Friday Funnies

As always, when it's time to wind down the week after some prospecting, it's best to do it with humor.  Enjoy!

***

A management consultant with a passion for hot-air ballooning finds himself blown off course and drifting helplessly over the countryside.  Spotting a bird watcher below, he calls down, "Excuse me, can you please tell me where I am?"

The bird watcher adjusts his binoculars, looks up at the man, and says, "Well, it looks to me like you're in a hot air balloon, fifty feet up, and drifting west."

The management consultant frowns.  "You must be an engineer," he tells the man.

"As a matter of fact, I am," the man replies.  "How did you know?"

"Because you gave me a lot of information that's technically correct but which really doesn't help me any."

The birdwatcher/engineer smiled.  "You must be a manager," he tells the balloonist.

"Yes, I am," says the man.  "How did you know?"

"Well," says the bird watcher.  "You need my help, I've told you everything I know, I'm doing my best to help you, and you're still not satisfied; but now it's somehow MY FAULT."

***

A lazy sparrow put off flying south for the winter until it was nearly too late.  Finally taking to the air, he quickly flew into an ice storm.  Gradually, the ice began to coat his wings, and the sparrow found he was too heavy to continue flying and fell to earth.  To make matters worse, shortly after he landed a cow passed by and decided to poop all over the sparrow as he lay in the field.

"Great," said the sparrow.  "This is just perfect."

However, the warm manure quickly began to melt the ice on the sparrow's wings.  In a short time, he found he could flap them again, and he felt so good that he began to sing.  Unfortunately, the singing attracted a nearby cat, who followed the sound, cleared away the poo, and quickly ate the little sparrow.

Morals:
1.  Not everyone who dumps on you is your enemy.
2.  Not everyone who gets you out of a stinky situation is your friend.
3.  And if you're warm and happy in a dung heap, think twice before opening your mouth. 

***

A mafioso hired a deaf mute as his bookkeeper, thinking his money would be safe since the man never talked.  He was happy with the man's service until he double-checked the books one day and found he was $2 million short.  Furious, he had his goons bring the bookkeeper in for questioning along with his brother to translate. 

"You tell dis guy I wanna know where my two million bucks is at," the mafioso growled.

The brother turned to the bookkeeper and quickly translated the gangster's demand.  The bookkeeper looked astonished, and he quickly signed back, "I have no idea."  The brother turned to the mafioso.  "He said he doesn't know," the brother replied.

The gangster pulled a pistol from his coat pocket and put it against the bookkeeper's temple.  "You tell dis guy I wanna know where my two million bucks is at," he said.  "And if he don't tell me, I'm gonna blow his brains out right here after I have da boys work him over, see?  Now tell him." 

The brother signed the threat to the bookkeeper, who quickly and frantically replied in sign language, "I'm sorry!  It's in my closet at home in two suitcases!  A thousand pardons - I promise, it will never happen again!"

The brother looked at the bookkeeper and signed back, "Just to make sure, you say it's in the closet, right?  In the suitcases?"

The bookkeeper signed back, "Yes!  It's all there!  Just tell him!"

"What'd he say?" the mafioso asked, thumbing back the hammer on his pistol.

The brother looked back at him, "He says you're not man enough to pull the trigger!"

Pre-Friday Funny: The Job

This made the rounds last year but was worth sharing again for those who may not have seen it.  Suffice it to say it's a lot like "Dilbert" in the sense that you're not sure whether to laugh or cry because, well, the truth is sometimes as painful as it is funny...

The Job.

What I Learned from Classic TV: Star Trek

After drawing life lessons from classic cinema (Animal House, Blues Brothers, Blazing Saddles), I thought I'd give classic TV a shot.  (What can I say, the requests keep coming...)  To that end, we devote today's entry to discussing what the crew of the starship Enterprise taught us about the workplace of the future.  Enjoy!

***

In the future, everybody will speak English.  Yes, this applies not only to all the nationalities here on Earth but also to distant alien races on the far side of the galaxy.  Didn't know that, did you?  (Side note:  On a related tangent, I always wondered why Charlie Heston couldn't figure out he was back on Earth in the original "Planet of the Apes" movie.  You'd think the fact that the gorillas and chimps both spoke perfect English might have given him some clue long before that famous Statue of Liberty shot at the end...)

In the future, your coworkers will be reliable and trustworthy.  I think it was Scott Adams of "Dilbert" fame who pointed out - correctly, I think - that people in the future will have to be much more worthy of your trust than your current coworkers for the following reason:  These people will be responsible for sending your molecules across time and space and reassembling them in their original form via the transporter.  Bear in mind, these are the same people who can't be relied on to refill the copy machine when it runs out of paper, wash out the coffee urn, or complete the simple parts of an assigned project.  Yet in the future, you will be able to literally trust them with your very life.  Amazing!

Never, under ANY circumstances, go to a job interview in a red shirt.  And if, God forbid, you actually make this critical mistake, never let your boss refer to you simply by your last name ("Johnson" or "Williams").  If you do, then it's all but guaranteed that when the malevolent alien life form arrives, you're going to be the first casualty.  Call it "Rule of the Cast Regulars," which you can usually find under "Ratings Preservation" in your textbook...

Diversity will be the norm, but some things may not change that much.  Face it, whatever else you might want to say about Gene Rodenberry, the man WAS a visionary.  The crew of the Enterprise was the most diverse of its time - in fact, you had more minorities on the starship bridge than you did on the cast of Friends or Seinfeld thirty years later.  In the future, diversity won't be official policy because it will simply be natural.  That said, however, white males will apparently still occupy the captain's seat...

In the future, things will keep changing even if they worked fine the first go-round.  Ever look at the Klingons in the original show?  Then see Worf on "Next Generation" or any of the movies and wonder, "Hey, since when did the Klingons get those wild craniums?"  Apparently, makeup artists just couldn't leave well enough alone, so the space bikers of the future got a makeover sometime between the show and the sequels.  Much like you were probably happier with XP before Vista, expect things to change for nothing but the sake of change, even in the future.

And on a deeply personal note -

In the future, you will need to guard copyright much more closely.  Why?  Well, back in the early days of the Internet, a friend sent me the now-famous list of "100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard."  Being a bit more of a Picard fan than Shatner fan, I laughed, went home, and typed up a similar list entitled, "101 Reasons Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk."  (Ed. note:  Why, yes, I was single at the time.  Why do you ask?)  I sent it back to him, and suffice it to say that more than a decade later, both lists are now all over the Internet.  If I'd only thought to copyright it first, I might not need to be job searching now...

Can You RAP Like a STAR?

Attend almost any networking event, and you'll sooner or later hear the same strategy when it comes to answering interview questions.  "You need to follow the STAR method:  Situation - Task - Action - Result."  Others use the SAR method, which is the same without the "Task" action.  Still others use "PAR" for "Problem - Action - Result." 

But whatever it's called, each method aims to accomplish the same objective:  To use a structured format for relating an experience that outlines how you addressed and solved a particular problem.

Recently, however, this approach has been turned upside down, and prospective job seekers are now expected to learn how to RAP. 

