Friday Funnies & Puns

As always, Friday brings a moment to step back from the job search, refocus one's efforts, and hopefully find a bit of laughter throughout the insanity.  Normally, I include jokes & puns from various personal resources, but this week's selection comes courtesy of a fellow job seeker who was kind enough to share a few thoughts and jokes.  Since it's obvious she and I share the same sense of humor, I can only say I hope she seeks help soon...

Enjoy!

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A guy is driving around Arkansas and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" the man asks.

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for an airport job to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He then asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the man says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."

***
 

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when a voice said, "Pick me up."  He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. "

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said ' kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!!!' "

The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh....., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”

***
 
And finally, just to round out this list for today:
 
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
 Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.


Practice safe eating; always use condiments.


Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.