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A police officer noticed a car swerving back and forth and pulled it over. Walking up to the car, he was surprised to find his minister behind the wheel. "Father," he asked. "Have you been drinking?" The priest glared at him. "Of course not!" he replied. "I've just been on my way to the church with this flask of holy water!" The police officer looked at the flask and saw it was filled with wine. "Father," he said gently. "That's not water, it's wine." The priest looked at the flask and then at the officer. "My goodness!" he replied. "He did it AGAIN!"
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A minister was driving down the road when the town drunk stumbled out into the road ahead of him. Swerving wildly, the minister drove off the road and into a ditch. Opening his door, he stepped out to survey the damage to his car. "Are you - hic! - okay, father?" the town drunk asked. "I'm fine," snapped the priest. "For the Lord rides with me." The drunk thought for a moment. "Maybe He should drive instead of you!"
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A man raced into a bar and yelled to the bartender, "Quick! Give me six shots of scotch and make it quick!" The bartender obliged him, and asked what was so urgent. "You'd be quick too if you had what I had," said the man as he began gulping down the shots. "What's that?" the bartender asked. "Two bucks!" said the man. "See ya!"
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A common tale attributed to Winston Churchill has him supposedly hitting on a middle-aged woman who turns him down. "Madam," Churchill intoned. "If I were a multi-millionaire, would you accept my proposition?" The woman glared at Churchill. "My dear Winston," she replied. "You aren't a millionaire! And besides, just what kind of woman do you think I am?" Churchill - again, according to the story - looked back at her and said, "Madam, I believe we've already established that. Now, we're just haggling about the price..."
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