What I Learned from Classic Cinema: Blazing Saddles

(Editor's Note:  The last two posts have been "downers," so in the interest of reminding myself why I started this blog in the first place, we return once again to finding humor wherever possible in the job search.  See below.)

By far the most popular posts on this blog so far have been the "Animal House" and "Blues Brothers" postings from a couple of weeks back.  While I hadn't intended to start a pattern, friends soon began sending me suggestions of other films I should try to draw lessons from. Never one to refuse a challenge, I said, "Sure!  What would you like to see next?"  Well, here's the answer.  Saddle up and read on...

Remember, it takes time for people to get to know you.  Think back to when Sheriff Bart first met the townspeople of Rock Ridge.  Didn't go so well, did it?  And remember how it was only the little old lady who brought him a pie to show some appreciation?  And remember how she quickly compensated for her generosity by adding, "Now, you will, of course, be polite and not mention to anyone that I spoke with you?"  When you step into a new role, people need time to accept you and what you bring to the job. Be prepared for it to take a while. 

Always keep pressing forward and never let anything stand in your way.  Obstacles and impediments are always temporary delays, not permanent stops.  This applies even when some local yokel decides to put up a toll gate in the middle of the desert that you could simply ride around.

Every office has its Mongo.  Sure, he's probably not punching out horses in front of the local saloon, but you know what we mean.  In every office, there's someone everyone fears and who might as well ride an ox wherever s/he goes.  Make a friend of this person and your clout in the town will always go up. 

Always take notes.  Your first few weeks on a new job will be filled with things you'll want to remember.  Take a note pad and pen with you everywhere you go and make a point of recording as much as you can for future reference.  Think this is too detailed?  Well, if you don't do it, you run the risk of looking bad in front of your boss.  Just ask Slim Pickens.  (Okay, so Pickens reportedly was a bit thick in the skull and actually thought "Dr. Strangelove" was a drama instead of a comedy, according to Hollywood lore. But the point's still valid nonetheless.) 

Watch your diet.  Sure, it's easy when you're stressed to overdo it on the food, but have a limit.  Thirteen should be a good limit on weinerschnitzel, especially if you're dining with a burlesque dancer who looks like Madeline Kahn. 

Meetings may be a waste of time in most instances, but that's not to say they can't occasionally provide some amusement.  It's all in how you prepare.  

Always beware of any private sector job that requires a loyalty oath.  Just sayin'. 

Know how to end on a graceful note.  Look, we all loved this movie, but let's face it:  Brooks didn't know how to finish it.  The on-set pie fight and slapstick stuff was great fun, but it really left us all going, "Huh?"

Don't confuse people's names if you can possibly help it.  Confusing "Heddy" and "Headley" might get tedious after the fifth or sixth time.  Make those notes that we spoke about above. 
and perhaps most important -

Never, ever, under ANY circumstances, eat too many beans with your coworkers in the lunchroom.  Oh, you know this scene...

Nobody Likes a Stalker

(Note:  The following is an excerpt from an upcoming post I've been working on but am withholding until the interview process with the company is resolved.  Consider this the blogging equivalent of movie trailer.)

Nobody likes being stalked.  No, I'm not talking about the psychos that people take out restraining orders against, I'm talking about those ex's who just can't let go after the relationship ends.  You remember.  Things don't work out for whatever reason, but soon you find yourself hesitating to answer the phone or feel that prickly sense of dread whenever you're supposed to get together with mutual friends. Look, you find yourself thinking, can't you just take a hint so we can both move on? 

And when you start to feel as though you're that stalker when you're pursuing a job with a company, you can't help but wonder if it's time to move on - but at the same time, you can't bring yourself to give up all hope until you know for sure that the door is closed.  You - yes, you - become that crazy ex who can't give up. 

Don't believe me?  I started interviewing with a company back in July of this year.  By the end of this week, it will be October.  I've had not two or three interviews with them but five, and to make matters all the more frustrating, I was told on the phone two weeks ago that they were "in the process of moving forward with some kind of offer."  Since then?  Silence. 

So, what did I do?  Well, I wouldn't be a proactive job seeker if I didn't reach out to them to let them know I'm still interested, right?  Sure!  So, I dropped them a couple of e-mails to "reaffirm my interest" and to "confirm that I'm very interested in the position we discussed and would be happy to move forward."  Since then?  Well, let's just say the communication highway's been seeing its fair share of tumbleweeds. 