You read that right; but it's not what you think.  Prospective employers - the ones that are actually looking to hire as opposed to some of the others we've examined on this blog - have now seen and heard so many formulaic stories along the traditional S-T-A-R / S-A-R / P-A-R format that to distinguish yourself, you need to invert the process. 

In other words, rather than follow the standard 1-2-3 process, some recruiters and job placement experts are recommending you "flip" the P-A-R process and instead use R-A-P:  Tell them the RESULT, then tell them the ACTION that you took, and then indicate the PROBLEM that it solved.  In a time-conscious society, this helps you get right to the result and then provide the necessary background to explain.  It also helps you catch the interviewer's attention more quickly.

A brief illustration might help clarify.  Here's the traditional approach:

Interviewer:  "Tell me about a problem you faced and how you overcame it."

Candidate:  "We had a problem at my last job with controlling our costs.  Basically, we were losing money.  I formed a project team to evaluate every stage of our supply chain process and identify areas of redundancy or where we were spending more than we needed.  After that, I compiled the recommendations into a single plan for our senior management and submitted the proposal.  As a result, we saved nearly $100,000 in just three months by eliminating wasteful and unnecessary practices." 

Now the RAP approach:

Interviewer:  "Tell me a little about yourself."

Candidate:  "Let me tell you how I saved my last company $100,000.  I felt we were spending more than we needed to in several areas, so I formed a project team to examine our supply chain process and identify redundant or unnecessary areas.  As a result, we not only saved a good deal of money, but I helped eliminate a lot of waste that was clogging our operational efforts."

In this newer method, you lead with your best shot to capture the interviewer's attention, and then expand on your answer to provide the necessary detail.  As a result, you've not only followed the traditional 3-stage process for answering the question, but you've done so in a way that highlights your skills and abilities to achieve results. 

And if/when you're successful in landing that job someday?  You'll have something to tell your friends at the next cocktail party when they ask you how you did it. 

"I learned how to RAP."

The New 99

Remember "Get Smart" in the '60s?  Me neither, since I grew up with it on reruns; but I remember watching Don Adams and Barbara Feldon fight the nefarious agents of KAOS in half-hour installments of slapstick hilarity every afternoon.  And Hollywood, always happy to recycle old ideas for the sake of both nostalgia and the DVD rental market brought it back recently with Steve Carrell as the buffoonish Smart and Anne Hathaway (see photo) as the long-legged Agent 99.

But apparently there is now another meaning of that double-niner identity.

According to no less a source than 60 Minutes, the term "ninety-niners" now refers to the increasing numbers of people who have exhausted their unemployment benefits but who have still not been able to find work.  Even more surprising, many of them not only have college degrees, they often have masters and PhDs as well.  Some highlights (lowlights?) of the most recent episode which featured discussions with many LTUs (long-term unemployed) include:

• At least 1.5 million Americans have exhausted their unemployment benefits but still can't find jobs
• Twenty percent of the unemployed have at least one college degree
• Unemployment is officially 9.7% at this time; however, if people whose jobs have been cut back to part-time are included along with those who have simply given up the job search completely, the number is actually 17%
• Some food banks are seeing requests for assistance reach levels that are eight times what they were a decade ago

Taken together, these numbers point to a grim picture that will probably not be brightening all that much in the near future.  What's most frustrating is the fact that most of these people have probably been pounding the pavement nonstop since they were let go but have now fallen - through no fault of their own - into the designation of being long-term unemployed, a term that rightly or wrongly carries a certain stigma.  ("There must be something wrong with him or her if they've been out of work this long.  Probably too proud to take a lower-paying job or maybe has some kind of personality issue.")  In other words, simply being out of work for an extended period impedes one's ability to find and land a job.  And the longer one is unemployed...

To view the 60 Minutes piece, click here.  But keep the Kleenex handy.



Long Term Unemployment Leads to Global Warming!

It's official:  Unemployment leads to climate change. 

How do I know this?  Because I have undeniable proof.  In fact, it came to me completely unsolicited with last Friday's mail. 

A number of months ago, I applied to two organizations - one was a college, the other a professional society.  Although neither led to my landing a job, my application apparently DID get me on - wait for it - their respective mailing lists!  Since I never had any contact with either organization prior to my applications, I can only conclude that both envelopes - which naturally contained the obligatory marketing collateral - came to me because of my application for employment.

In other words, simply by applying for work, I somehow wound up on these organizations' mailing lists and am now being targeted by their marketing departments. 

Now, here's where it gets frightening.  Over the past year, I've probably applied to well over four or five hundred different organizations.  (Note:  This is an estimation, not a scientific qualification.  Suffice it to say no matter how many that actual number really is, it feels like far more.)  Now, assuming only 10% of those companies follow this same practice and put me on their mailing lists, I can expect between 40 and 50 more promotional mailings to begin clogging my mailbox over the next year or so.  What this spells out can probably be best summarized with the following proof:

1.  Applying to jobs gets you put on more promotional mailing lists.
2.  More mailing lists mean more junk mail
3.  Junk mail consumes paper (envelopes, brochures, correspondence, etc.)
4.  Paper comes from trees.
5.  Trees combat climate change by consuming carbon dioxide
6.  More mail = more paper = more trees = more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere
7.  More carbon dioxide = more greenhouse gases = global warming

Cutting out steps 2-6 and you get the following:

Applying for jobs = global warming

So, leaving aside the sinister possibility that some organizations simply advertise positions not because they seek to hire but simply because they find it an inexpensive way to expand their outreach lists, this means that as long as corporations refuse to hire qualified workers, they are indirectly contributing to climate change. 

Think about that for your next interview.

Friday Funnies

Well, it's Friday once again; and while we normally post jokes, puns, and the occasional work-related humor, once in a while the well runs dry.  When that happens, we improvise.  And if this video clip doesn't bring a smile to your face, seek help. 

Enjoy!

The De-Motivational Job Search Speaker

A de-motivational speaker is someone who does exactly what his title suggests:  Rather than inspire, he deflates.  From Scott Adams's "Dilbert" characters to Chris Farley's hilarious "SNL" failure-in-life Matt Foley (who is "three-times divorced and lives in a van...down by the river..."), such figures are comical in abstract conception and anything but amusing when actually encountered.

I heard one just last week.

Now, first some requisite clarification and honesty:  The gentleman was sincere in his efforts to help those out of work, and he clearly was an expert in his field, so comparing him to Farley (or Foley) is admittedly unfair.  He also was far more grounded than any "Dilbert" character, and I actually liked his presentation for the most part.  The only problem stemmed from his failure at the first rule of any presentation:  He didn't know his audience.

I won't disclose the man's name or the session I attended, but suffice it to say it was a local networking event that was designed to help people learn more about landing jobs with the federal government.  His presentation was well thought out, well delivered, and actually contained more than a few nuggets of useful information.  In that sense, his session was rewarding. 

What bothered me was the fact that the man was speaking to us about how to land a federal position when he himself had been with the government for nearly a decade and had transferred to a government job after retiring from the military. 

Do not misunderstand me here.  The fellow was a veteran who was - and is - clearly entitled to rewards in exchange for his sacrifices and service. No one I know - or would care to be associated with, for that matter - would seek to deny him the benefits to which he is clearly entitled (and priority consideration for employment should certainly qualify). 

