Top Interviewer Fibs & Translations

It may be related to the holidays, but there appears to be a theme in the latest messages this week regarding honesty by corporate interviewers.

Or rather, the lack of it.

So, in an effort to find a way to laugh at the situation - the only other alternative would be to cry, one supposes - we present this unofficial translation of what the interviewer says and what s/he actually means.  Enjoy!

***


"We're always in the market for good talent."
We're in a hiring freeze but happy to talk with you if it means we can skip a few of our other meetings. 


"We have a strong commitment to diversity."
We have some statements on every room in the building that one of our executive committees drafted a few years ago.  Nobody remembers who they were... 

"We want to fill this position right away."
You can expect to hear back from us in a few weeks - y'know, if we bother to get back to you at all. 

"We'd like you to come in and give us a sample presentation of how you would pitch our services."
We want to mine you for free input and ideas we can give to whomever we hire. 

"We'd like to see a sample marketing plan of how you would organize things."
Ditto. 

"I run a tight ship around here."
I micromanage. 

"We're pretty hands-on in terms of how we do things."
Ditto. 

"I know this salary is a bit below what you're expecting, but we can revisit this in six months."
We're not going to revisit anything.  This is what you'll get; take it or leave it. Oh, by the way, how long have you been out of work?

"We're not looking at any internal candidates because none of them had the skills we felt were essential for this position as we've reconfigured it."
No internal candidates want to work with me. 

"The salary is still being determined."
We want whoever is willing to work the cheapest. 

"There has been some turnover in this position."
There's a body count. 

"Our senior manager is pretty demanding."
We work for a tyrant. 

"I would describe our management style as one of consensus-building."
Nobody here can make a decision.

"We're a very risk-averse organization."
We like to do things the way we've always done them.  If you try anything new, you won't be seen as a team player and will be marginalized.


Got your own experiences?  Feel free to share...

Liar, Liar...

If there is one mantra that has been repeatedly drilled into my own head throughout my job search, it's this:  "Never lie."  Sure, it sounds like what Mom and Dad always told us as children, but the fact is candidates who attempt to cover something up or who try to "shade" something more often than not get found out - and also don't get hired.

If only companies played by the same rules.

Leaving aside the dishonesty of advertising for positions that don't exist - a common pet peeve here at Modern Sisyphus - it turns out that there are a number of common lies interviewers tell candidates.  How do I know this?  Well, for starters, I've heard many of them; and I suspect you have as well.  Check out Bloomberg's listing of "21 Lies You'll Hear on a Job Interview" and see how many sound familiar.  (Note the interesting image selection for some of these...)

How to Have a PR Disaster

One of the reasons I started this blog was to give a voice to the job seeker who routinely encounters corporate insanity & unprofessional behavior during the hunt.  Countless articles have been published about all the things job candidates do wrong, but very few (if any) address the kinds of blunders that only a bureaucratic mentality could deliver. 

Case in point?  Imagine being this company's PR manager and having to pick up the pieces after downsizing 900 employees by way of conference call.  (You read that right - not in person, but via electronic means.)  If you saw George Clooney's movie, "Up in the Air," then perhaps what they say about life imitating art is in fact true. 

Anyway, here's the link:

http://www.ragan.com/Main/Articles/42597.aspx

Oops...

Remember the fable about the architect who meticulously designed a massive library only to watch it sink further into the ground every year because he forgot to account for the weight of the books?  Or the engineers who (reportedly) tested aircraft windshields via a cannon that could fire bird carcasses at varying speeds only to realize after a number of failed tests that they first needed to thaw the birds?  Well, much like that, interviewers and candidates make many of the same boneheaded mistakes because - well, because we're all just human, really.  Read on...

***

I was looking forward to a prominent interview with a renown historical college, so I printed out the map using Googlemaps and checked it against Mapquest.  Both covered streets I was familiar with, and both told me I would need approximately 35 minutes for the drive.  No sweat, I thought, I'll give myself an hour so I have extra time.  Turns I was still almost late for the interview.  Why?  I had forgotten to allow time to find parking...

***

My wife and I got a GPS system for our cars, and I thought they were God's gift to navigation.  In fact, I stopped doing dry runs for interviews since I knew I could count on the GPS to get me where I needed to go.  Well, that worked fine until I was late for an interview after trying to go the route my GPS was telling me to go but finding that the entire area was under construction and I needed to find a detour...

Try explaining that to your interviewer!

***

I once interviewed for a position with a prominent banking firm.  Since it was a bank, I figured I had better dress for the part.  So I wore my best outfit - suit, tie, cuff links, you name it.

I forgot it was going to be "casual Friday," so I got to spend the day being interviewed by people in their blue jeans...

***

And last but certainly by no means least, we have this example of how art imitates life - suffice it to say we all need to be reminded from time to time on the importance of "grace" under pressure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENgJZlmgI6U

Friday Funnies

Whoever once said that December is a slow month for job seekers obviously underestimated the potential for holiday madness.  (This writer probably qualifies strongly in this regard.)  Companies may put off hiring decisions until after the New Year, but that's not to say they let the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Year go to waste on the interview front.  Maybe it's a desire to help during what is supposed to be a festive time of year, or maybe it's a general preference to do anything other than regular work; but whatever the reason, the interviews continue for many - and in some instances, even pick up.

And with so much running around, it's helpful to take a few moments to smile.  To that end, we submit the attached list of puns forwarded to me by a retired friend currently enjoying his life as a ski bum in Utah.  (Not jealous...not jealous...not - oh, who am I kidding here?)

Enjoy!


*****


1.  My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory...
But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack...
But just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it...
Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory...
But that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life...
But just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it...
Couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician...
But eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor...
But I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory...
I tried hard but just didn't fit in... 

10. I became a Professional Fisherman...
But I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. 

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company... 
But the work was just too draining. 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center...
But they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian...
Until I realized there was no future in it...

14. My last job was working in Starbucks...
But I had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I tried retirement 
AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!       

The Power of the Perilous Pipeline...

Anyone who's been in the job market knows the horrors of The Pipeline - that evil, siren-like lure that captures job seekers' attention and entices them with possible employment and follow-up interviews only to turn on them at the last moment with a smile of betrayal that says, "Just kidding!"

Believe it or not, it's more common than you think - in fact, according to many candidates, it's not just a majority of postings that they see that turn out to be pipeline interviews, it's interviews as well.  Once upon a time, major companies and consulting organizations were the chief culprits who utilized this less-than-honest practice.  "Hey, we're always on the lookout for good talent," they would say.  "So send us your resume, and if we have a fit, we'll see what we can do."

Translation:  We may or may not have a fit, but we don't want to be that honest with you because then you might not apply with us; so send us your resume and make sure you are as honest as possible with us (even though we're not playing by those rules ourselves) and maybe - just maybe - we'll grant you an interview.

So what happens?  A desperate job seeker gets a phone call for a possible interview and quickly shifts into overdrive, reviewing the Web site, reading up on the company's history, mapping out answers to likely questions, and walking through repeated dry runs until s/he is ready for that first interview...then the second...the third...and maybe even more.  And after a few more face-to-face discussions?