Which brings me right back to my stalker simile.  As an interested job seeker who wants to be seen as proactive and who perseveres, I'm obligated on one hand to make sure I don't let more than a week or two go by without following up to check in, see how things are going, find out if there is anything else I can forward or provide, etc. 

But on the other hand, I can't help but feel like that crazy ex who just can't take a hint after something doesn't work out.  At what point do I stop looking like an interested party and start coming across as somebody who's simply too desperate to take a hint?  Surely, if the company was interested in hiring me as an employee, they probably would have moved forward with some sort of offer after two or three interviews - let alone four or five - but now with more than 3-4 weeks since my last interview and phone conversation, do I keep pressing ahead or realize that this is in fact a lost cause?  (At what point will this particular boulder wind up rolling back down the hill?) 

Yes, these are the issues that confront the modern job seeker.  But having nothing really left to lose when you're already unemployed, I find myself doing what I think everyone does in these situations - I make notes on my calendar, and if no word is heard by a certain time, I suck it up, check my pride at the door, and make some kind of polite effort to follow up.  You never know when the job is simply playing hard to get.

But yeah, you do feel a bit strange continuing the pursuit.

How to Turn Off a Prospective Employee, Part III

Well, after Parts I and II, it was probably inevitable that people would start mentioning their own experiences, so I guess much like "The Godfather," Part III was inevitable (for better or worse).  Read on...

Drag the process out as long as possible.  Two or three interviews is never enough when you can schedule four or five over the telephone with any manager you can think of.  Who cares if this turns into two or three months of back and forth while the candidate waits for that fourth or fifth manager to come back from a two week vacation?  Their stress is not your problem!  (Especially if you don't really have an opening at this point to begin with and are only trying to keep your "finger on the pulse" right now!  But hey, don't tell THEM that!)  Better still -

Insist on a clearance even if the candidate tells you up front that s/he doesn't have one.  Admitting to a professional weakness area is obviously difficult enough, but you don't want to bruise anyone's sensitivities during those initial phone interviews.  Tell them it doesn't matter, that you have plenty of non-classified positions to offer, then reject him or her anyway after the face-to-face for not having the clearance that (snaps fingers) gosh, you really did need after all!  If that's not good enough, why, you can always -

Forget you scheduled that phone interview in the first place.  No, candidates don't mind that they spent several hours preparing to talk with you and cleared their schedules for the entire day only to have you tell your assistant or the recruiter that you need to reschedule when the candidate is on hold to talk with you that very moment.  They'll be forgiving - after all, they're the ones who need the job, so why not bask in the uneven playing field?   

What's that?  They're still trying to interview with you?  Wow.  Some folks just don't give up!  You may need to bring in the heavy guns.  Hey, here's a thought:

Be as condescending and unprofessional as possible.  When a candidate has to be let down about one position but indicates that she would still be willing to consider another job that actually might fit her background better - and even goes to the trouble of mentioning the position and why it would fit her better -show her your sensitive side by telling her point blank: "I'm sorry, we can't do anything about that.  We have a business to run."  Rest assured the candidate will speak lovingly about your corporate culture to everyone s/he meets at future networking events after polite remarks such as these!

And if you absolutely must do a face-to-face interview, be as brusque as possible.  This works especially well in case interviews.  Walk in and tell the candidate that even though you were scheduled for 45 minutes, you can only stay for 10.  Spell out the case in a rapid-fire sequence and make no eye contact. (Better still, watch the clock during the entire time.)  When the candidate asks thoughtful questions to engage you, wave your hand dismissively and say, "whatever" in response to every inquiry.  And to make sure you end on just that right note, forget to bring your own business cards and make absolutely no effort to shake hands when you leave.  That's the spirit!

Yes, if you follow these simple steps along with the others mentioned earlier, you'll be well on your way to doing the Marquis de Sade proud in your interpersonal skills.  Just cross your fingers that when you get laid off you're lucky enough not to come across anyone like yourself - or better still, any candidates you interviewed like this at one time...

The Sand - er, Salary Trap

Once upon a time, people gave a range of their salary expectations for the understandable reason of avoiding a specific number that would peg them as "too high" or "too low" on a company's planned pay scale.  Absent some behind-the-scenes intelligence that would give you a firm idea of what the firm was planning to pay for the position, you always wanted to err on the side of caution so as not to overplay your hand and be seen as too expensive OR inadvertently deny yourself a higher pay level to which you would otherwise be entitled.

What a difference a recession makes.