But here's the problem:  For this fellow to be telling a room full of civilians how to land a federal job when his status as a veteran undoubtedly helped him with his transition does next to nothing to help people without that background achieve the same goal.  Put another way, if we aren't veterans and don't hold the requisite clearances as part of our background, then moving from a civilian position into a federal one will be anything but as easy or smooth as it was for him. 

The instructor told us - and I'm paraphrasing his words here - that his transition from soldier to government employee "took several months of weathering the application process."  I can name several acquaintances off the top of my head who have tried to land jobs with the government or with federal contractors for years but who were never able to make the jump because they weren't veterans and lacked prior security clearances.  In a sense, the clearance is much like the proverbial Catch-22 recent graduates face when it comes to experience:  You can't a job without it, but you can't get it until you get a job.  Looking back, the instructor's presentation reminded me of Steve Martin's famous "How to Live Like a Millionaire" routine where he starts by telling the audience, "First, go get a million dollars." 

A suggestion?  If you're ever presenting to any group, make a point of knowing the perspective of your audience.  Speaking to a group of civilians if you're a military veteran about your transition to federal employment is a lot like having a senior executive discuss the importance of quality with front-line employees - whose paychecks may be significantly smaller - by mentioning what it's like to shop at Nordstrom or Whole Foods. (Side note:  I actually heard a senior vice president use this very example under just these conditions.  Suffice it to say his talk probably did more harm than good in terms of inspiring people to focus on quality work...) You'll lose your audience from the word "go." 

And unlike a fictitious speaker living in a van down by the river, chances are your audience won't find much to laugh about.

George Costanza as a Role Model? Think About It...

One of the most popular episodes of the TV show "Seinfeld" has perpetual loser George Costanza concluding that, because his life is in shambles, the only logical course of action is to begin doing the "complete opposite" of everything he normally does.  The episode includes a number of hilarious incidents where he challenges street punks to fight in a movie theatre, turns down an offer of sex on a first date, and openly criticizes George Steinbrenner to his face during an interview with New York Yankees.

Believe it or not, he may have been on to something.

No, I'm not advocating trashing your prospective boss in a job interview - nor am I suggesting a head-case like George would actually make a sound role model for life, let alone the job search - but a recent experience taught me that commonly-accepted wisdom may not necessarily be the best course for seeking a job in today's market.  I recently went on a job interview without doing much preparation of any kind.

It was one of the best exchanges I ever had.

Stick with me here.  Normally, I do what all the advice books and seminars tell us to do before a job interview. I check the Web site to learn all I can about the company, and I reach out to contacts to learn what their experiences with the firm have been.  I read press releases, business publications, and blogs to find out as much as I can about the good and bad of the place.  I look up my interviewers on Linked In to see what kinds of tidbits I can learn about their backgrounds, what things we may have in common or what interests we may share, etc. 

Guess what?  After a year of doing this, I'm still just as unemployed. Even worse, I can't begin to count the number of times this preparation turned out to be a colossal waste of time for interviews that were for jobs that either didn't exist or which were frozen. 

So, when I landed a job interview last week with a branch of the federal government, I decided George's approach might be worth emulating, albeit to a lesser extent.  Instead of my usual informational-overload of preparation and research, I decided I would simply look up the organization's Web site on the day of the interview, check the interviewer's name on Linked In, and just bring an extra copy of my resume and a few samples of my earlier work.  I would not do an exhaustive search about the organization's history and mission, I would not print out multiple copies of my portfolio to leave with the interviewer, and I would not memorize complex talking points to recite when I got the usual "tell me about..." behavioral questions.  I wouldn't do any additional checking or researching on anything related to the organization, and I would not reach out to a single person to learn about his or her experiences.   (If nothing else, I figured this would give me an interesting posting for this blog.)

Now admittedly, I didn't undertake this particular initiative without some trepidation.  One frequently-repeated scenario in my head had the following exchange taking place:

Interviewer:  "Tell me what you know about our organization."

Me:  "Just what I know on the Web site...ABC...XYZ..."

Interviewer (clearly put off):  "I see."

Me (clearing throat):  "Well, after the last five or six jobs I interviewed for all got canceled or filled from within, I've learned it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to do too much advance preparation until I know for sure that the company is serious about filling a position and looking to hire externally.  So why don't we put our cards on the table?  Tell me if this interview is for an actual position, and if so, why are you looking at outside candidates?"

Now, most interview guides and advice books will tell you this blunt approach would be suicidal.  But I doubt many seekers in today's job market who have been misled about positions - or worse, openly lied to about offers that never came or jobs that didn't even exist to begin with - would see it that way.  Most, I suspect, would love to have this sort of direct exchange but are understandably too frightened to have it.

After twelve months of frustration, however, I was looking forward to it.  Much like another "Seinfeld" episode where Elaine decides she only wants to attend a wedding in India to spite the bride - who, it turns out, only invites Elaine at the last moment because she does not expect her to actually attend - I decided that for just this once, I would go into an interview with almost no preparation and just see what happened.  If it went south?  Well, it wasn't as if all the hours of preparation, effort, and "doing the right thing" had paid that many dividends anyway. 

What happened? Well, for starters, it actually turned out to be one of the best interviews I've had in a long time.  Why?  Because like a lot of searchers, I lowered my expectations.  Once upon a time, you prepared for interviews and hoped they would lead to a job.  Not so much any more.  Nowadays, chances are the interview is for a position that may or may not be filled because the company offering it may - or may not, depending on whom you talk with  and when you talk with them - be in a hiring freeze.  I didn't walk in expecting a job; I went in expecting the usual song and dance about getting to know you and then deciding whether to keep in touch in the near future, etc.

And that's exactly what the interview was.

The interviewer - a very polite and likable guy - wanted to see what skills I had and talk about some "possible openings" in the future.  More to the point, since I had figured there would not be an actual position behind the interview, I was far more relaxed than I normally might have been.  During our conversation, I even suggested a couple of Web sites that I thought would be helpful in dealing with some work issues he was wrestling with.  By the time we were done, instead of feeling I had to go that extra mile somehow to show my interest in any job he had that might fit me, I simply thanked him for his time; and we exchanged business cards.  That was all.  I walked out relieved that I had not wasted countless hours preparing for the interview, and while it hadn't led to a job, I had at least managed to get out of the house on a sunny afternoon.  Best of all, I hopefully made a contact that would help me expand my network.  If nothing else, it was another step toward something down the line if things do go well.

And there, in fact, is the irony in all of this.  In today's job market, you may actually have to go into an interview not expecting a job but to simply build a connection instead.   All those instructions to meticulously research a company and learn as much as you can before going in may still be valid; but when actual unemployment hovers near 16-17 percent (9.6 percent officially as of this writing; but it's actually closer to 16-17 percent when people who have given up the search are counted) and companies are extremely reluctant to hire anybody, perhaps doing the opposite can actually pay more emotional dividends than conventional wisdom.

Or to put it another way, maybe like the proverbial stuck clock that's still right twice a day, George wasn't always off target with some of his ideas...

The Neverending Job Interview...