Sorry, kid. 

Now it's true that once upon a time this practice was used by larger corporations as a way of always ensuring a steady pipeline of applicants and potential candidates, but it turns out that it's not just the consulting firms, who play this game any more.

Nowadays, it's the entire job market.


In her book, Nickel and Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich points out that many organizations that hire blue-collar positions (i.e., cleaning ladies, waitresses, janitors, etc.) make a point of placing advertisements every so many weeks due to the high levels of turnover in their industries.  In other words, an ad is printed regularly every few weeks just to ensure a steady supply of resumes and applicants so the organization can be ready at a moment's notice in the event someone jumps ship or changes jobs.

Which would be perfectly reasonable if it weren't for one ugly truth:  Organizations following this practice seldom if ever admit to their applicants that the interviews they are scheduling are "pipeline interviews" vs. actual vacancies that need filling.  Put more simply, if you're an applicant, you never know whether you're interviewing for an actual job or as part of someone else's monthly candidate review quota.

So, what's the impact of this practice?  Well, on one hand it does what it sets out to achieve:  It gives the company a steady supply of resumes and viable candidates who are ready to assume positions if/when they appear.  But on the other hand, it does a tremendous disservice to the applicant who spends a great deal of time preparing to interview for a position that, in the end, does not even exist.  It also costs the company thousands of dollars every year in terms of staff time since the people whose schedules are disrupted to interview and evaluate this person must ultimately admit that their evaluations and summations amount to a colossal waste of time if the company has no interest in hiring someone.

Or to be absolutely blunt:  People whose time could be better spent more productively are instead required to become part of an elaborate charade that serves neither their interests nor the candidates' in the long run.

In fact, one could even argue that this practice actually hurts the organization more than it helps since the disgruntled applicant is far more likely after such an experience to dissuade friends and colleagues from applying to the company after such mistreatment.  "Don't bother applying there," they will say.  "I went through several interviews with them only to find out at the end that they were in a hiring freeze."  Moreover, in the digital era, it's not difficult for a deceived or misled applicant to vent his or her frustrations anonymously on any one of a number of job-related Web sites such as Glassdoor or the Vault.  Over time, as the power of the Web reaches further and further, such practices will undoubtedly lead to increasing numbers of disgruntled applicants venting their frustrations electronically and dissuading competent applicants from bothering to apply to a particular firm.  While one or two negative postings might easily be overlooked, such contentions become increasingly difficult to dismiss as the number of mistreated applicants increases.

Or put more succinctly, over time, applicants' information pipelines may yet someday rival those of the companies where they apply for positions.  That will be an interesting dynamic indeed.

Two Friends Look at the Current Job Market

(Editor's Note:  The following is based on actual conversations I have had with a number of friends but is a compilation rather than an actual transcript.) 

"So, tell me," my friend said as he settled back on our sofa and raised a glass of Scotch.  "Why have you been out of work for a year?"

I smiled.  It was going to be a long discussion. 

"Nobody's hiring," I told him.  "Lots of places advertise that they have jobs to fill, but few are actually bringing people on board.  Most are still in a freeze because they're unsure what a lot of the new health care and financial regulations are going to mean."  I paused to take my own sip of Scotch.  "And Congress going back and forth on whether to allow the last presidential administration's tax cuts to expire or to reinstate them only adds to the uncertainty and confusion." 

My friend shook his head.  "Aw, c'mon," he said.  "There have to be jobs out there.  Where have you been looking?"

I took another sip.  I was going to need it.  "Everywhere," I told him.  "Federal government, private sector, local opportunities, those in other states - you name it."

"But wait," he said.  "You live in the DC area.  Isn't this supposed to be one of the hottest job markets in the country?"

"Yes," I told him.  "If you have prior federal experience or a security clearance." 

"Well, that shouldn't be too hard for you," my friend said.  "You're one of the most straight-arrow types I know."

"Doesn't matter," I countered.  "A clearance can cost as much as $30,000.  No company wants to invest that kind of money to clear someone, especially in an area like this one where there are so many people with clearances already looking for work."

"So, you're telling me that the only jobs that are out there with the government require security clearances?" my friend said doubtfully.  "That doesn't make a whole lot of sense."

I took another sip.  At this rate, I would need a refill soon.  "No, they don't," I told him.  "But the federal government is notoriously slow when it comes to processing people's applications.  In fact, it can take up to six months for a lot of the paperwork to run through the normal channels.  One of the women I've been talking with has been trying to help me land a position since July."

My friend coughed.  "Since July?" he said, sputtering his Scotch. 

I nodded.  "Yep.  Since July."

My friend paused.  "By the way," he said.  "Nice Christmas tree."

"Thanks," I told him, pausing to refill his glass and mine. 

"So, okay, forget the federal government then," he said.  "What about the local jobs market?"

"All of that is tied to the federal government as well," I told him.  "We call them 'Beltway Bandits.'  Any company here that does any business at all is almost always tied to the federal government in one way or another.  That means you have to have - "

"Wait, don't tell me," my friend said.  "Prior federal experience?"

"Exactly," I told him. 

My friend paused.  "Well, what about the nonprofit sector?" he asked.  "You used to work for a few of them.  Couldn't you just go back there?"

I smiled wearily.  "I suppose," I said.  "But most nonprofits don't offer careers, only positions.  You join one - and probably make a below-market salary, by the way - and the job you get is the job you'll have as long as you're there."

"Why is that?" my friend asked.

"Because they typically have small staffs of one or two hundred at the most," I told him.  "Some of your larger ones will have more, but they pigeon-hole like all the rest.  That's why you often see so much turnover in the nonprofit sector.  People come in, they do the same job for a few years, and then they move on.  There are some 'lifers' who do the same job for twenty or thirty years; but I can't imagine working like that with no potential for promotion or career development."

My friend took another sip of his Scotch.  "Mm," he said.  "That's good Scotch."

"It should be," I reminded him.  "You bought it, remember?"

"Well, you are out of work."

"Don't remind me."

"Okay, so let's break this down.  You can't find a federal job without waiting for six months, you don't want to go the nonprofit route because you don't want to make a substandard salary for some place that will never promote you, so what's left?  Surely those 'Beltway Bandits' must have some non-federal positions?"

"Some do," I told him.  "But almost all of them are IT-related.  When I was getting my MBA, one of the recruiters they even had come and speak to our class told us that if you weren't in IT, there really wasn't a job market here in this area for you."

"And your background again is?"

"Marketing and communications," I told him. "But I did learning and development at my last job, so I've been focusing on that as well."

"Well, that shouldn't be too hard," my friend said.  "Just find a company that's looking for L&D and target them."

I laughed.  It was almost like we were talking different languages.

"Not that easy," I told him.

"Why not?" my friend asked.  "You have a good resume.  You've got experience.  Surely, someone out there has to have a job somewhere."

I shook my head.  "It's not like you think," I told him.  "Most places are happy to interview - "

"Okay," my friend interrupted.  "So, do we need to work on your interview skills?"