I cannot begin to count the number of contacts I've had lately who have been dumbing down their resumes in order to appear less qualified than they really are.  From salary expectations to professional qualifications, many job seekers have reached the point where they are so desperate for work that they're actually considering lower-level positions just so they can return to full-time employment. 

Here's the problem:  Companies don't want to hire people they see as over-qualified.  The reason?  Quite simple, really.  As soon as the economy picks up, the reasoning goes, those folks will jump ship and go elsewhere.  (Where exactly one goes when all other firms are thinking the same thing is a question still to be answered.)  Consequently, rather than a race to the top of the scale, many people seeking work - along with the companies they're targeting - seem to be in a race to the bottom to see what salaries can be offered that people will accept (on the company side) and what kinds of qualifications "best" meet those supposed needs (on the job seekers' side).

All of this doesn't really have much of a "funny side" to laugh about, but there is perhaps a bit of schadenfreude that comes with such circumstances.  The Wall Street Journal recently ran a letter to the editor from a college professor who had been teaching economic theory for more than two decades.  Full employment, she had always taught her students, would be reached once people who had been let go from one employer adjusted their salary demands to fit the paradigms of the new market reality.  In other words, so long as people kept looking for jobs that paid them what they were once paid before, they would be unemployed.  But once they lowered their salary expectations to reflect their current market value, they would find employment. 

The problem with this outlook is that what fits nicely in the halls of academia doesn't always work in the real world.  This same professor lamented the fact that she had been unable to lower her salary demands due to employers being reluctant to hire someone who had once been paid significantly more.  The reasoning?  You guessed it.  Once the market improved, employers argued, she'd be gone.  So now this professor - like the rest of us in the job search - basically found herself in the job market equivalent of the sand trap:  She couldn't ask for what she was making before, but she couldn't offer to accept something lower, either.  Much like the new job seeker looking to enter the job market but who can't until s/he gains some experience but who can't gain experience without first being hired, she now faced a perfect Catch-22. 

If companies want their employees to be honest, perhaps they could learn not to punish people for their past successes when they're looking for new work.  Who knows?  They might gain valuable employees with significant insight and experience without having to pay through the nose.

But only if they're willing to give people a chance...

Friday Funnies

A week with some leads and nibbles but no actual bites means we need some humor to start the weekend.  Enjoy!

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A police officer noticed a car swerving back and forth and pulled it over.  Walking up to the car, he was surprised to find his minister behind the wheel.  "Father," he asked.  "Have you been drinking?"  The priest glared at him.  "Of course not!" he replied.  "I've just been on my way to the church with this flask of holy water!"  The police officer looked at the flask and saw it was filled with wine.  "Father," he said gently.  "That's not water, it's wine."  The priest looked at the flask and then at the officer.  "My goodness!" he replied.  "He did it AGAIN!"

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A minister was driving down the road when the town drunk stumbled out into the road ahead of him.  Swerving wildly, the minister drove off the road and into a ditch.  Opening his door, he stepped out to survey the damage to his car.  "Are you - hic! - okay, father?" the town drunk asked.  "I'm fine," snapped the priest.  "For the Lord rides with me."  The drunk thought for a moment.  "Maybe He should drive instead of you!"

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A man raced into a bar and yelled to the bartender, "Quick!  Give me six shots of scotch and make it quick!"  The bartender obliged him, and asked what was so urgent.  "You'd be quick too if you had what I had," said the man as he began gulping down the shots.  "What's that?" the bartender asked.  "Two bucks!" said the man.  "See ya!"

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A common tale attributed to Winston Churchill has him supposedly hitting on a middle-aged woman who turns him down.  "Madam," Churchill intoned.  "If I were a multi-millionaire, would you accept my proposition?"  The woman glared at Churchill.  "My dear Winston," she replied.  "You aren't a millionaire!  And besides, just what kind of woman do you think I am?"  Churchill - again, according to the story - looked back at her and said, "Madam, I believe we've already established that.  Now, we're just haggling about the price..."

How Soon is "Too Soon" to Follow Up?

Of all the questions I've heard during my job search and networking, by far the most common is, "How soon should you follow up with someone after an interview if you haven't heard back?"  And to be honest, I've always thought that this was comparable to asking, "What's the right move to make in a chess game?" 

The answer is it depends on what your other player is doing. 

Yes, I know, this sounds like a cop-out, but the fact is there simply is no agreed standard with follow-ups.  To paraphrase that well-known comedy from the 1970s, "The world don't move / To the beat of just one drum / What might be right for you / May not be right for some."  (God speed, Gary!)

