(Editor's Note: The following is based on actual conversations I have had with a number of friends but is a compilation rather than an actual transcript.)
"So, tell me," my friend said as he settled back on our sofa and raised a glass of Scotch. "Why have you been out of work for a year?"
I smiled. It was going to be a long discussion.
"Nobody's hiring," I told him. "Lots of places advertise that they have jobs to fill, but few are actually bringing people on board. Most are still in a freeze because they're unsure what a lot of the new health care and financial regulations are going to mean." I paused to take my own sip of Scotch. "And Congress going back and forth on whether to allow the last presidential administration's tax cuts to expire or to reinstate them only adds to the uncertainty and confusion."
My friend shook his head. "Aw, c'mon," he said. "There have to be jobs out there. Where have you been looking?"
I took another sip. I was going to need it. "Everywhere," I told him. "Federal government, private sector, local opportunities, those in other states - you name it."
"But wait," he said. "You live in the DC area. Isn't this supposed to be one of the hottest job markets in the country?"
"Yes," I told him. "
If you have prior federal experience or a security clearance."
"Well, that shouldn't be too hard for you," my friend said. "You're one of the most straight-arrow types I know."
"Doesn't matter," I countered. "A clearance can cost as much as $30,000. No company wants to invest that kind of money to clear someone, especially in an area like this one where there are so many people with clearances already looking for work."
"So, you're telling me that the only jobs that are out there with the government require security clearances?" my friend said doubtfully. "That doesn't make a whole lot of sense."
I took another sip. At this rate, I would need a refill soon. "No, they don't," I told him. "But the federal government is notoriously slow when it comes to processing people's applications. In fact, it can take up to six months for a lot of the paperwork to run through the normal channels. One of the women I've been talking with has been trying to help me land a position since July."
My friend coughed. "Since
July?" he said, sputtering his Scotch.
I nodded. "Yep. Since July."
My friend paused. "By the way," he said. "Nice Christmas tree."
"Thanks," I told him, pausing to refill his glass and mine.
"So, okay, forget the federal government then," he said. "What about the local jobs market?"
"All of that is tied to the federal government as well," I told him. "We call them 'Beltway Bandits.' Any company here that does any business at all is almost always tied to the federal government in one way or another. That means you have to have - "
"Wait, don't tell me," my friend said. "Prior federal experience?"
"Exactly," I told him.
My friend paused. "Well, what about the nonprofit sector?" he asked. "You used to work for a few of them. Couldn't you just go back there?"
I smiled wearily. "I suppose," I said. "But most nonprofits don't offer careers, only positions. You join one - and probably make a below-market salary, by the way - and the job you get is the job you'll have as long as you're there."
"Why is that?" my friend asked.
"Because they typically have small staffs of one or two hundred at the most," I told him. "Some of your larger ones will have more, but they pigeon-hole like all the rest. That's why you often see so much turnover in the nonprofit sector. People come in, they do the same job for a few years, and then they move on. There are some 'lifers' who do the same job for twenty or thirty years; but I can't imagine working like that with no potential for promotion or career development."
My friend took another sip of his Scotch. "Mm," he said. "That's good Scotch."
"It should be," I reminded him. "You bought it, remember?"
"Well, you are out of work."
"Don't remind me."
"Okay, so let's break this down. You can't find a federal job without waiting for six months, you don't want to go the nonprofit route because you don't want to make a substandard salary for some place that will never promote you, so what's left? Surely those 'Beltway Bandits' must have some non-federal positions?"
"Some do," I told him. "But almost all of them are IT-related. When I was getting my MBA, one of the recruiters they even had come and speak to our class told us that if you weren't in IT, there really wasn't a job market here in this area for you."
"And your background again is?"
"Marketing and communications," I told him. "But I did learning and development at my last job, so I've been focusing on that as well."
"Well, that shouldn't be too hard," my friend said. "Just find a company that's looking for L&D and target them."
I laughed. It was almost like we were talking different languages.
"Not that easy," I told him.
"Why not?" my friend asked. "You have a good resume. You've got experience. Surely, someone out there has to have a job somewhere."