"- but they aren't hiring anyone at the moment," I finished.

My friend looked at me quizzically.  "What do you mean?  I was looking at Web sites before I came up here to visit you, and I saw dozens of job listings for different companies."

"Job listings are one thing," I said.  "Actual jobs are quite another."

"What do you mean?" my friend asked.

"Oh, companies are happy to advertise and interview," I told him.  "But just because you see a position listed on a company's site doesn't mean that it's hiring or that the position reflects an actual job."

"What are you saying?" my friend asked.  "You're telling me a company would falsely advertise for a job that doesn't exist?"

"Mm, not necessarily falsely," I replied, watching the light twinkle in my Scotch glass.  "It's not so much that they advertise for jobs that don't exist so much as they advertise for positions that they're not ready to fill just yet."

My friend shook his head.  "I don't understand."

"Let me put it this way.  Companies will always tell you that they're looking for key talent, right?"  My friend nodded.  "It's what helps them maintain a competitive edge, there is always some turnover some place, and you never know what might pop up, right?"  My friend nodded again.  "But a lot of times, companies go into hiring freezes, particularly at the end of the year - "

"Like now?"  He nodded toward our tree.

"Like now," I replied. 

"But don't they pull the positions down when they do that?" my friend asked.

I shook my head.  "Too much effort to take something down and then put it back up," I told him.  "Besides, many times those listings are left up after a position is filled because people haven't gotten around to taking it down."

"Wait a second," my friend said.  "You're telling me companies leave positions up online even if they're in a freeze and even after they've filled them?"

"All the time," I said.

My friend shook his head.  "I don't understand.  Why would a company waste time leaving something like that up if they're not going to fill it?  They wouldn't want to waste their time talking to someone if a job's not going to be filled, that wouldn't make any sense!"

"Wrong again," I corrected him.  "Companies will always say they're on the lookout for good talent, and they'll always be happy to interview you, sometimes two or three or even four or five times.  But in the end, if they don't have a position that fits you, they just tell you at the end, 'Thanks, but no thanks'."

"Oh, c'mon," my friend said.  "What company would waste time talking to a candidate and interviewing him once or twice - let alone more times than that - if they didn't have a position?  Why would you p*ss off a candidate like that and waste staff time for something that you're not going to fill in the first place?  What kind of company would do that?"

I listed three prominent consulting firms I had interviewed with over the past year. 

"You mean to tell me," my friend said.  "You've had interviews with all three of those firms, and in every case you were called back for multiple interviews but in the end there wasn't a position?"

"Yep," I told him.  "In fact, I didn't even know what kind of position I was interviewing for when I spoke with them."

"WHAT?!?!"

"That's the way some of these big companies operate," I told him.  "They bring you in for the interview because they want to see if you'd be a 'fit' for them, but they're not sure where they would place you or even if they can place you, so they interview you and if you pass and there's a match, they bring you back.  If not, they don't."

My friend took a long sip of his drink.  "So, let me get this straight," he said.  "You can't find a job with the federal government because you don't have a clearance, and even though you could get one, it costs too much to get you one - "

"Mm-hmm," I said. 

"But you can't find a job because private companies that may or may not be hiring can't tell you whether or not they're not hiring; but even if they AREN'T hiring, they're still willing to waste your time and theirs interviewing you for jobs that they don't have.  And even when they do interview you, they can't even give you a description of the position that they have because, in reality, that job may or may not even exist?  Do I have that right?"

"Yep," I said, sipping a bit more of my Scotch.  "See why so many people are out of work for a long time?  It's an impossible situation.  You can't apply for jobs that don't exist, and the ones that appear to exist often don't, and even if they do, you still have to compete against internal candidates or other people in the market who may be more qualified - or, come to think of it, even those who are less qualified but who might be willing to work for less money.  And you have to do this over and over and over until you just happen to land in the right place at the right time."


My friend shook his head.  "Unbelievable," he said.

"Oh, I wouldn't call it that," I said. 

"What would you call it?"

"Well," I said.  "Remember that word that describes doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results?"

Friday Funnies

A common belief holds that hiring stops during the holiday season.  While that may be largely true, it does not mean that the interview process comes to a halt along with it.  (Trust me, I have three scheduled this month; although none of them are likely to be bringing anyone on board before January given the holiday scheduling.)

With so much and nothing happening all at once, it's good to step back and have a laugh or two, so enjoy the funnies for this week. 

Onward & upward!

***

Why is it always called "raw" sewage?  Does anyone actually cook that stuff?

- George Carlin

***

The older I get, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."

  - H.L. Mencken

***

A businessman decided to take a tour around his business and see how things were going.  Visiting the shipping docks, he noticed a young man leaning against a wall doing nothing whatsoever.  

"Son," he said.  "How much are you paid each day?"

"One hundred and fifty dollars," was the young man's reply. 

The boss opened his wallet.  "Here's $150.  Get out of here and don't come back until you can be productive."  The young man took the money and walked away.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk approached the boss.  "Excuse me, sir," he said.  "Have you seen the UPS man I asked to wait for me here?"

- Anonymous

***

And last but not least, a bit of video humor for that moment we've all probably had at one time or another:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNq3ljtw118

 

Beware of Scam Artists

Sure, we all know not to give our bank account information to those Nigerian bank officials promising to share millions of dollars mistakenly frozen in somebody else's account; but believe it or not, those aren't the latest scams. 

No, nowadays people like to prey on the desperate and unemployed.

How do I know this?  Well, obviously it's afflicted me and others that I know, so I thought if nothing else that I should share this information for everyone else's benefit.  (Hey, try and put one over on me & I can promise you that I'll do everything I can to make sure no one else becomes your next victim.  Think of it as my way not so much of giving back but getting back, as they say...)

I've already written about companies adding rejected job seekers to their mailing lists and how that humorously-but-probably-accurately contributes to global warming (larger mailing lists mean more junk mail, which means more paper is consumed and that more trees must be harvested to meet the artificially inflated demands - hey, it works if you're willing to go with it...), but now we have scam artists using networking events to push products and solicit job seekers to become franchise owners. 

Put another way, some people really will stoop to unbelievable lows. 

At a recent networking event, I and several acquaintances were approached by a woman whom I will call "Jane."  Jane offered to help share her networking expertise as an independent recruiter to help put you in touch with people at different companies where she has connections.  A quick check of her Web site shows that Jane seems to be a bona fide & legit recruiter; however, during your first phone call with Jane she subsequently launches into a very heavy sales pitch followed by an e-mail campaign that basically goes as follows:

----- Forwarded Message ----

From: "Jane"
To: Jxxxx
Sent: Sun, November 14, 2010 1:23:54 PM
Subject: Re: XYZ Position

Hi, [NAME]

I've forwarded your resume to [COMPANY] and will let you know when I hear something back.  However, if you're tired of working for others, and want to live a semi-retired lifestyle and get more out of your own business, let's talk more about [JUICE] as an additional stream of income for you. You can do it part-time, if you wish. Here are three videos below. Promise me you'll watch them and let me know if you want to meet for coffee. It's important.