The point is, most interview prep books tell you anywhere from a week or two is probably "fair game."  But for the anxious job seeker who's been out of work for some time (cough! cough!), this can seem like an eternity.  In a sense, you're confronted with a classic catch-22:  If you follow up too quickly, you run the risk of alienating and disturbing the one person you don't want to offend during your search; but if you don't at least follow up to show your interest and enthusiasm, you run the risk of losing out to someone else who does.

My solution - and I'm still "pre-employed" as of this writing, so I'd suggest taking this with the proverbial grain of salt here - has always been to follow up within 24 hours of any interview; and then to put a "tickler" on my Outlook calendar for one week.  When that week expires, if I've not heard anything, I do a "weather check" and try to guess the level of interest, enthusiasm, and "genuine positivity" the interviewer demonstrated during our conversations.  (Yeah, it's a gray area.)  If they were excited, I drop a quick follow-up to "re-emphasize my interest" and then add a few extra lines about why I want the job.  If they were a bit more "cool-headed" and reserved, I might wait until the following week to drop much the same line, but that's generally as far as I let things go.  Letting something slide beyond two weeks means - to my mind, at least - running too great a risk that your candidacy gets lost in the shuffle or that the position gets "back-burnered" while more immediate concerns take precedent.  Your job as the job-seeker is to convey positive interest and enthusiasm at all times; and if the worst that can be said by a prospective employer was that you were "too enthusiastic about an opportunity," well, there are (hopefully) countless other places where enthusiasm and interest will be looked upon as benefits rather than hindrances.

Bottom line:  As always, go with your gut, but don't let too much grass grow before mowing that lawn.

Life Lessons from Classic Cinema Part II: The Blues Brothers

Running a joke into the ground is as America as apple pie (or "American Pie," to be exact).  To that end, we continue our look at lessons-to-be-drawn from classic American comedy films by featuring these job search tips from one Joliet Jake and Mr. Elwood Blues, the Bluuueeesssss Brothers!

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Never forget the importance of belief and faith.  You think Jake and Elwood would have made it half as far as they did if they didn't believe (and didn't tell everyone within earshot) that they were on that mission from God?  A little belief can go a long way, so just think what a lot might do.

Have a focused goal.  Granted, you're not likely to be out trying to save some orphanage from going under (and even less likely to be able to do so with five grand nowadays, come to think of it), but having a specific goal keeps you focused and helps you concentrate your efforts and resources. 

Never forget the importance of proper attire.  Dark suits and ties make for good, conservative dress.  The shades and hat? Probably not so much.  But then again, if Carrie Fisher's out there gunning for you, you may just need that special, magical protection when the building comes down.

Follow Aretha's advice and "Think!"  Failure to think and plan ahead all but guarantees you future cramps in your writing hand from filling out more job applications. Plan for your interviews and do a number of dry runs beforehand.  You'll be glad you did.

Have a strong diet.  Sure, you may have butterflies in your stomach the day of a big interview, and yes, they may make it difficult to eat; but astronauts don't lift off without their hearty breakfasts of steak and eggs, and neither should you.  Stress burns calories, so be sure to fuel up.  Four fried chickens and a Coke should do nicely. 

Keep some Jack Daniel's on hand.  Because let's face it:  even with faith, diet, preparation, and good attire, you're only going to get so far most of the time.  While I certainly wouldn't recommend keeping a bottle in the basement fuse box like Cab Calloway did, the fact is that sooner or later you're going to suffer the inevitable soul-crushing setback.  Have a good belt or two and then put the bottle away.  Not only do you not want this to become a habit, but you'll want to save some for the next time you're laid off...

Be like Matt "Guitar" Murphy and always keep your instrument handy.  So what if you can't play a note?  You'll look cool.

Look to leave your critics and detractors in the rear view mirror at all times.  You may not be likely to find yourself chased down the highway by Illinois Nazis and polyester-clad rednecks hell-bent on revenge, but treat your critics and blockers just the same and leave 'em in the dust.

Don't be afraid to be unconventional.  You think Jake and Elwood would have gotten Mr. Fabulous to leave his high-priced maitre'd gig at the four-star restaurant if they'd simply come in and acted like everyone else?  ("Five years?  Didn't you get five years?")  Sometimes you have to think outside the box to achieve your goals, even if your waiter is Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reubens.

And most important of all -

Never, under any circumstances, EVER underestimate the power of James Brown.  Sure, the man had his share of issues.  Anger management wasn't exactly a strong point for him, and "just say no" wasn't exactly a phrase he carried to heart. But put on "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" or anything else from one of the Godfather of Soul's greatest hits collections and see if you don't start feeling just a little bit better.  (And if you don't, well, seek help.  'Nuff said.)