I shook my head. "It's not like you think," I told him. "Most places are happy to interview - "
"Okay," my friend interrupted. "So, do we need to work on your interview skills?"
"- but they aren't hiring anyone at the moment," I finished.
My friend looked at me quizzically. "What do you mean? I was looking at Web sites before I came up here to visit you, and I saw dozens of job listings for different companies."
"Job listings are one thing," I said. "Actual jobs are quite another."
"What do you mean?" my friend asked.
"Oh, companies are happy to advertise and interview," I told him. "But just because you see a position listed on a company's site doesn't mean that it's hiring or that the position reflects an actual job."
"What are you saying?" my friend asked. "You're telling me a company would falsely advertise for a job that doesn't exist?"
"Mm, not necessarily falsely," I replied, watching the light twinkle in my Scotch glass. "It's not so much that they advertise for jobs that don't exist so much as they advertise for positions that they're not ready to fill just yet."
My friend shook his head. "I don't understand."
"Let me put it this way. Companies will always tell you that they're looking for key talent, right?" My friend nodded. "It's what helps them maintain a competitive edge, there is always some turnover some place, and you never know what might pop up, right?" My friend nodded again. "But a lot of times, companies go into hiring freezes, particularly at the end of the year - "
"Like now?" He nodded toward our tree.
"Like now," I replied.
"But don't they pull the positions down when they do that?" my friend asked.
I shook my head. "Too much effort to take something down and then put it back up," I told him. "Besides, many times those listings are left up after a position is filled because people haven't gotten around to taking it down."
"Wait a second," my friend said. "You're telling me companies leave positions up online even if they're in a freeze and even
after they've filled them?"
"All the time," I said.
My friend shook his head. "I don't understand. Why would a company waste time leaving something like that up if they're not going to fill it? They wouldn't want to waste their time talking to someone if a job's not going to be filled, that wouldn't make any sense!"
"Wrong again," I corrected him. "Companies will always say they're on the lookout for good talent, and they'll always be happy to interview you, sometimes two or three or even four or five times. But in the end, if they don't have a position that fits you, they just tell you at the end, 'Thanks, but no thanks'."
"Oh, c'mon," my friend said. "What company would waste time talking to a candidate and interviewing him once or twice - let alone more times than that - if they didn't have a position? Why would you p*ss off a candidate like that and waste staff time for something that you're not going to fill in the first place? What kind of company would do that?"
I listed three prominent consulting firms I had interviewed with over the past year.
"You mean to tell me," my friend said. "You've had interviews with all three of those firms, and in every case you were called back for multiple interviews but in the end there wasn't a position?"
"Yep," I told him. "In fact, I didn't even know what kind of position I was interviewing for when I spoke with them."
"WHAT?!?!"
"That's the way some of these big companies operate," I told him. "They bring you in for the interview because they want to see if you'd be a 'fit' for them, but they're not sure where they would place you or even if they
can place you, so they interview you and if you pass and there's a match, they bring you back. If not, they don't."
My friend took a long sip of his drink. "So, let me get this straight," he said. "You can't find a job with the federal government because you don't have a clearance, and even though you could get one, it costs too much to get you one - "
"Mm-hmm," I said.
"But you can't find a job because private companies that may or may not be hiring can't tell you whether or not they're not hiring; but even if they AREN'T hiring, they're still willing to waste your time and theirs interviewing you for jobs that they don't have. And even when they
do interview you, they can't even give you a description of the position that they have because, in reality, that job may or may not even exist? Do I have that right?"
"Yep," I said, sipping a bit more of my Scotch. "See why so many people are out of work for a long time? It's an impossible situation. You can't apply for jobs that don't exist, and the ones that appear to exist often don't, and even if they do, you still have to compete against internal candidates or other people in the market who may be more qualified - or, come to think of it, even those who are
less qualified but who might be willing to work for less money. And you have to do this over and over and over until you just happen to land in the right place at the right time."
My friend shook his head. "Unbelievable," he said.
"Oh, I wouldn't call it that," I said.
"What would you call it?"
"Well," I said. "Remember that word that describes doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results?"