According to friends who have been approached by Jane, she then launches into a hard sell about putting some money into the program - even going as far as suggesting to do so on your own credit card - to help push the product.  An upcoming speaking engagement is also touted as a way to meet other hopeful supporters and "franchise leaders" so you can "find ways to start making money right away." 

Look, part of me honestly thinks that anyone naive enough to fall for this kind of bull deserves what they get, but the thought of someone using legitimate networking functions where honest and desperate people are trying to find job leads so they can put food on their tables or pay bills as a means of preying on them is despicable. 

Bottom line:  Never forget that someone is always willing to take advantage of your situation; and anyone offering to help you should probably be given the benefit of the doubt initially; but don't be too surprised if that helping hand occasionally and unfortunately turns out to have its own goals in mind.

Friday Funnies

With the holidays just around the corner, the interviews are likely to be fewer and farther between, so that's as good a reason as any to remember to take time to laugh.  Enjoy!

***

A man gets a phone call from his father in Arizona.  "You're mom and I are getting a divorce," his father says bluntly.

"WHAT?!" the man asks. 

"It's true," his father says.  "I can't stand that woman any longer.  You need to tell your sister Suzy."

"Hold on," the son says.  "Let me call Suzy and tell her.  Don't do anything until we get back to you."  He quickly dials his sister and relays the news. 

"WHAT?!" she shouts.  "Oh, no, they're not!  We're not sitting still for this one bit.  Buy your plane ticket and I'll meet you there this weekend.  They must be out of their minds."

The son calls his father back.  "Suzy and I are flying out this weekend.  Just sit tight until we get there."

The father hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.  "Good news," he says.  "They'll be here for Thanksgiving, and they're paying their own way."

***

"My name is Ron White.  I'm a comedian.  I come from a large family.  My brother is an accomplished lawyer, my sister is a surgeon - and I hate Thanksgiving."

- Ron White

***

A woman bought a parrot from a pet store and was warned about the bird's salty language.  "He swears like a sailor," the proprietor told her.  

"Oh, I'm sure he's fine," the woman said. 

No sooner did she get the bird back home, however, when he immediately began cursing up a storm.  The profanity was so bad that the woman threw him into the freezer to cool him off.  After ten minutes, the parrot began softly scratching at the door, and the woman took him back out.  From that moment forward, he was practically a model pet and never uttered a single profanity. 

"Hey," the woman asked him weeks later.  "What made you change your habits?"

The parrot squawked, "Well, when I saw that turkey in your freezer, I knew you meant business!"

***

And last but not least, we have this similarly-themed fowl joke that isn't quite about a turkey but still worth a chuckle.  Read on...

A farmer noticed his hens were laying fewer eggs and decided it was time to replace his stud rooster.  He drove into town and bought the largest rooster he could find and returned to his farm.  As soon as the old stud rooster saw the newcomer strutting the barnyard and flexing his wings, he knew his time has come.

"Hi," he said, introducing himself to the young stud.  "Look, I remember when I was the new youngblood here, and I know I'm not as strong as I once was.  Tell you what, I'll just take a couple of the older hens and leave the rest to you, okay?"

The young rooster looked at the old codger and shook his head.  "No way, man," he said. "I'm the new sheriff in town, and all the hens are MINE."

The old rooster sighed.  "Very well," he said.  "Tell you what, maybe we can do something to save my pride a little then.  Let's have a race around the barnyard tomorrow morning.  The winner gets all the hens.  That way it at least looks like I lost fair and square.  Deal?"

The young rooster looked at the old rooster.  "Deal, pops," he said.  "In fact, I'll even give you a four-length handicap!"

Sure enough, the next morning all the barnyard animals gathered to watch the race.  When it began, they all began to cheer and shout.  Before a few seconds had passed, the young rooster had not only gained on the older rooster but was right on his tail. 

The farmer, hearing all the commotion, stepped out onto his front porch and saw the young rooster closing on the older one.  "Oh, no!" he said.  Grabbing his shotgun, he quickly blasted the young rooster to smithereens. 

"I don't get it," the farmer said, shaking his head.  "That's the fourth gay rooster I've bought this month!"

The Return of the Purple Squirrel

Earlier this year I wrote about the mythical purple squirrel that one fellow job seeker told me about.  The term represents the mythical perfect-fit companies always seek but can never find.  Rather than compromise on expected perfection, they keep searching and hoping they'll find that jack-of-all-possible-trades who can:

• Solve every single problem and need
• Get along perfectly with ever single conflicting personality in the office
• Bring decades of experience to the position without somehow being over 40 years of age, and yet is still
• Willing to work for the lowest salary grade possible.

Well, as they say in horror movie circles, "He's baaaack..." 

True enough, no less an authority than Juan Williams's favorite former employer NPR posted an excellent article on just how far companies are willing to hold out as they search for that ultimate candidate.  With rising health care costs, leaner budgets, and a continuing anxiety over the ongoing recession, firms are so reluctant to hire that it's not uncommon for them to decide even after finding suitable candidates with strong records that, "Well, for us the time is just not right at the moment.  Call us back in another 6 months."  (Which makes perfect sense, actually, since most job seekers have little else to do but circle back to the same companies that reject them every six months, right?) 

Anyway, you can read the full article here.  It's part of an ongoing series NPR is producing on how skills gaps (or perceived gaps) are in many instances keeping companies from hiring.  A particularly notable part of the series addresses the fact that many applicants apparently continue to "live in the past" when it comes to salaries.  The argument goes that if an applicant has transferable-but-not-identical skills, s/he should be willing to compromise on salary to take a position. 

This would be almost comical if it didn't ignore the more fundamental fact that employers often won't hire someone who used to make a higher salary in his or her previous job.  The reason?  Once the economy picks back up, they fear, the candidate will bolt for a higher-paying position elsewhere. 

This puts candidates in a perfect Catch-22:  If they disclose what they actually made at their last jobs, they may price themselves out of consideration.  On the other hand, if they lowball what they were actually making and the discrepancy is discovered as part of the standard due diligence normally done before a hiring decision is made, the candidate looks dishonest and won't receive an offer.  In short, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

Bottom line?  Candidates may indeed have to get used to living in a different world as far as compensation is concerned, but they also shouldn't be penalized for once making something more at their previous positions, either.  Put another way, companies shouldn't expect to have it both ways, or they may find themselves unable to hire anyone at all.

Snappy Comebacks for Stupid Interview Questions

We've all done it.  At one time or another, everyone's made a complete fool of himself by asking the insanely stupid question that automatically makes you wish life was like comic strips where you could reach up and pull back to offending dialogue balloon hovering over your head.  "My, God," you think.  "Did I really just say that?"

Yes, you did. 

And while foot-in-mouth disease is probably more common than any of us would like to admit, the fact that some interviewers offer such zingers with unbelievable regularity is enough to make any job seeker wonder if they've stepped into an episode of Rod Serling's "Twilight Zone."  (Cue the music here...)  We've examined some of these before; but lately when the sames sorts of questions keep popping up, you have to wonder if it's something in the water.  Read on for some (yes) real life examples...