Job Interview Tips I Learned from "Animal House"

What, you didn't think the all-time college party classic had some real-life lessons for the job search process?  It did, and they should be remembered.  Read on.

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Remember, you're always on double-secret probation.  That's right.  From the time you walk in the door for that first interview to the day you're hired and start that stressful first day, consider yourself to be on the equivalent of some self-important dean's hit list.  Everything you do, say, and think will be analyzed and scrutinized for any sign of weakness.  Keep that guard up.

No matter how well you prepare and dress, sometimes you just won't make the cut.  Remember the scene at the beginning where Pinto and Flounder show up at the Omega rush party and get escorted to the losers' couch as soon as they walk in the door?  Many of your job interviews are going to be just like this experience.  No, you can't prepare for it; and no, there's probably not a lot you can do to avoid it, but just be prepared for it. 

When you realize you don't fit in, accept it and move on.  Remember when Boone yelled, "Otis!  My man!" at the bar and got...stared...at?  If you realize the environment isn't right for you, trust your instincts and keep pushing ahead elsewhere.  Trying too hard only makes you stand out all the more.

"No prisoners!"  This should be your mantra going into any interview.  Granted, you may want to rethink shouting it from convenience store rooftops during a riot, but keep it in mind nonetheless.

Always have a support group backing you up.  Sure, you're probably not going to be facing down a determined dean looking to oust you and your buddies at this stage in your life, but when the chips are down & you're in the hot seat, having some friends who can hum, "Battle Hymn of the Republic" and join you in walking out can at least make you feel a lot better as your fate is sealed. 

"They're gonna nail [you] no matter what [you] do, so [you] might as well have a little fun!"  How many times have you meticulously prepared for that promising interview only to have the job canceled after someone higher up decided to 'go in a different direction'?"  Made it to the final round of a promising series of interviews only to learn that the position was designed to be filled from within at the very start?  Been laid off and told your "skills no longer suit our new paradigm" when you knew it was because some twenty-something could be brought in and paid twenty thousand dollars less than you were earning?  No matter how much you prepare and try, sooner or later Fate will decide it's your turn to take one for the collective team, so try to have as much fun as you can along the way, alright? 

Never trust your college professors.  By this point, they're probably not seducing your girlfriend like Donald Sutherland, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't question them and everything they taught you.  Remember all those economics classes where you were told full employment could be reached if people who were laid off simply dropped their salary demands to meet what the job market was willing to offer?  That was advice from someone who probably spent two or three decades in the classroom, not the business world.  Academic models seldom work anywhere near as well in the real world as they do on the chalkboard.  Don't believe it?  Ask any derivatives trader.  (There's one over there.  No, not the guy sailing on the yacht, the guy who's mopping it.  Yeah, that's him.)

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."  Look, just try to limit it to two out of three here, okay? 

Avoid self-important artsy wannabes who insist on singing annoying songs in stairwells.  Okay, this doesn't really have much to do with job interviews, but hey, it's still good advice.

Never, ever, EVER give up.  Hey, it wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, was it?

Friday Funnies

It's often been said we all use humor as a defense mechanism.  "If we don't laugh, we'll cry," has long-since become a mantra for anyone struggling with difficult circumstances.  To that end, we reserve Fridays for humor postings (and let's just say after this week, well, they're needed).  Enjoy!

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"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people He gives it to."

- Dorothy Parker

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An optimist is someone who feels this is the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist knows it.

- Anonymous

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Two men are hunting and one accidentally shoots the other.  Frantically, his buddy pulls him to the pickup truck and drives into town.  Arriving at the hospital, the paramedic begins his examination.  "Is he gonna live?" asks his friend.  "Hard to say," says the paramedic. "His chances would be better if you hadn't gutted him first..."

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Fact:  The importance of a meeting is inversely proportional to the number of people attending it.

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And finally, from the it's-only-funny-because-it's-probably-already-happened-to-somebody file:

A man waiting for his flight feels an urgent call of nature.  Rushing to the men's room, he enters the nearest stall and sits down.  Almost immediately, he hears a voice from the next stall.  "Do you have any papers?" The man shifts uncomfortably and pretends he did not hear.  "Papers!  I need papers!" the voice intones again.  The man looks at the roll left in his stall.  "I can share a few squares," he says meekly.  "No, I need papers!  Now!" the voice shouts.  "Well, okay, hang on a sec..." the man says.  "Hold on," the voice from the other stall says. "I gotta hang up, some jerk in the next stall is talking to me..."

