Thursday, July 21, 2011

Friday Funnies - Revisited

With unemployment still stuck in the double-digits and layoffs increasing, we all can probably use a laugh or two now more than ever. (Remember, we make no promises for the quality of these jokes, only that they should bring a smile or two if for no other reason than because, well, bad humor is still humor, folks...)

Enjoy - and keep those interview stories coming!

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"What's the best way to make $10 million running a winery?  That's easy.  First, start with $100 million."
- Anonymous

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A lawyer dies and - for some reason - goes to heaven.  "There has to be a mistake," he tells St. Peter.  "I'm only fifty-five."  St. Peter checks his book and smiles.  "Not according to the timesheets you submitted..."

***

Two friends who love baseball make a promise to one another that the first one to pass on will somehow find a way to let the other know whether there is baseball in heaven.  Sure enough, after many years together, one of them passes away quietly.  A week later, his friend gets a very unusual long-distance call.  "Fred?" the voice says.  "It's Sam.  Listen, I'm up here in heaven, and I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" his friend asks.

"Turns out there IS baseball in heaven," his friend replies.  "In fact, I'm playing second base right now."

"Great," his buddy says.  "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the roster says you're going to be our starting pitcher next Wednesday..."

***

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Return of the Zombie Descriptions

I've admittedly written far too many posts that include zombie similes - job descriptions that come back from the dead, opportunities that were never really "living" to begin with, etc.  And like many Gen-Xers, I probably watched far too many horror movies as a teen-ager.  (One of my favorite shows from last year was AMC's "The Walking Dead."  Women still love fairy tales and royal weddings, guys still love their gory movies and laughable monsters. What can I say, some things you just never really outgrow...) 

What brings this to mind was yet another "zombie job description" that caught my eye last week. I've spoken with a number of people about the less-than-honest practice many companies have of advertising positions that do not exist or that they have no intention of filling.  From the employers' perspective, this shady tactic always ensures a steady supply of current resumes from which the company can quickly select a few in the event a contract is won or if there is a sudden need for filling a position due to someone quitting or being transferred.  "Oh," they will say.  "We are always on the lookout for great talent!"

The problem with this practice is that it is really nothing more than false advertising and would be considered criminal if it were done by retail outlets trying to promote models that they no longer carry.  If you spot an advertisement for a new television and get to the store only to be told, "Oh, we're all out of that model - but for a few dollars more, you can have THIS one over here..." you can write to the Better Business Bureau and complain.  (Whether anything happens may well be another story, but at least you have some means to pursue your grievance.)  With employers, however, such advertising is not only common but all too standard a practice. 

Here is the latest zombie description I recently saw on Linked In that looked remarkably similar to a position I applied for last year.  The company's name has been redacted, but I'm posting a few lines from the description:

Job Title: Manager, Learning and Development - Learning Consultant
Job Summary:
This consulting role is responsible for working with the manager community and HR professionals to identify and understand learning and development needs and delivering programs to meet those needs (through vendors or internal design).  The consultant will execute against an annual Development Plan and is expected to work with the manager community (i.e., Manager through VP) to integrate them into the learning process.

Responsibilities:
1.    Identify capability gaps and develop plan to close gaps for the designated region
  • Consult with manager community to determine short and long-term needs with respect to talent and capabilities
  • Help delivery teams take full advantage of L&D to improve their performance
  • Work closely with local People Strategists and Staffing team members to determine development needs.
  • Produce an annual regional Development Plan
  • Translate the capability needs into learning solutions (with either the L&D Design Team in India or local vendors)
  • Work with the L&D Design Team in India to translate the capability needs into learning solutions
Now, check out this position advertised on Linked In just a week ago:

Type: Full-time
Experience: Mid-Senior level
Functions: Human Resources, Training, Education 
Industries: Information Technology and Services 
Job ID: 1723108
Manager - Learning & Development
[Company Name Redacted] (Washington D.C. Metro Area)
Job Description
Location(s) : United States-Virginia-Arlington

Schedule : Full-time

Job Summary:
This consulting role is responsible for working with the manager community and HR professionals to identify and understand learning and development needs and delivering programs to meet those needs (through vendors or internal design).  The consultant will execute against an annual Development Plan and is expected to work with the manager community (i.e., Manager through VP) to integrate them into the learning process.

Responsibilities:
1. Identify capability gaps and develop plan to close gaps for the designated region
  • Consult with manager community to determine short and long-term needs with respect to talent and capabilities
  • Help delivery teams take full advantage of L&D to improve their performance
  • Work closely with local People Strategists and Staffing team members to determine   development needs.
  • Produce an annual regional Development Plan
  • Translate the capability needs into learning solutions (with either the L&D Design Team in India or local vendors)
  • Work with the L&D Design Team in India to translate the capability needs into learning solutions
Not only was this the same company, it was obviously the exact same position description.  Verbatim.  And just to add some additional background:  This was the same firm that flew me up to Boston for a final interview and then never bothered to follow up with me about the job.  It is frustrating enough for any job seeker to be turned down, but to never even be told so much as, "Sorry, kid..." paints a particularly unprofessional picture. 

Granted, a cynic might say that the firm may well have hired someone else, forgotten to notify me as a candidate (a finalist???), and then had things not work out with that person, but it would seem to me that when such instances occur, the companies usually revise the description.  Maybe someone else has left & her responsibilities need to be taken over by someone else.  Maybe the last person couldn't do XYZ that wasn't on the description but which turned out to be an increasingly critical part of the job.  The point is that rarely if ever do companies simply post the same exact description for an actual opportunity. Unless, of course, they're just recycling dead copy for another zombie position that does not exist. 

And the sad thing is, as I write these words, many desperate job seekers are no doubt jumping at what they honestly think is a real opportunity that, in reality, is no more real than zombies themselves...