(Editor's Note:  All listings are regrettably true and based on actual candidates' experiences relayed to this author; the italicized responses were considered but never expressed. As we often say here at Modern Sisyphus, you can't make this sort of stuff up.)

***

Interviewer:  I see you live in Gainesville, Virginia. That's out past Manassas, isn't it?
Candidate:  Yes, it is.
Interviewer:  How far is that, exactly?
Candidate:  About 30 miles, give or take.
Interviewer:  Well, then, how will you plan to get to work?
Candidate:  Well, I thought I'd saddle up ol' Betsy around 4:30 and just gallop on down I-66.

***

Interviewer:  So, what have you been doing since you were laid off?
Candidate:  Well, as my resume indicates, I've been doing a lot of independent consulting and volunteer work until the economy turns around and people start hiring again.
Interviewer:  I see.  Well, why do you want to return to full-time work?
Candidate:  I don't know, maybe because I have the same bills to pay like you, and my savings account isn't getting any larger the longer I'm out of work.  Why do you think? 

***

Interviewer:  Do you consider yourself a Type A or a Type B sort of person?
Candidate:  Well, I like to think of myself as an easy-going person who can get along with anybody, so I guess I'd say Type B.
Interviewer:  Yeah, that's what I thought about you.  If you'd said you were Type A, I'd have called you a liar.
Candidate:  I see.  Shall I just show myself out then?

***

Interviewer:  I noticed you did not complete our online application form. 
Candidate:  Which part?
Interviewer: The part where we ask for your SAT scores.
Candidate:  You do realize I took those more than 20 years ago, and that the scoring system has changed dramatically since then?  And that those probably have little if any relevance compared to my two decades of work experience in this area?
Interviewer:  I know, but we need to include them or we can't hire you.
Candidate:  Thank you for your time.

***

Husband:  So, honey, did you finish applying to that new job site Suzy sent you?
Wife:  No, I found out it wasn't a very professional Web site.
Husband:  Really?  Are you sure?
Wife:  Yes.
Husband:  What happened?
Wife:  Well, when I got to the part where they ask me what languages I speak and one of the selections listed was "Klingon," I kinda figured it was time to find a different Web site...

***

Candidate:  Tell me how this position came about.  Is it a new position or a new vacancy?
Interviewer:  It's a new vacancy. 
Candidate:  I see.  What happened to the last person who held this job?
Interviewer:  She was released as part of a reorganization.
Candidate:  I see.  Was she the only one?
Interviewer:  Actually, no.  There has been some turnover in the department as a result of the reorganization, and a number of positions were affected.
Candidate:  When you say "a number of positions," what number are we talking about?
Interviewer:  Well, as part of our new paradigm, we had to reorganize to make sure our staffing needs were in line with our goals for the new arrangement, so we had to release 75% of the staff.
Candidate:  (Aghast)  You let go 75% of the staff?
Interviewer:  Well, actually it was 50%. 
Candidate:  Fifty percent?
Interviewer:  Yes.  One person resigned, so we didn't have to let her go. 
Candidate:  Wait.  You're telling me you had a staff of four, two were let go, and a third "resigned?"
Interviewer:  Yes. 
Candidate:  I see. (Pause) Well, would it be possible to talk with that remaining 25% by any chance?
Interviewer:  Oh, no.  He'll be leaving soon, too.
Candidate:  Okay, I think we're done here. 


Got any interview zingers of your own?  Had a recent discussion with a hiring manager that made you think, "Uh, oh...I may be out of work, but I think it would be better to keep searching before working at this place..."  Send 'em along!

Friday Funnies - Video Edition

When keeping a blog, it helps to have friends with the same offbeat sense of humor you have.  To that end, we devote this edition of the Friday Funnies to some forwarded videos courtesy of a friend of mine.  If you're the type of person who hates commercials on one hand but loves clip collections like, "World's Funniest Commercials," then this is for you.  Enjoy!

***

What do men really do when they're repairing the roof? 

And why should you beware of power tools? 

And why should you be extra cautious during some months more than others?

What if Candidate Rejections Mirrored Company Ones?

(Editor's Note:  Anyone who's read more than a few of these postings knows one of my biggest pet peeves is the way companies interview candidates for positions that don't exist or post advertisements just to solicit resumes when they have no plans to do any actually hiring.  That led me to wonder, what if candidates could do the same thing to companies?  What would that be like?  Read on and find out.)

(Opening Scene:  A typical household.  The phone rings.  A very qualified applicant picks it up.)

Applicant:  Hello?

Hiring Manager: Hi.  Is Jack there?

Applicant: This is Jack.

Hiring Manager:  Jack!  It's Fred with Widget Makers, Inc.  I'm calling with some great news for you.  Our management team was really impressed with your credentials and enjoyed meeting you last week for that panel interview.  And after running things through the system, we've put together a compensation and benefits package that we think will be right in line with what you outlined.  Therefore, we'd like to go ahead and make you a formal offer at this time.

Applicant: Well, Fred, I appreciate your interest; but due to a realignment of my priorities and business needs, I'm afraid I will not be making any new employment decisions at this time.

Hiring Manager:  (Aghast)  WHAT?!?!

Applicant:  Yes, I really enjoyed talking with you and your managers last week, and your company's qualifications are certainly very impressive.  However, due to an unfortunate freeze in my decision making, I'm afraid I'm not able to accept any offers at this time.

Hiring Manager:  Wait, wait.  Hold on.  I'm confused.  Last week you said you were very interested in working for us.

Applicant:  Yes, but I'm afraid my needs have changed. 

Hiring Manager:  You're telling me that they've changed just since last week? 

Applicant:  I'm afraid so.  However, I will keep your offer on file for six months, and in the event my needs change, I'll be glad to contact you. 

Hiring Manager:  Jack, this is a one-time offer.  It won't be around in six more months.

Applicant: Well, when organizations tell me they'll keep my resume on file for six more months, that usually means they won't be calling me, either.  I just wanted to be up front with you. 

Hiring Manager:  (Frustrated)  I don't understand, Jack.  We spent a great deal of time putting this package together and scheduling these meetings with you; and last week everything seemed fine.  You're telling me that this was time that was wasted because you were never really interested in finding a job in the first place?

Applicant:  Again, I really enjoyed talking with you and your team.  As I said, your qualifications are quite impressive and commendable.  I'm afraid it's just not the right fit for me at this time.

Hiring Manager:  (Exasperated)  Jack, I'm really confused here.  What do you mean when you say it's not the right fit?  Last week everything seemed to be very positive.  Have you accepted another offer?

Applicant:  No, like any candidate, I need to keep my finger on the pulse of the hiring market to see what's out there.  So I regularly screen employers to measure their value propositions for employees to make sure what I'm offering is competitive in the marketplace.

Hiring Manager:  So, you're telling me that we were just market research for you and that you were never really seriously thinking about working for us at all?

Applicant:  I wouldn't look at it that way.  As I said, I enjoyed meeting with you and your team; it's just not the right match for me at this time.

