you're going to be our starting pitcher next Wednesday..."

***

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Return of the Zombie Descriptions

I've admittedly written far too many posts that include zombie similes - job descriptions that come back from the dead, opportunities that were never really "living" to begin with, etc.  And like many Gen-Xers, I probably watched far too many horror movies as a teen-ager.  (One of my favorite shows from last year was AMC's "The Walking Dead."  Women still love fairy tales and royal weddings, guys still love their gory movies and laughable monsters. What can I say, some things you just never really outgrow...) 

What brings this to mind was yet another "zombie job description" that caught my eye last week. I've spoken with a number of people about the less-than-honest practice many companies have of advertising positions that do not exist or that they have no intention of filling.  From the employers' perspective, this shady tactic always ensures a steady supply of current resumes from which the company can quickly select a few in the event a contract is won or if there is a sudden need for filling a position due to someone quitting or being transferred.  "Oh," they will say.  "We are always on the lookout for great talent!"

The problem with this practice is that it is really nothing more than false advertising and would be considered criminal if it were done by retail outlets trying to promote models that they no longer carry.  If you spot an advertisement for a new television and get to the store only to be told, "Oh, we're all out of that model - but for a few dollars more, you can have THIS one over here..." you can write to the Better Business Bureau and complain.  (Whether anything happens may well be another story, but at least you have some means to pursue your grievance.)  With employers, however, such advertising is not only common but all too standard a practice. 

Here is the latest zombie description I recently saw on Linked In that looked remarkably similar to a position I applied for last year.  The company's name has been redacted, but I'm posting a few lines from the description:

Job Title: Manager, Learning and Development - Learning Consultant
Job Summary:
This consulting role is responsible for working with the manager community and HR professionals to identify and understand learning and development needs and delivering programs to meet those needs (through vendors or internal design).  The consultant will execute against an annual Development Plan and is expected to work with the manager community (i.e., Manager through VP) to integrate them into the learning process.

Responsibilities:
1.    Identify capability gaps and develop plan to close gaps for the designated region
  • Consult with manager community to determine short and long-term needs with respect to talent and capabilities
  • Help delivery teams take full advantage of L&D to improve their performance
  • Work closely with local People Strategists and Staffing team members to determine development needs.
  • Produce an annual regional Development Plan
  • Translate the capability needs into learning solutions (with either the L&D Design Team in India or local vendors)
  • Work with the L&D Design Team in India to translate the capability needs into learning solutions
Now, check out this position advertised on Linked In just a week ago:

Type: Full-time
Experience: Mid-Senior level
Functions: Human Resources, Training, Education 
Industries: Information Technology and Services 
Job ID: 1723108
Manager - Learning & Development
[Company Name Redacted] (Washington D.C. Metro Area)
Job Description
Location(s) : United States-Virginia-Arlington

Schedule : Full-time

Job Summary:
This consulting role is responsible for working with the manager community and HR professionals to identify and understand learning and development needs and delivering programs to meet those needs (through vendors or internal design).  The consultant will execute against an annual Development Plan and is expected to work with the manager community (i.e., Manager through VP) to integrate them into the learning process.

Responsibilities:
1. Identify capability gaps and develop plan to close gaps for the designated region
  • Consult with manager community to determine short and long-term needs with respect to talent and capabilities
  • Help delivery teams take full advantage of L&D to improve their performance
  • Work closely with local People Strategists and Staffing team members to determine   development needs.
  • Produce an annual regional Development Plan
  • Translate the capability needs into learning solutions (with either the L&D Design Team in India or local vendors)
  • Work with the L&D Design Team in India to translate the capability needs into learning solutions
Not only was this the same company, it was obviously the exact same position description.  Verbatim.  And just to add some additional background:  This was the same firm that flew me up to Boston for a final interview and then never bothered to follow up with me about the job.  It is frustrating enough for any job seeker to be turned down, but to never even be told so much as, "Sorry, kid..." paints a particularly unprofessional picture. 

Granted, a cynic might say that the firm may well have hired someone else, forgotten to notify me as a candidate (a finalist???), and then had things not work out with that person, but it would seem to me that when such instances occur, the companies usually revise the description.  Maybe someone else has left & her responsibilities need to be taken over by someone else.  Maybe the last person couldn't do XYZ that wasn't on the description but which turned out to be an increasingly critical part of the job.  The point is that rarely if ever do companies simply post the same exact description for an actual opportunity. Unless, of course, they're just recycling dead copy for another zombie position that does not exist. 

And the sad thing is, as I write these words, many desperate job seekers are no doubt jumping at what they honestly think is a real opportunity that, in reality, is no more real than zombies themselves...

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

And the Updates Continue!

Sometimes the most difficult challenge of managing a blog about the job search process isn't coming up with material, it's sorting through all that's out there & trying to decide, "Okay, but is any of this really helpful?"  (Oh, sure, it can be funny, but trying to find something that's both amusing and helpful is, well, a Quixote-esque quest, if I can show my undergraduate English major roots here...)

That said, I thought this link was helpful and amusing, if for no other reason than for the photo selections the editors chose.  (Relax, it's safe for work and review - because if it weren't, well, it wouldn't be getting posted here!)

http://www.businessinsider.com/headhunters-reveal-11-ways-to-ruin-your-chances-of-getting-a-job-2011-6#holding-back-information-can-make-you-look-sneaky-1

Monday, May 30, 2011

How NOT to Write a Cover Letter

Most networking and job hunting seminars now advise people not to waste their time writing cover letters since - more often than not - they're simply not read.  Your resume goes into a database, and when the company wants to fill a position, they scan the database for relevant keywords and call the people whose resumes score within a certain range.  Consequently, spending hours crafting the perfectly worded cover letter seldom pays the benefits you would expect after investing hours of careful effort.

That being said, this guy seems to have the right approach - unless, of course, he wants to be taken seriously...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/23/epic-cover-letter_n_865569.html

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Jokes Keep Coming

One of the blessings of keeping a blog on a subject as universal as the job search is that people never stop sending tips, stories, or even the occasional cartoon (below).  In this case, while it's obvious this friend had the Mets on his mind, any Nats fan can undoubtedly share in the sentiment that also parallels this blog's thematic imagery.  (Could I sound any more like the proverbial English major with that sentence?  On second thought, don't answer that...)

Keep the faith!


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Friday Funnies - Belated

Been a while since I updated these for Friday, but a friend forwarded this & it was too good not to post. 

(Reminder:  I have no copyright to this image, but since this is not a profiting blog, hey, take it as a chance to chuckle, okay?)