The following is a diary of an actual interview process with a Fortune 100 firm.  The firm's name has been withheld and some dates have been changed to preserve anonymity, but the experiences, conversations, and personal sentiments are real.


July 29, 2010 - I attend a job fair convention in [Virginia].  Upon entering the overcrowded room, I am quickly advised that the majority of the jobs to be filled require IT experience and government security clearances.  Since I have neither, I quickly ask the fellow at the information desk if I'm wasting time by being there.  He assures me I'm not and directs me to a sparsely attended area on the opposite part of the room for non-cleared positions.  As I trudge over, I'm reminded of the scene at the beginning of "Animal House" where Pinto and Flounder are directed to the rejects' couch when they first attempt to pledge at Omega Theta Pi.  It is not a pleasant sensation.  

I take a seat and wait my turn to talk to the two clearly underwhelmed people behind the table.  One is a fellow slightly older than myself, the second is his female counterpart who has just returned from her lunch break.  When my time comes, I launch into my elevator speech, telling him why I want to work for his firm and which of my qualifications would make for a sound match with any suitable positions he has. He tells me that this his first event like this one and that he doesn't really know what he's supposed to be doing.  Somehow, I manage to keep my facial expression from collapsing, but deep inside my body, a tiny sound of glass breaking is heard...


August 6, 2010 - Apparently, I made a stronger impression than I figured.  One of the company's recruiters - a different one from the one I talked with at the table, in fact - spoke to a woman who handles outreach efforts.  She is e-mailing me to see if I am interested in following up to discuss a possible position.  Having been out of work for more than year, I find her question comparable to asking a castaway if he'd be open to the possibility of a steak dinner.  I struggle to keep my fingers from shaking as I hastily key my reply and run the spell check several times before hitting send.  Absolutely, I tell her.  This sounds like a wonderful opportunity!  And I'm off to the races...


August 11, 2010 - The recruiter e-mails me back to say my first interview will be a preliminary phone conversation with a hiring manager on August 13 at 10:00 a.m.  I thank her again for the opportunity and immediately begin preparing for the interview by looking up the manager on Linked In to learn more about her.  I also start drafting a list of expected questions that I can practice answering. 


August 13, 2010 - I have my phone interview with the hiring manager.  She tells me she is impressed by my background and that they are looking for someone who is "parachutable" that can just drop into a position and hit the ground running.  I tell her everything she's outlined matches my background perfectly and that this sounds like a very strong match.  She tells me she will recommend moving forward with my interview process.  I hang up the phone and pump my fist.  Life is good once again.


August 16, 2010 - The recruiter e-mails me back to arrange a face-to-face interview with another manager for August 20, which is my birthday.  I smile.  I've successfully moved from being an anonymous neo-reject at a job fair ("Super!  Then you'll have lots to talk about!") to a phone-screen-cleared candidate who is now apparently worthy of a face-to-face meeting.  I am making progress.  I tell her this sounds great and politely inquire what type of position they're considering for me.  She tells me she has no idea but will check. As we hang up, it dawns on me that I will be heading into an interview in just a little over 72 hours with absolutely no idea of what I am expected to say or which parts of my background I should emphasize.  I decide to focus on some core strengths and use this as an opportunity to show that I am "flexible."


August 17, 2010 - I begin reaching out to friends and connections I have at the company.  One is a former coworker; three others are alumni connections.  They ask me what sort of job I am interviewing for.  I tell them I don't know because no one has told me.  They wish me luck. 


August 20, 2010 - I meet the manager for my interview.  She is working from home, so instead of going to the office, we meet at a local Starbucks.  I am easy to spot since I am the only fellow in the shop wearing a suit and tie.  She shows up in business casual attire.  I give her an updated copy of my resume, a one-page summary of my professional achievements, and a PowerPoint deliverable outlining my skills and how they match the company's needs.  She is impressed.  I hand her my business card.  She tells me she forgot to bring any cards of her own.  I briefly wonder how someone who can't remember to bring a business card to an interview is able to land a job while someone who prepares meticulously like myself is struggling to find work.  I remind myself that this is not a level playing field and that when she was a candidate, she likely had to be on her toes as well.  It is all part of the process, I say.   



August 27, 2010 - The recruiter e-mails me to say she has set up two phone interviews with some senior managers for August 30th.  I thank her and make some notes of the people I will be talking with so I can check with my contacts and look them up on Linked In.  I make a note to do some checking at my upcoming networking events as well to see if anyone has heard of them before or interviewed with this particular firm.  (Note:  No one did.)  I also let the recruiter know that I have some other interviews coming up but would be happy to sign on with her firm because it is my first choice (which in truth, it is).  She does not acknowledge this or say anything in her reply.  I wonder again if this constitutes progress or if I'm simply treading water.  I decide it is not something I want to dwell on. 


August 30, 2010 - The recruiter e-mails me that morning to say that my second manager cannot make our scheduled interview.  Can I reschedule for some time during the first week of September?  Eager to appear flexible and understanding, I tell her, "Certainly."  I then proceed with my interview with the other hiring manager. He tells me the company likes my background but is "not sure where to put me."  I tell him that based on our discussion and my research, his unit sounds as though it would be the strongest fit.  He says he'll recommend me for a face-to-face interview after I talk with the other manager.  In other words, I've  gone from a phone interview to a face-to-face interview, but now I'm going back to more phone interviews. I'm reminded of George Jetson at the end sequence of "The Jetsons" where he's helplessly spinning on the treadmill shouting, "Jane!  Help me stop this crazy thing!"   


September 2, 2010 - The recruiter e-mails me to say my interview with the next hiring manager is set for September 9th.  I reiterate my interest in moving ahead with her company.  She wishes me luck in my next interview.  I wonder what exactly it takes to land a job with this place since I seem to be doing nothing but shuttling between different managers who all seem impressed with me but not impressed enough to recommend me for hiring.  I consider telling her she's keeping an angel somewhere from getting its wings by dragging this process out but change my mind.  "Sounds great," I say smiling.  As I hang up the phone, I stab another pin into my voodoo doll...


September 9, 2010 - I have my phone interview with the final hiring manager.  He and I talk for 30 minutes.  He finds my background is not as technical as he needs and asks where I think I would fit best.  I reiterate what I said to the earlier manager I spoke with about his unit being the best fit.  He says he agrees and will recommend to the recruiter that I come in for yet another face-to-face interview.  As I hang up the phone, I conclude I am being "pinballed" but have no real choice in this situation since I need a job.  I also realize it has now been almost eight weeks since I started talking with this company and that to date I have yet to actually interview in a hiring office.  Perhaps my doubts about reincarnation should be questioned since it appears I must have committed some truly heinous crimes in a past life that I am obviously still paying for.


September 13, 2010 - I get a phone call from the senior recruiter and we talk for 15 minutes.  He tells me everyone liked talking with me and recommended me for hiring; but they still can't figure out where I would be the best fit.  I struggle to restrain myself from picking up one of my dog's rawhide chew toys to gnaw on it in frustration.  He asks me where I think my skills would be best put to work.  As pleasantly as I can force myself, I tell him.  He says great and then says the word every job seeker loves to hear:  "We'll start working on that offer."  My hands shake as I hang up the phone.  Could my search finally be ending after all this time?