Hiring Manager:  There's that phrase again about "match" and "fit."  Jack, I have to be honest with you.  This is really putting us in a bad position.  You're telling me we have to start our search all over again?

Applicant: Well, as a job seeker, I know I've been there many times myself.  You've got a good company.  I'm sure you'll find something.

Hiring Manager:  Jack, this search has taken us several months; and as you know, it's a difficult time out there to be hiring right now.  Is there any way we can get you to reconsider?  I mean, perhaps we could schedule another meeting or something -

Applicant:  I'm sorry.  I have business needs that I have to attend to, so I can't just meet with every employer who wants to make me an offer.  If I did that, I'd never be able to do the rest of the things I have to do.  (Side note:  This is an actual paraphrasing of something that was once told to this author by a recruiter - you can't make this kind of diplomatic finesse up.)

Hiring Manager:  Jack, don't you think this is just a little unprofessional?  I mean, you wasted a good deal of our time that could have been spent looking at candidates who were serious about working for us.

Applicant:  Excuse me, Fred, but didn't you tell me you folks had been in a hiring freeze for the past year? That didn't seem to stop you from leaving all those positions up on your Web site during that time.  How much time did you waste looking at all those resumes you received?

Hiring Manager:  We didn't waste any time.  We weren't looking at any resumes -

Applicant:  That's what I mean.  You advertised for jobs you weren't planning to fill and wasted a lot of other people's time that they could have spent more productively talking to companies that were actually hiring; but now that the shoe's on the other foot, you're upset because you think I wasted your time? 

Hiring Manager:  But it's not the same -

Applicant: No, it's not. But you know what it is, Fred?

Hiring Manager:  What?

Applicant:  It's just business.  Thank you for your call.  I wish you well in your future endeavors. 

(Curtain)

The Sounds of Silence

Perhaps nothing frustrates the dedicated job seeker more than the sound of crickets after a promising interview.  You prepare your talking points meticulously, research the company so you can be as prepared as possible, and then after what seems like a positive discussion that concludes with the words, "We'd like to go ahead and see about scheduling a face-to-face interview, so what's your schedule look like for next week?" you hear...nothing.

Maybe you're undaunted and determined.  Maybe you long ago concluded that passivity doesn't get you anywhere and that you have to be proactive to succeed.  Maybe you also concluded that patience is hardly a positive virtue when it comes to job searching and you have to be persistent.  Or maybe - like this writer - you have zero patience left to begin with.  In any event, you take it upon yourself to write some polite thank-you messages and follow-up e-mails to be professional, and your reward is that sweet sound of what Art and Paul sang about more than 40 years ago.  What do you do? 

Well, in my case, having had this happen twice in the past three weeks - that quote in the first paragraph is verbatim, by the way - I decided there was nothing to be gained by being passive and very little if anything to be lost by being persistent, so I did what I always do in these situations and wrote to other contacts at the companies.  I also did a very dangerous thing.

I tried to think about what could be happening on the other side of the wall. 

Near as I can figure, here are the most logical explanations:

It's the fourth quarter of the year.  Typically, most firms hire in the first and second quarters of the year; the summer is when people are frequently out of the office and vacationing (thus making it difficult to get all the players on the same page for any hiring discussions); and the fourth quarter is that end-of-the-year time when holidays and budgets make it all too easy to kick the can down the road. 

It's an undead or phantom position.  Yes, I know, we left Halloween last month, but these sorts of position descriptions still play havoc with the job search.  In this particular case, however, given that I had internal connections at both organizations, I'm thinking the jobs actually exist, they may simply be -

Frozen.  Yes, as we know from earlier postings on this blog, leaving a position up on the Internet after it's frozen is an all-too-common tactic to disguise a hiring freeze.  Plus, companies are always happy to interview available talent to see "what else is out there," they're just usually far too hesitant to do anything beyond keeping your resume on file these days when they're still trying to sort out whether the budget will allow them to bring on more staff at this point (or keep the ones they already have). 

But if the position does exist, hasn't been frozen, and hasn't been filled from within, there's always that other, uglier possibility -

You didn't measure up, kid.  Nobody likes to face this prospect, but we all know it happens.  Maybe your skills came up short in one other area no one considered essential; maybe your age and salary needs put you just a hair beyond the new range that the company decided - why, just yesterday, in fact - that they needed to have for this particular job band.  Or maybe you just didn't match the hiring manager's profile, which is all-too-often defined as "someone more or less like me or made in the same mold as I am."  (And yes, men and women both do this subconsciously - it's called "compatibility.") 

The only problem with any of these possibilities?  None of them explain why a company can't simply acknowledge a response or reply with a polite message telling the applicant that the job is still being evaluated, other candidates are being interviewed, or even something as general as "things are moving forward, albeit slowly."  To say nothing paints an unflattering picture of the corporation and its culture; and it also ignores the fundamental fact that the hiring market is no different from any other market in that it has its highs and lows.  And just as sellers can be choosy in a sellers' market, so can buyers when it's a buyers' market.

Or to put it another way, someday the job market will change as well - and chances are applicants will have very strong memories about how they are treated or mistreated by firms that can't even bother to acknowledge messages or make good on their pledges, commitments, and even their verbal offers to candidates. 

I can hardly wait.

Undercover Boss? How About "Undercover Applicant" Instead?

Okay, I admit it.  I've never been a fan of reality TV.  I often think I'm the only person who has never watched a single episode of "Survivor," never got into "The Amazing Race," and never really got "hooked" on any of the shows.  But I know the shows are cheap to produce, and so long as there is good-guy / bad-guy conflict that people can root for or against, we're likely to get more and more of them. 

However, there IS one show I've been tempted to watch but have never actually bothered to, and that is "Undercover Boss."  The premise is that a CEO takes on the role of a lower-level staffer at his - and yes, it's still mostly "his" as opposed to "hers" these days - own firm to see what it's like in the trenches.  The boss takes on the role of a mail clerk, cleaner, or other menial task to view life from the bottom.  How would the boss do at your job?  Could he handle it?  And what would he learn? 

I have a counter-proposal for the networks:  Do another show where the CEO has to interview for that same job. 