Candidate Rejections vs. Company Rejections: A Study in Contrast

Suppose you interview with a firm, make it through several rounds of screenings and discussions, and ultimately receive an offer.  After some difficult decision making, you conclude that while there is a lot that the position and company have to offer, for various reasons it's just not the right position for you.  How would you let the employer know? 

Most likely, you would do the professional thing and contact the employer directly.  You would thank them for the opportunity, mention how much you enjoyed talking with everyone, but that for various reasons - some of which you might relate, others which you might not - you felt it was necessary to decline the position.  That would be the professional approach. 

BUT if you're an employer and you have two finalists for a position, you apparently might consider it professional to let the runner-up learn his/her fate through an automated response like this one: 


From: "xxx.yyyyyy@zzzz.com"
To: yourname@yahoo.com
Sent: Thu, September 9, 2010 3:31:12 PM
Subject: Update on resume submittal for Program Manager

This is an automatic notification sent to inform you that your status in our database has changed for the following position: Program Manager.

On behalf of all of us at [COMPANY], thank you for the interest that you expressed in our Program Manager position.  Upon careful consideration, although your qualifications are excellent, they do not fully match our needs for this particular position. I am confident, however, that you will be a valuable addition to any company who can put your talents and professionalism to work for them. We will keep your resume on file for future reference.

Thanks again for your interest and the time you spent with us.


In case you're wondering, the above is an actual rejection I received this week after being considered a finalist for a position. (And yes, the former example was how I declined a position I received an offer for.) I spoke with four people at the second company, including a vice-president, and even had a face-to-face meeting with a senior office holder in my area.  I presented not only a resume but a slide deck outlining how my skills and abilities matched the qualifications for the position, a one-page summary of my achievements that related to the type of work the company did, and even completed writing and editing tests to show my abilities.  At each level, I made a point of saying how interested I was in the opportunity and how happy I would be to move ahead with the process.  One would think after so much honest effort that the company, if it decided to go with another candidate for whatever reason(s), would at least have had the courtesy to call and tell me the decision (or at least perhaps send some kind of personalized correspondence) vs. letting me "discover" I had been passed over via an automatically generated message more suitable for initial applicant denials rather than finalists. 

But that, apparently, would be a mistaken perception.

Now, to be fair, the company's officials apologized profusely for the way I was advised of their decision.  (One fellow even assured me it was improper and that he was "escalating" the issue to ensure it would not be repeated.)  But I have to confess that, once again, I found it disheartening not so much that I was turned down for yet another position (although that certainly was depressing) but that the level of professionalism, commitment, and respect I showed a potential employer was once again not reciprocated.  Instead, I got yet another lesson about why it is so difficult to be polite and take the high road during the job search when so many around you seem all too ready to go low.

In a sense, it bears repeating once again:  If companies want to complain about the lack of professionalism in their applicant pools, they might do well to examine how they treat their candidates.  The results might be as surprising as they are enlightening.

The Importance of Chemistry

Admittedly, the "purpose" behind this blog is to take a humorous look - or whatever might pass for one - at the job search process, something which by definition is usually anything but hilarious.  But just as the perpetual comedian eventually grates on people's nerves in much the same way a constant curmudgeon makes them long for a smidgen of levity, I find myself occasionally trying to share insight and understanding in addition to the occasional joke or two.  And with tomorrow being Friday, a day I set aside for posting a few jokes to celebrate the end of the week, I've decided to devote today's entry to something a bit more serious but difficult to address when it comes to job seeking.

Chemistry.

No, despite the obligatory picture posted with this entry, I'm not talking about Bunsen burners and Erlenmeyer flasks; rather, I'm talking about that esoteric and oh-so-difficult concept that guides every job seeker (and job offerer):  Can I really work with this person?  Sure, you may have all the necessary qualifications and an Ivy League pedigree, but are you a jerk?  Does your sense of humor match the hiring manager's?  Does the hiring manager even HAVE a sense of humor?  Just as probably seventy-five to ninety percent of our communication is nonverbal (no, that's not a scientific statistic; this is a blog, not an academic journal), most if not nearly all of a job interview is about finding that particular personality match that makes you both think, "Yes!  This is someone who GETS IT!" 