September 14, 2010 - No word.


September 15, 2010 - No word.


September 16, 2010 - No word.


September 17, 2010 - No word.  I decide to bite the bullet and send an e-mail telling him and the other recruiter that I enjoyed the talk earlier in the week, that I want to "re-affirm my interest" in moving forward, hope they have a nice weekend, etc., etc.  No replies.


September 20, 2010 - I get an e-mail saying that there is a meeting that afternoon and that there should be some feedback for me afterward.  For some reason, this does not inspire a great deal of confidence.  Last week we were talking about putting an offer together, now I'm told to "expect feedback"??? Could Dante have missed this level of purgatory in his Inferno?  Or is Fate just mocking me here?


September 22, 2010 - I hear back from the recruiter.  The meeting scheduled for earlier this week has been postponed, so there is no news at this time.  He says he'll advise if/when he has anything to report.  Somehow, after five interviews, I was hoping for something more positive by now, but maybe that's just me...


September 23 - 29, 2010 - No word.  I'm learning this is what Corporate America defines as "being patient."  To me, it's more like "being ignored."


September 30, 2010 - I e-mail the manager again to check in.  If cyberspace were radio, the response I would receive would resemble static...


October 5, 2010 - Finally having reached the end of my rope, I call the manager and tell him I may have another offer later this week.  "Can you please let me know the status of that offer we spoke about back on September 13?" I ask him.  (It was only a month ago, I think to myself.)  He tells me he was out yesterday but will check and get back to me.  What's the best number to reach me?  I tell him.  I then follow up our phonecon with a brief e-mail thanking him for taking my call and telling him I'm looking forward to hearing from him.

October 12, 2010 - After over two months of shuttling back and forth between managers and following up, I call the recruiter and tell him I have another interview and need to know what to do if these folks decide to put some kind of offer on the table.  Not surprisingly, he responds that very day and tells me he will get back to me tomorrow. This appears to be what it takes to get responses to polite inquiries.

October 13, 2010 - The recruiter calls me back.  After doing some checking, he tells me, the managers all "thought very highly of you, but we just don't have any openings at this time."  In other words, the last several weeks have, in effect, been a complete waste of the employer's time and mine as well.  I grit my teeth and thank him nonetheless, adding, "I'm very sorry to hear this, but please keep me in mind in the event something should open up."  I hang up the phone and wonder why this seems to be such a common practice.  I decide it's not worth dwelling on and take the rest of the week off from searching.  Sometimes you need a break if you're going to maintain your sanity...


Epilogue:  According to several contacts I've spoken with, it's quite common for large consulting firms to string candidates along in this manner in case they land a significant contract and need to hire suddenly, although most confide that five interviews is a bit beyond the norm.  As for the offer that the recruiter did mention, this experience underscores the difficult truth:  Verbal offers are not worth the paper that they're not printed on.   

Friday Funnies

It's often said that laughter is sometimes the only thing that keeps us going during rough times, so with that in mind we present this week's collection of "safe" jokes and witticisms.  Enjoy!

***

A small man went into a diner to have his breakfast.  No sooner had he sat down to eat when the door opened and several mean-looking bikers came in.  They sat down on either side of the man and quickly began tormenting him.  One grabbed his plate of food and began eating while another pounded him on his back.  A third picked up his coffee cup and poured it all over the man's lap.  "Well, buddy," one of the bikers snarled.  "Whatcha gonna do?"  The frail man got up and calmly paid his bill before walking out the door. 

"Can you believe that guy?" one of the bikers said to the waitress.  "He's not much of a man, is he?"

"No, he's not," said the waitress as she filled their coffee cups.  "He's not much of a driver, either.  He just ran his truck over six motorbikes parked outside!"

***

A young man was feeling a bit confident about his upcoming evening.  He was going to meet his girlfriend's parents for dinner, and afterward the two of them would drive up to the scenic area overlooking the city where he hoped they would finally be able to fool around.  To make sure he took all the necessary precautions, he stopped by the drugstore to purchase some contraceptives in advance of the date.  Afterward, he hurried home and changed clothes before driving over to his girlfriend's house.

As they sat down for dinner, the girl's mother asked the young many to say grace.  Bowing his head, the young man began to pray.  And pray.  And pray.  And pray.  After several minutes, the girl looked over at him and saw his head was still bowed. 

"Hey," she whispered, nudging him.  "You never told me you were so religious!"

Without raising his head, the young man whispered back, "And you never told me your dad was a pharmacist!"

***

Three women were bragging about the accomplishments of their grown children.  "My son is a doctor," the first woman boasted.  "He makes so much money, he just bought his girlfriend a Rolex watch!"

Not to be outdone, the second woman said, "Oh, is that all?  MY son is a prominent doctor.  HE makes so much money he bought HIS girlfriend a diamond bracelet!"

The two women looked to the third and waited for her to speak.

"I'm not too proud of my daughter's profession," the woman answered.  "She works for an escort service."  She paused.  "But she must be doing something right, because her last two clients gave her a Rolex watch and a diamond bracelet!"

A Leveling of the Playing Field?

Traditionally, job interviews have never been anything close to a level playing field.  You need the job, but the hiring manager holds all the cards.  He or she can select you or any of the countless other candidates pounding on the office door.  You, on the other hand, have only your services to offer, so the weight is on your shoulders to prove yourself worthwhile. 

That may finally be changing.

The Internet has led to an explosion in available information that both job seekers and corporations are learning to exploit, but trends favor the former more than the latter.  Why?  Because job searchers' desperation makes them more likely than companies to use every available tool to learn about firms and positions.  Corporations, on the other hand, have to wait for applicants to come to them and then run the usual credit / background checks once selections are made.  Here's the problem:  The new tools will soon give applicants enough advance information to decide whether or not the interview should even take place.  

Glassdoor is one such example.  Unlike Hoovers or the Vault, which offer basic business insights (company profiles, competitors, financial performance, etc.) Glassdoor offers job seekers insight into the inner workings and experiences of actual employees at a given firm.  Workers post anonymous thoughts - both positive and negative - about what it's like to work at the company.  Salary ranges, interview experiences (including actual questions) are posted, as are additional tips and suggestions for interested applicants.  In short, the site is a gold mine of critical information an applicant should know before interviewing with the company - or even deciding whether the company is worth interviewing with in the first place.

This last point is where companies ignore the Internet at their own peril.  While it may be commonplace nowadays to interview candidates for positions that don't exist or for jobs that are ultimately canceled if they ever existed in the first place, in the long run such shoddy practices risk getting the company blacklisted on any number of different job-related Web sites.  In the not-too-distant future, multiple postings from mistreated applicants will make it increasingly difficult for companies to hire the talent that they need to succeed.  And while one can always dismiss a few negative postings as the inevitable disgruntled complaints from a few bad apples,  multiple criticisms on different sites will eventually be seen as a warning for prospective employees to either stay away or to ask very direct, challenging questions that will almost certainly catch unprepared interviewers by surprise.