You read that right.  Have the guy in the suit with the diamond cuff links actually interview for an administrative assistant position, data-entry clerk, documentation specialist, or similar menial job and see how he does.  Better still, have him do so at several firms like his own and see how many callbacks he gets (or doesn't.)  The scenarios practically write themselves:

• Forget that continuous-improvement thing.  Imagine a documentation specialist trying to "improve" the way things are done in filing system.  He'd be backhanded and out the door in a few days (assuming he even lasted that long) for "not doing things the way we do them around here." 
• Sorry, we need someone with better computer skills.  Sure, in the executive suite you probably have someone to operate your computer and print your calendar; but in the trenches, you gotta do it yourself and know how to do it flawlessly.  Don't know Excel 101 or how to do a mail-merge in Word?  See ya.
• You don't fit within our diversity program.  Let's face it, go into any room full of CEOs or stop by any golf club and it's going to be white-male central.  Now picture those same guys trying to interview for low-level jobs when HR has a set of diversity goals to maintain.  Admittedly, it may be hard on some levels to feel too much sympathy for these guys, but that's only until you realize countless other people out there run into this same wall every day.
• You're just not a team player.  Any executive with years of experience is not likely to fit too readily into a group of people whom he still sees as his subordinates.  Seeing how things are done - particularly if they are done incorrectly or contrary to any initiatives he tried to launch or thought he'd already pushed through - will make him angry and frustrated.  That leaves him a catch-22:  He either becomes part of the problem by adopting the systems and practices he opposed, OR he tries to change them and gets branded - you guessed it - as somebody who's a "troublemaker."  Sayonara.
• This guy can't even use a copier.  Let's face it, once we pass the age of 30, that bloody machine gets increasingly difficult to use.  When you were in your 20s, you knew all the buttons and features; but somewhere along the way, the complexity grew as your ability to handle it fell.  Consequently, it's all most people who aren't admin assistants can do to simply enter an accounting code and press start.  That sorting and stapling function?  Copying on both sides?  Changing paper sizes?  Good luck with that.

Think about it.  Every week having the opportunity to watch CEOs getting bounced from menial jobs that they're not able to handle?  That might be a reality show worth watching.

Friday Funnies & Puns

As always, Friday brings a moment to step back from the job search, refocus one's efforts, and hopefully find a bit of laughter throughout the insanity.  Normally, I include jokes & puns from various personal resources, but this week's selection comes courtesy of a fellow job seeker who was kind enough to share a few thoughts and jokes.  Since it's obvious she and I share the same sense of humor, I can only say I hope she seeks help soon...

Enjoy!

***

A guy is driving around Arkansas and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?" the man asks.

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable assets for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for an airport job to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He then asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the man says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."

***
 

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when a voice said, "Pick me up."  He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. "

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said ' kiss me and I will be the most beautiful woman you've ever seen!!!' "

The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nahhhhhhh....., at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”

***
 
And finally, just to round out this list for today:
 
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
 Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.


Practice safe eating; always use condiments.


Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.


A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

What I Learned from Classic Cinema: Caddyshack

George Carlin is famous (infamous?) for his "Seven Dirty Words" routine from the 1970s that wound up going all the way to the Supreme Court.  What Carlin's non-aficionados might not know is that he actually expanded and continued the routine well into the 1980s by adding additional "blue" phrases and sayings.  By 1985, the routine had grown into "An Incomplete List of Impolite Words" that totaled over 400 inappropriate-for-mixed-company terms.  Carlin described the list as "incomplete" because, "Every time I think I've got them all, somebody comes along and says, 'Hey, you forgot [expletive]!'"

Why do I mention this?  Well, much like Carlin's list that grew and morphed over time, the list of lessons to be learned from classic television and cinema keeps growing as well.  Put another way, every time I think I've covered it, somebody e-mails me and says, "Hey, I saw your blog!  You gotta do [NAME] next!" 

So, with that objective in mind, we turn our attention today to another cinematic great from years past  -  the film that made golf actually seem like an enjoyable experience, made us believe you could carry kegs and stereos in your golf bag, and introduced us to dancing gophers.  That's right - we're doing Caddyshack!

***

Always remember the importance of being able to distinguish yourself.  People who follow the crowd by definition are not leaders.  This means having your own style and approach to problem solving, as well as social interaction.  Rodney Dangerfield provided some classic examples of what to do to accomplish this.  Especially when dealing with someone like Ted Knight.

Never forget, all offers come with strings attached.  Remember how Danny had to all but sell his soul to win that scholarship?  And how with that on the line, he realized he couldn't throw his lot in with the judge and had to sink that critical putt at the end?  Granted, he would have missed it without Bill Murray's pyrotechnics, but the lesson's clear:  Nobody makes you an offer without expecting something in return.

If you play fair, be prepared to lose fair, too.  You never know when someone might have a couple of goons on hand to "help you find your checkbook" as Sir Rodney had to have done when Ted Knight decided to welsh on his bet. 

Never be afraid to improvise when the situation calls for it.  Remember how much we loved Bill Murray's psychotic groundskeeper character?  Turns out almost all of his lines were improvised.  And since I can't go through an item on this list without a Ted Knight reference, it should be noted that this reportedly drove the nice-guy-in-real-life actor to near-fits of apoplexy.

Never underestimate an opponent because of his size.  Sure, he might even be a furry little puppet, but that doesn't mean he can't steal your movie and become an iconic character in his own right.  Especially if he can dance to Kenny Loggins.

Remember Occam's Razor.  When translated for contemporary reference, this principle holds that the simplest possible explanation is usually the correct one.  The trouble is, we all too frequently tend to discount such conclusions because of their simplicity.  Yet in many instances, the quickest and easiest solution is often the best.  So the next time you want to clear out a pool quickly, don't go to any great lengths to try and accomplish what can be achieved by simply heaving a Baby Ruth into the water...

And last but not least...

Never be ashamed of those guilty pleasures.  Sure, Journey may be passe corporate rock, but admit it, you loved listening to it when it was pumped out of Rodney's golf bag.  And when Kenny Loggins comes on the radio during those long road trips, don't pretend like you and your friends don't start dancing in the car seat like the gopher...



The Return of the Phantom Position

If you've read enough of these blog entries, you know one of my pet peeves about the job search - aside from the others too numerous to mention - involves companies that advertise for openings that don't actually exist.  Unlike what my friends and I refer to as "zombie" positions that linger long after they have "died," these "phantom" jobs earn their name because they were never really physical to begin with. 

In case you're wondering, I encountered yet another such position just last week from a supposedly reputable education firm.  After learning of the position from a fellow job seeker who actually took the time to pass it along to me after seeing it would fit my background, I checked the company's Web site and made two phone calls.  After connecting with the placement firm's manager and discussing the job, I quickly customized a resume and forwarded it.  (Full disclosure:  By "customized" I mean I "modified a few bits and pieces" only; I've long since given up spending hours tailoring something specifically to a position for, well, just this reason.  Read on.)  Sure enough, on Friday I get this e-mail:


----- Forwarded Message ----

From: Exxxx Gxxxxxxxx <exxxx@xxxxxxxxx.com>
To: John xxxxxxx <jxxxxxxx@xxxx.com>
Sent: Fri, October 29, 2010 4:21:41 PM
Subject: RE: xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx Position

Hi John. Thanks for sending me your resume. We are “on hold” with this search for the time being, as Pxxxxxxxxx is re-defining the role. It may move to another city as well. I’ll get in touch if they decide to move forward, or if there are other opportunities that seem like they may be a fit.

Best, Exxxx 
 
 
So, in other words, this (supposedly) reputable company not only authorized a search firm to begin soliciting resumes for a position, it did so before it had even determined the city in which the position would be located.  That speaks pretty poorly of the firm, but it's not all. As it turns, out, this job never actually existed to begin with. 
 