Want to work for a nonprofit that's dedicated to a particular social or environmental cause?  Better make sure you're a Democrat or you're probably going to develop an ulcer from forcibly gritting your teeth during one too many bleeding heart conversations.  Want to get a job at DoD?  Good luck passing the "smell test" if you thought Howard Dean was too right-wing. 

The point is, people may say they want someone who can simply "do the job," but the unspoken reality is that more often than not what they really want is someone who is a mirror image of themselves.  Diversity pledges only go so far in most companies; which is why in most instances you'll see people in a particular department mirroring the supervisor in age, gender, ethnicity, political outlook, and general disposition.  Even the Washington Post's ombudsman has decried the tendency of liberal editors to hire other liberally-minded journalists, thus creating an environment that is anything but politically diverse.  People want to work and associate with others who view the world similarly to the way that they do; this makes their working environments more enjoyable, less stressful, and also helps feed the very basic and human need for coexistence and peaceful interaction.  Hiring someone diametrically opposed to your own viewpoints breeds conflict; creates disharmony, and elevates stress.  With so much unpleasantness going on all around us every day, most people understandably seek to minimize the potential for such disruption in their daily lives and look for people they can simply get along with rather than those who might fit this or that particular qualification on the job description.

Which brings me back to the job I turned down this week.  As I mentioned in yesterday's entry, "Knowing When to Say No," there were multiple reasons the position made me uncomfortable.  The local area did not fit what my wife and I envision as the quality of life we want to lead, the turnover behind the opening concerned me, as did some of the interactions I had with the staff over why I could or could not talk the sole remaining person in the unit.  But I would be remiss if I did not add the fact that the woman who would have been my supervisor mentioned something in passing that raised a red flag with me. 

"We have a personality test we may ask you to take," she said toward the end of our conversation.  "It's not a make-or-break by any means."  Then she laughingly said, "I scored high in being anti-social!"  I glanced down at the page, and without really having more than a few moments to grasp the graphic display, I saw a strong red line running all across one particular row. 

If you're a fan of the television show, "Scrubs," you know that whenever a character is confronted with a particular challenge or situation, the scene cuts away to an imagined exaggeration to enhance the comic effect.  In this case, I was immediately transported to the bridge of the starship Enterprise as the alarm klaxon blared, "Red alert!  Red alert! Rrrrrrrrhhhh!"  In a different time, I might have been transported to a WWII movie as the sub captain blared, "Dive!  Dive!  Dive!" while alarms screeched, "Awhooooga!  Awhooga!" 

THIS was the person I would be working for?  The person who would be selecting the rest of the department I would be working alongside?  If twenty years in the workforce taught me anything - a subject that would perhaps fill several other blog columns and none definitively, I admit - it was that she was more likely than not going to hire for personal fit in addition to expertise.  That would mean an entire department of like-minded individuals who were - perhaps even by their own proud admission - "anti-social."  For this I'm supposed to relocate halfway across the country??? I thought.  I'm going to come work for someone who proudly admits to being anti-social and who will probably hire others just the same? 

Maybe I read more into it than she intended, but taken on top of the other warning signs I saw, I knew almost instantly that there was no way I could step into this role that she had for me.  Thinking ahead, my only thought was how I would within six months be sitting alone at my cubicle with no one to talk with and no one I could relate to.  Countless studies have shown that people who feel connected to their workplace and who have "office buddies" that they can grab lunch or coffee with, socialize and interact with on occasion, or even just "bond" with at different events are happier with their jobs and more productive as a result.  Moving into this position, I felt, would be a short-term solution for my job hunt but a long-term concern, especially if it was made on top of a relocation to a new city where I knew almost no one. 

So, what did I do in the end?  I turned down the position because I saw too many warning signs that it would simply not be a good match.  It was anything but an easy decision, and to some extent it obviously still gnaws at me somewhat since I liked the person offering it to me and had worked well with her in the past.  On top of all that, it was a job I felt I was qualified for and might have been able to do.

But in the end, I had to remember the importance of chemistry.

Knowing When to Say No...

Imagine you're marooned on a desert island.  You spend months and months scraping a living and barely hanging on.  Suddenly, out of the blue, someone magically appears and offers you a glass of something that, at first glance, appears cool and refreshing - but upon closer look, you notice things that make it appear dangerous and which concern you.  Do you drink?

This is the dilemma that faces every job seeker.  Months and months are spent searching, networking, and pounding endless pavements simply to land leads, let alone interviews.  After multiple interviews, there are the callbacks, follow-ups, and countless heartbreaks over positions that were seemingly in your grasp but which...disappeared at the last moment.  Then, miraculously, you get handed an opportunity that includes salary, relocation, and a chance to work alongside someone you know and respect. 