In fact, according to a recent white paper by Simplyhired, the job market of the future will be marked by almost perfect information as both candidates and companies know more about one another long before meeting for an actual interview.  However, the changing dynamics will come to favor the candidate as the process evolves:

In the future, job seekers will be able to access a complete and accurate picture of all information related to a job opportunity. For example: a mechanical engineer in San Francisco will be able to view available jobs and top hiring companies not only in his field and location, but in other areas as well ... He will know that the salary range is $62,000 to $84,000, and that the top hiring companies for his field are Southwest Airlines, Raytheon and Ford. He will also be able to note that while transportation remains a top industry for his occupation, there are a growing number of mechanical engineering jobs in a different industry (aerospace), or a different location (Atlanta). Knowing this, he may approach job search in an entirely new way. By centralizing job listings with all the other information that job seekers must consider, future job search applications will be able to build a holistic picture of each potential job opportunity. Job seekers will be able to compare positions side-by-side and point-by-point, allowing them to make informed decisions for their individual situations.

True Example:  Several months ago I interviewed with one of the Big Four firms for a consulting position.  The manager asked for my salary requirements, and when I answered, she grimaced.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "But that's outside our range for this position."  I smiled and opened one of the folders I had brought and took out a printout that showed the different salary ranges her company reportedly paid for various positions.  Her eyes widened.  "Where did you get this?" she demanded.  I politely explained that as a good candidate, it was my job to research a company "as thoroughly as possible" before an interview.  "May I keep this?" she asked.  "I know what I'm going to be checking when I get back to my desk!" 

Now, admittedly, disproving the manager's assertion in this manner may have been counterproductive to my job search - I never did receive an offer from that particular firm after the interview - but knowing what the reported ranges were going into the interview did empower me in ways that would not have been possible before the Internet.  And while one should certainly always be suspicious of anything found online, being able to locate and cross-check such information on various sites gives the candidate a much better ability to challenge mistaken (or false) assertions about jobs and their reported pay scales. 

In short, the playing field may finally be starting to level in ways that finally begin to favor the candidate as opposed to the company.  Expect this to shake things up in the very near future.   

Job Interview Thoughts from Stewie Griffin

(Editor's Note:  While filming his upcoming appearance on "Inside the Actor's Studio," Fox animated star Stewie Griffin took our call and offered some personal suggestions on the job search process.  A transcript of the discussion is listed below.)

Modern Sisyphus:  Stewie, thanks so much for taking the time to talk with us today.  We really appreciate it.

Stewie:  Oh, please.  This is what I get for having the fat man as my agent.  Go on. 

Modern Sisyphus:  Well, let's start with the obvious.  Your show, "Family Guy," is now in its ninth season.  You've won three Emmy awards and become one of the most recognized animated characters on television, yet you haven't aged a day in almost ten years.  To what do you attribute your youth and longevity?

Stewie:  Lazy animators.  You know what it's like wearing the same clothes year after year?  It's downright tedious, I tell you.  And what's worse, every year I don't age is another year my inevitable domination of the world has to be pushed back.  It's positively insidious. 

Modern Sisyphus:  I see.  Well, moving right along -

Stewie:  God, yes.  Please. 

Modern Sisyphus:  Well, let's see.  You're only twelve months old, but you've already built a time machine, traveled through space, reduced yourself to microscopic size to travel through the human body, and repeatedly proven yourself capable of tasks most adults could never dream of accomplishing.  How do you do it?

Stewie:  God-given talent, a supreme intelligence, and the simple gullibility of people to believe anything when it comes to toddlers and their future capabilities.  It's very similar to what makes them believe dogs can talk, don't you know.

Modern Sisyphus:  Mm-hmm.  Well, let's try a different tack here since we're supposed to be talking about job-seeking skills.  What would be your advice for people in the job market today?

Stewie:  Let me put it this way:  Jimmy Carter was supposedly the most honest and moral of presidents; and he only lasted one term. Bill Clinton was a serial liar who preyed on twenty-something interns and fibbed about it, yet he not only got re-elected but still rates higher in the polls than either the current president or his predecessor.  You tell me what to conclude.

Modern Sisyphus:  (Shifting through 3 x 5 cards)  I see, well, umm, let's go with this next question.  Let's try and focus on actual job interview skills for a moment.  What do you look for in a new employee?

Stewie:  Oh, please.  Everyone looks for the same thing - chemistry and compatibility.  Qualifications only get you in the door; the rest of the time everyone is wondering whether they can work with you or if you're just someone who will max out the substance abuse program benefits in the first 90 days before going on disability. 

Modern Sisyphus:  (Shifting uncomfortably in chair)  I see.  Well, what qualifications would you look for specifically in someone you were thinking of hiring? 

Stewie:  I always seek the same characteristics:  ambition, perseverance, and - oh!  And a goal-oriented nature!  That's so essential!  You know, like Joaquin Phoenix's character in Gladiator.  

Modern Sisyphus:  Because of his focus on pursuing power and success?

Stewie:  Well, yes, that.  And I thought he looked just wonderful in his gladiator outfit.  I just love movies about gladiators.  Spartacus was very underrated, don't you think? 

Modern Sisyphus:  (Coughs)  Okay, moving along to our next question.  Suppose you were in a job interview and someone asked you for your greatest strength.  What would that be?

Stewie:  I think most workplace minions would answer that they want someone whose strength reflects the number one skill required for the job.  You would think that goes without saying, but in a country where people actually confused The Dukes of Hazzard with entertainment, you clearly have to assert the obvious from time to time.  In my case, I would say the number of times I can plot to end the life of a certain redhead on our show.  The possibilities are simply infinite.  If I had to pick a second, it would be the ability to soil myself at any time of my choosing.  You think any other world leaders besides Kim Jong Il can do that and get away with it? 

Modern Sisyphus:  I'm going to let that slide without comment.  Suppose you're asked about a greatest weakness?

Stewie:  Oh, God.  That's the most atrocious of questions.  Do what they say and announce something you're trying to address and fix; but make sure it's not too serious.  For me, it's probably having a talking dog as your only companion who remotely understands you. 

Modern Sisyphus:  But isn't Brian your friend? 

Stewie:  "Friend" is a polite way of phrasing it.  He simply taxes my patience every week with his self-appointed moralizing and ethical contradictions.  How many dogs do you know who can hold their liquor the way he does?

Modern Sisyphus:  Okay, let's try another question.  What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Stewie:  Being the only leading character on a sitcom with a head shaped like a perfectly natural football.  As far as I can tell, it's never been done before or since, so that makes me quite the groundbreaker, if I do say so myself. 

Modern Sisyphus:  We're getting close to our time here.  Let's try this one:  Which world leader do you most admire?

Stewie:  Oh, the same as everyone else, I suppose.  Niccolo Machiavelli.

Modern Sisyphus:  I see.  Because of The Prince?

Stewie:  Well, that, and he simply looked wonderful in 16th century Florentinian clothing.  They say clothes make the man, you know.

Modern Sisyphus:  Um, okay.  I do want to add one final actual work-related question.  When you're asked one those typical behavioral questions that begin with "Tell me about a time when..." what's the best way to respond? 

Stewie:  Give me an example.