How do I know this?  Because when I made my two phone calls last week, the other one was to the HR department of the company itself to make sure the position actually existed before I applied.  The job had no requisition number - something that, in retrospect, should probably have qualified as a "clue" - and I was lucky enough to get a helpful HR manager who checked the database using the listed title, city location, and keywords.
 
She found no such position.
 
Now, as I see it, there are two possibilities.  Either the position did exist, but the company's database was too complex for one of its own employees to use - a scenario that I admit is probably far more realistic than most of us would care to admit - or the position was advertised by a placement firm at the company's request to gauge talent and measure responses without actually being real.  If we were in Vegas, you can probably guess where I'd be putting my money. 
 
If an appliance store advertises sales for models that are no longer in stock just to get you in the door, we consider that a shady - and in court it would be probably be considered illegal - practice.  Jim Bakker went to jail for continuing to sell rooms at his PTL resort after there was literally no more room left at the inn.  In short, if someone falsely advertises for something they don't have or can't offer, we rightfully regard that as something to be frowned upon.  Yet if my own recent experiences are any judge, this is not only a common practice when it comes to posting positions, it's practically standard.  At one recent networking event, I heard a number of HR professionals complain that far too often companies use position advertisements to build databases of potential talent for future positions.  In other words, this is not so much a questionable practice involving one possible position, it's a commonly misleading one for gauging and measuring talent in the market, not for actually advertising positions that the company needs to fill. 
 
If that's the case, then many firms - even the supposedly reputable ones - are no more trustworthy than the proverbial used car salesman or jukebox dealer.  In that sense, there's another term that might be more applicable than "shady" or "misleading" when it comes to how companies engage in supposed hiring practices.
 
Fraudulent. 

The Catch-22 of Interviews

In the award-winning documentary, "The Fog of War," former secretary of defense Robert McNamara reminds the viewer of one of the basic lessons of public relations:  "Always answer the question you wish you had been asked rather than the one you are actually asked."  This advice is essential for dealing with the sorts of ridiculous no-win situations that often accompany a job interview:  "Tell me about your biggest weakness" or "Describe the biggest mistake you made at your last job."  Both scenarios require candidates to carefully describe a story that reveals precisely the sort of flaw that might keep them from being hired but which refusing to relate may elicit the same result.  Catch-22.

The solution?  Answer the way you wish the question had been phrased rather than the way it actually is. 

While this is excellent advice for dealing with such no-win situations, I've recently encountered a different one that I had not expected.  My layoff from my last employer took place in February of 2009, which in another few months will have been two years ago.  (Cue the rueful shaking of the head here...)  Since that time, I have been keeping busy by doing many of the same things all the job advisers tell us to do - freelancing, contracting, networking, and even the occasional volunteer work.  Since I don't want prospective interviewers to think I've been sitting around doing nothing, I've put all of these on my resume under the title, "Independent Consultant." 

The result?  More and more interviewers want to know, "Why do you want to leave independent consulting and return to full-time work?"  (No, I'm serious here because you can't make this sort of ridiculous scenario up...)

So, in other words, if I did absolutely nothing but search for a full-time job and listed only my most recent full-time employer on my resume, the inevitable question would be, "What have you been doing since being laid off?"  But if I do all sorts of activities aimed at helping me land my next job, I get asked, "So, why do you want to give all this up and return to full-time work?"  It's precisely this sort of damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don't sort of situation that makes job seekers have flattened foreheads:  You pound 'em against the wall enough times, and eventually it does start to show.

The solution?  Well, as my wife put it, "Remember your PR training.  Always answer the question you wish you'd been asked rather than the one you were."  So, my answers to this absurdity have ranged from, "Well, after being downsized I wanted to keep my skills sharp, so I began doing independent consulting as a means of keeping current until my next job..." to "Well, when you're laid off, you do independent consulting until you're able to land your next full-time job, and what interested me so much in this position is..." 

In short, much like the question about your greatest weakness, there is no "right" way to answer absurd questions.  You simply have to answer different ones that put you in the best position.

Even if those aren't necessarily the ones you're actually asked.

Friday Funnies

As always, when it's time to wind down the week after some prospecting, it's best to do it with humor.  Enjoy!

***

A management consultant with a passion for hot-air ballooning finds himself blown off course and drifting helplessly over the countryside.  Spotting a bird watcher below, he calls down, "Excuse me, can you please tell me where I am?"

The bird watcher adjusts his binoculars, looks up at the man, and says, "Well, it looks to me like you're in a hot air balloon, fifty feet up, and drifting west."

The management consultant frowns.  "You must be an engineer," he tells the man.

"As a matter of fact, I am," the man replies.  "How did you know?"

"Because you gave me a lot of information that's technically correct but which really doesn't help me any."

The birdwatcher/engineer smiled.  "You must be a manager," he tells the balloonist.

"Yes, I am," says the man.  "How did you know?"

"Well," says the bird watcher.  "You need my help, I've told you everything I know, I'm doing my best to help you, and you're still not satisfied; but now it's somehow MY FAULT."

***

A lazy sparrow put off flying south for the winter until it was nearly too late.  Finally taking to the air, he quickly flew into an ice storm.  Gradually, the ice began to coat his wings, and the sparrow found he was too heavy to continue flying and fell to earth.  To make matters worse, shortly after he landed a cow passed by and decided to poop all over the sparrow as he lay in the field.

"Great," said the sparrow.  "This is just perfect."

However, the warm manure quickly began to melt the ice on the sparrow's wings.  In a short time, he found he could flap them again, and he felt so good that he began to sing.  Unfortunately, the singing attracted a nearby cat, who followed the sound, cleared away the poo, and quickly ate the little sparrow.

Morals:
1.  Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
2.  Not everyone who gets you out of a stinky situation is your friend.
3.  And if you're warm and happy in a dung heap, think twice before opening your mouth. 

***

A mafioso hired a deaf mute as his bookkeeper, thinking his money would be safe since the man never talked.  He was happy with the man's service until he double-checked the books one day and found he was $2 million short.  Furious, he had his goons bring the bookkeeper in for questioning along with his brother to translate. 

"You tell dis guy I wanna know where my two million bucks is at," the mafioso growled.

The brother turned to the bookkeeper and quickly translated the gangster's demand.  The bookkeeper looked astonished, and he quickly signed back, "I have no idea."  The brother turned to the mafioso.  "He said he doesn't know," the brother replied.

The gangster pulled a pistol from his coat pocket and put it against the bookkeeper's temple.  "You tell dis guy I wanna know where my two million bucks is at," he said.  "And if he don't tell me, I'm gonna blow his brains out right here after I have da boys work him over, see?  Now tell him." 

The brother signed the threat to the bookkeeper, who quickly and frantically replied in sign language, "I'm sorry!  It's in my closet at home in two suitcases!  A thousand pardons - I promise, it will never happen again!"

The brother looked at the bookkeeper and signed back, "Just to make sure, you say it's in the closet, right?  In the suitcases?"

The bookkeeper signed back, "Yes!  It's all there!  Just tell him!"

"What'd he say?" the mafioso asked, thumbing back the hammer on his pistol.

The brother looked back at him, "He says you're not man enough to pull the trigger!"