I faced just this scenario this week, and turning it down was one of the most difficult things I've done in my job search.

For obvious reasons, I can't mention the company or my friend who put my name in the running for the job, but suffice it to say she is someone I respect tremendously and her firm had a stellar reputation.  She was able not only to get me interviews but also to raise the salary from its initial range AND include a relo package where there had not been one before.

So, why and how could I possibly turn this down?  What could be so terrible that I would decline a solid offer in a particularly brutal job market from a friend who was trying to help?

Because I've learned the hard way what can happen when I don't follow the advice of every job coach:  "Trust your gut."  Lord knows it's possible to talk yourself into any position when you're unemployed, but the ultimate goal is not so much to find a job so much as it is the right job.  (Yes, even in an economy like this one.)

So, why did I turn this down?  There were multiple reasons, really.  The surrounding area I saw during my visit didn't really offer the quality of life my wife and I are looking for, the relo carried obvious risks, we knew almost no one in the city where we would be moving (a fact that would make things difficult if the job did not work out for any reason), and there were additional issues. 

But the biggest reason involved something that had less to do with the job and the firm so much as it did from previous experiences I had had with taking jobs that opened up as a result of housecleaning.  This particular opening came about because the entire department had turned over.  One person had resigned, another two had been let go, and the fourth and sole remaining member of the team was someone I was not introduced to or permitted to speak with during my visit.  When I inquired about talking with him - an awkward experience since no one seemed to want to mention this fellow's name to me initially - I was told he was "unavailable."  When I politely pressed to see if I could speak with him any time during the following week, I was told, "Oh, he's going to be at a conference and will be out of pocket all next week." 

Bingo.  That told me something was seriously wrong with this picture. 

To be fair, the company did eventually "relent" and offer to make some sort of arrangement for me to talk with this fellow as part of the consideration process, but to be honest, the damage was done by this point.  If I wasn't meeting with this individual as part of my interview process - and if he wasn't even being named during my interviews - then I could only conclude that his time was limited as well & that he, too, would either soon be gone or would have less-than-pleasant things to say.  Neither of these scenarios pointed to anything positive.  Moreover, if he left, that meant 100% of the department would be turning over; and that was a serious red flag on top of an already questionable situation.  Being told I couldn't speak with him for reasons that failed to pass the "smell test" told me something as well.  (Tell me the last time YOU went to a conference and were told you couldn't check messages or follow up with people while you were out of pocket.  No, seriously.  Go ahead.  I'll wait...)  If I was not being allowed to talk with certain people I would be working with and wasn't being given clear and honest reasons why, there was no way I could accept the position and relocate halfway across the country to accept what sounded like an increasingly questionable opportunity. 

So I turned it down.  And in the process, I may have unfortunately burned a bridge with my friend who put my name forward for the position and who clearly pulled some strings to get me this opportunity.  That bothered me - in fact, it still does.  If she reads this, I hope she knows just how much I honestly appreciated all she did - but in the end, I had to do what is so often difficult for frustrated job seekers.  I had to turn something down so I could hopefully find something else.

And in today's job market, that is anything but easy.
 

Friday Funnies

Sales people took a good ribbing last week, so I figured it was only fair to share the joy with another profession.  Enjoy the weekend!

*****

What's the difference between engineers and architects?
Engineers build weapons; architects build targets.

*****

Is a glass half-empty or half-full?
Pessimist:  "Half-empty."
Optimist:  "Half-full."
Engineer:  "Empty or full is irrelevant; the glass is simply twice as large as it needs to be."

*****

A mathematecian, a physicist, and a statistician are asked a simple question, "What is two plus two?"  The mathematcian scribbles the equation on the chalkboard to make sure there are no tricks and replies simply, "Two."  Not to be outdone, the physicist pulls out a pocket calculator and begins typing frantically.  After several minutes, he looks up, "In nearly every conceivable instance, two plus two will equal four."  The statistician looks at them both and shakes his head.  Pulling the questioner aside, he whispers to him, "Tell me how much you want it to be..."

******

The container can accommodate approximately 60-62 units, with varying degrees of additional or excess capacity depending on the given variables.
Mathematics major

An examination of the construction methodology leads me to conclude that in most instances, the container is fully capable of accommodating 60-63 units given the stress levels associated with the manufacturing and the given variables for mass.  Additional research should be made to ensure greater accuracy of all estimates, however.
Engineering major

Do you want fries with that?
English major.