Modern Sisyphus:  Well, there's always the "Tell me about a time when you had a conflict with someone and how you handled it." 

Stewie:  Oh, heavens.  People always want to know if you do your best to resolve things amicably and peacefully.  Have something in your back pocket you can take out to impress and reassure.  As for me, though, I prefer to resolve things in a more direct manner.

Modern Sisyphus:  Yes, we know about how you don't care to be owed money.  Listen, before we close, I really feel obligated to remind our readers that this is an entirely fictitious interview and that we have no copyright whatsoever to your name, likeness, or character -

Stewie:  Oh, please.  In a world where Stephenie Meyer can be considered a novelist and J.K. Rowling can blatantly rip off Tolkien's wise-wizard figure and make millions doing it, I hardly think Fox will be coming after you for this travesty of a so-called blog you're writing.  Besides, you think that MacFarlane fellow got permission to "borrow" my voice from Rex Harrison?  Or that the Flintstones got permission from The Honeymooners all those years ago when they started out?  Besides, you're not making any profit from this online rag.  If you were, I'd be demanding payment for this transparent attempt at an interview. 

Modern Sisyphus:  Yes, er, I see.  Okay, well, thank you -

Stewie:  Listen, call the fat man if you're still looking for work in the next few months.  I'm always looking for flunkies who won't threaten my plans for world domination, and you sound like precisely the sort of nice fellow I can exploit ruthlessly for my own personal gain. 

Modern Sisyphus:  Um, thanks - I think.  Any parting words of thought for our readers?

Stewie:  Yes.  Please watch the all-new "Family Guy" Sunday nights at 9:00 only on Fox!

Friday Funnies

After a week of not-so-great news, it's time to remember to laugh - even if it's mostly with some bad puns.  Enjoy!

***

"I always hear people talking about reaching the end of their rope.  I never know what they mean by that.  Maybe I could pull some strings and find out."

- George Carlin

"The human canonball knew that there were very few men of his caliber around.  Especially when he was loaded."

- George Carlin

"There once were two boll weevils.  One eventually found fame and fortune; the other did not.  Cosequently, he became known as the lesser of two weevils."

- Anonymous

Question:  Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Answer:   Because they taste funny! 

And finally - if you've read this far, you deserve a break - we have this gem about two gentlemen golfers:

Two fellows went golfing one day.  As they were nearing the 18th hole, a funeral procession passed by, and one man stopped to remove his cap and place it over his heart.  He kept his head bowed for several minutes as the entire procession went past.  As the last car moved by, he put his hat back on and resumed lining up his putt.  "Wow," said his friend.  "I never knew you were so religious!"

"Oh, it's the least I could do," the man replied. "After all, we were married nearly forty years!"

"



Operation Mincemeat Revisited?

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Communication Breakdown

Communication breakdown, it's always the same

Havin' a nervous breakdown, a-drive me insane

- Led Zeppelin

My folks once told me what people don't say can often tell you far more than anything they actually utter.  I know none of us like it when Mom and Dad are proven right yet again - the only thing that might qualify as worse is being proven wrong by your spouse (not that I would know, of course - hey, quit rolling those eyes!) - but this entry concerns just that lesson brought to life.

Last week I had my third interview with a prominent communications company.  After two phone interviews, they told me that they wanted me to come in and do a full panel interview with five - yes, five - different managers that will take approximately two hours.  Since the position I'm interviewing for is a learning consultant, I'm also going to be expected to deliver a 15-minute presentation afterward, followed by 15 minutes of Q & A, and then some debrief.  All in all, the process is expected to take about three hours. 

Oh, and did I mention I get to do all of this with a major head cold and pounding sinus congestion?  Call me Mr. Lucky. 

So, I get to work.  I prep a briefing packet for the hiring manager, write up up some examples for the obligatory situation-action-result stories I'll be expected to tell, and put together a 15-slide presentation that I rehearse and time to make sure it matches the given specifics.  And to make sure I cover all possible bases, I also download the company's logo and match my template to their image colors. 

The interview day comes, and I pop a couple of cold tablets and guzzle coffee to counteract the sedative effects of the meds.  I knock every question out of the park.  When the time comes to deliver my presentation, I shake hands with each attendee (making sure to slip out between the interview and my presentation to wash my hands thoroughly - courtesy is contagious, don't you know...) and hand out nametags so I can call on people by name.   When I'm done, I know I've done everything I can to nail this solid.  To leave absolutely nothing whatsoever to chance, I spend the evening carefully writing and proofing my thank-you messages that I e-mail the next morning to everyone I met. 

Nothing happens. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting anything major, but after all this work and preparation, something gnaws at me when I hear no reply whatsoever.  No courtesy acknowledgment, no thank-you-for-coming-in-and-we'll-be-in-touch message, no nothing.  Hmm, I tell myself.  This does not bode well.  If they were serious, wouldn't they at least be a bit more proactive here?  Besides, how difficult is it to hit "reply" and then at least acknowledge the message with one or two quick lines? 

This was when my parents' saying leapt into my head.  If they weren't saying anything...

The following Monday, I decided to roll the dice.  The hiring manager had said I'd hear something back by the end of the week, and while it's only the next business day, I can't help but think that something must be up if not a single person has bothered to send me any message whatsoever.  I think back to the job interviews I've had that led to offers and recall how quickly those firms moved to get me.  If they really want you, they move fast.  If they don't...

[Aside:  Sure, I know telling someone, "You'll hear from us by the end of the week" ranks somewhere between "The check is in the mail" and "I'll still respect you in the morning" in terms of its honesty, but after months and months of corporate mistreatment, let's just say my nose for shenanigans has reached  "bloodhound" level.  Keep reading.]

There can be only one answer, I think to myself (channeling my best inner "Highlander" - cue the Queen music here).  They've got someone else in mind, and now they're waiting to hear from him or her before getting back to me. 

"Hi, [NAME]," I e-mail the recruiter.  "I wanted to reach out and let you know I had another interview this morning; and I understand the company is going to put an offer on the table later this week.  Can you let me know where things stand with my candidacy at [COMPANY]?  I've not heard any follow-up from you or [HIRING MANAGER'S NAME], so if you've decided to go with another candidate, I understand but will need to know one way or another so I can make an informed decision.  Please let me know. Thanks."

A few hours later, I get a reply:

"Dear John:

Do you have time to talk tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.?  Let me know and I'll give you a call on your cell phone.

[RECRUITER]"

Oh, for crying out loud, I say.  (Yes, I actually slapped my forehead after getting this message.)  What kind of sadistic game is this?  If I didn't make the cut or you've got someone else, just rip the band-aid off already!

I write back:

"Happy to connect, but there's no real point unless we're still looking at moving forward with my candidacy.  If you're moving ahead with another candidate, please let me know so I can pursue other options.  If there is a delay and I'm still in the running, let me know and I'll be happy to follow up tomorrow."  In other words, please don't waste any more of my time or yours with any more back and forth if this decision has already been made.

An hour later, I get my answer:

"Dear John:

While we were impressed with your credentials and your presentation [BLAH-BLAH-BLAH], we've decided to pursue an internal candidate for this position..."

THANK GOD, I tell myself.  THEY'RE FINALLY BEING HONEST!

Now, truth be told, was I disappointed?  Of course - to a point.  The job was an excellent match, and I knew I could fulfill the responsibilities.  Granted, there may have been some areas where I had a question or two - no job or match is perfect - but I swung for the fences and did everything that I honestly think could have been done to nail this.  But what was my reward for my three interviews and meticulous preparation?  A ridiculous song and dance routine for a job that was already filled to begin with.  And since everything in life sooner or later parallels a Seinfeld episode, I naturally thought immediately of Elaine's interview.   (And yes, the part at the end where she says, "Thank you!" reflected my sentiments in my follow-up exactly.)

So what's my take-away from this experience?  Just a reaffirmation of what my parents told me:  Always note what people say; but pay even more attention to what isn't said  Because more often than not, the latter tells you far more than the former ever will.

Actions and Consequences

Every child learns this lesson early - do something bad, and sooner or later you'll be punished.  You might skate the first time, maybe the second, but eventually your actions catch up with you and you get caught.  That's when the curtain gets lowered and you have to face the music.



Somebody needs to alert the business world about this.

Two things happened last week that made me think of this oh-so-obvious parental lesson that seems to have been forgotten.  The first was a phone call I got from a friend of mine in Florida who wanted to hire an associate for his financial planning office.  To make a long story short, he went to a job fair and spent an evening talking with people and collecting resumes.  Afterward, he spent a few hours sorting the resumes until he had what he thought were fifteen promising candidates.  He then invited them all to an "office open house" to see which might make a good fit for his firm and which might be good fits for people he knew who were also looking for help. 

You know how many people showed up?  Five. 

"I couldn't believe it," he told me.  "I mean, I know the job market is bad, but what kind of world is it where fifteen people RSVP and then only five actually show up?"  I asked him what the ones who did show up had to say.  His answer surprised him but not me.  "That was the really sad part," he said.  "They told me they were so burned out by going to so many events only to be disappointed that they weren't even sure it was worth the effort any more." 

Much to my surprise, I found myself telling him I completely understood their perspective - both those who bothered to show up and those who weren't really sure it would be worth the effort.  Why did I feel this way?  Well, that brings me to the second incident from last week.  Check out this e-mail I received from a prominent local firm that's looking to hire: 

----- Forwarded Message ----

From: XXXXX Human Resources <humanresources@XXXXX.com>
To: John  <jxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx.com>
Sent: Thu, September 30, 2010 1:58:49 PM
Subject: PROPOSAL DEVELOPMENT MANAGER - XXXXX at XXXXX

John,

We appreciate your interest in the PROPOSAL DEVELOPMENT MANAGER - XXXXX position. Although this position has been closed or cancelled, we will retain your candidate file in our database and will inform you of job openings that match your profile if you selected this option. Please visit the Career Section on our web site to review our available positions and apply to those of interest.

We thank you for your interest in XXXXX.

Best regards,

XXXXX Recruiting & Workforce Planning
 
 
Notice the bold italics (emphasis mine).  This firm either sends out or posts so many different positions that it later cancels that it's forced to include this wording as part of its automated responses.  This means anyone looking for a job with this company and who carefully crafts a resume - or worse, spends at least an hour or two on the Web site meticulously documenting every job they've ever had, which years they spent at which firm, who they worked for, whom the firm can contact as a reference, etc. - can find that the reward for all this effort is not, "Sorry, we won't be interviewing you" but instead, "Oh, that position?  Yeah, it was canceled.  But thanks for playing!" 
 
Multiply this by dozens of similar experiences and who can blame people for becoming so jaded and burned out that they wonder if it's even worth making the effort any more to lobby for a position?  Much like the child who puts his hand on a hot stove one too many times, sooner or later getting burned gets pretty old. 
 
Except it's not just the out of work employee who suffers, it's businesses like my friend's who actually want to hire people but who find their efforts stymied by the questionable practices of others that leave the workforce burned out and reluctant to make what should be just an honest effort for an honest shot at a job. 
 

Or, to put it another way, actions by some have consequences for others - even those they've never met.

Friday Funnies

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar.  Taking a seat at the nearest table, they quickly summon the waitress.  "Bring me a pint of that finest of the world's beers," says the American.  "I'll have a Samuel Adams, please."  Not to be outdone, the Englishman snorts, "I say, bring me a tall glass of the finest ale the world has ever known:  Bass."  The three turn to the Irishman.  Looking at them both with weary disgust, he says, "I'll just have some water, lassie.  Thanks."  The waitress moves off and returns moments later with their orders.  As the men are raising their glasses, the American and the Englishman can no longer restrain themselves and inquire why the Irishman ordered water instead of Guinness.  "Lads," the Irishman says gently.  "If you'll not be drinkin' this afternoon, then neither will I." 

***

A novice parachutist is plummeting toward the earth and decides the time has come to pull his ripcord.  Yanking it hard, he waits for his chute to deploy.  Nothing happens.  He pulls it again.  Again, nothing.  Panicking, he begins pulling on the ripcord for all he's worth.  No change.  As he's about to begin saying his prayers, he looks down and sees another man flying up toward him.  "Hey!" he shouts as the other fellow flies past.  "Do you know anything about stuck parachutes?"
"No," shouts the man as he zooms past.  "Know anything about gas stoves?"

***

"Women always say the thing they value most in a man is a sense of humor.  Well, I'm here to tell you it's not true.  Twenty years in this business and I can tell you without a doubt there's no such thing as a comedian groupie."

- Jeff Foxworthy

***

A common tale of Winston Churchill's wit had him engaging in a conversation with a woman after having had one too many glasses of sherry.  Being politically opposite the prime minister, the woman reportedly huffed, "My dear Winston, you are a horrible, horrible man!  If you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your drink!"  Churchill reportedly looked back at her and without missing a beat said, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

***

And one for the month of October:  A woman and her husband were set to attend a costume party in matching bear costumes.  At the last moment, however, the woman told her husband she felt ill and said he should go on without her.  An hour later, however, she began to feel guilty about making him go alone, so she decided to attend the party anyway.  Feeling mischievous, she decided to put on a harlot's costume instead of the bear outfit to see if her husband would recognize her. When she arrived at the party, however, she was horrified to see her husband dirty dancing with a young woman in a similar costume!

"I'll show him," the wife growled. 

Sneaking up behind the couple, she whispered seductively into the bear's ear and suggested the two go out to the car for a quick tryst.  Sure enough, he grabbed her hand and the two raced out to the car for a half hour of passion.  As they were heading back into the party, the woman said, "Oh, I forgot something in the car - I'll see you inside."  She ran back to her car, jumped in and raced home. 

Arriving back home, the woman quickly changed out of her costume and grabbed her rolling pin.  "I'll show him to cheat on me with some floozy he meets at a costume party!"  She waited until her husband came home, which he did a few hours later. 

"So," she demanded, beating the pin against her palm.  "How was the party, mister?"

Her husband turned and began hanging up his coat.  "Oh, you know I never enjoy these things when you're not around," he said over his shoulder.  "I spent the evening playing cards with the guys in the den; but I heard the guy I gave my costume to got lucky with some woman in a harlot's costume!"