Friday Funnies - Resume Bloopers

Several years ago, I was having lunch with an intern and making the same hopeless attempt to educate someone who was 20 years old about the ways of the real world.  (To be fair, I am sure I was no different when I was his age, but that's beside the point here...) 

"Always proofread your resume," I told him.  "I can't emphasize that enough.  If you have even a single typo, it'll be the kiss of death - if you're lucky."

He paused.  "Just one typo?"

"Yes," I told him.  "And that's if you're lucky."

"What do you mean, 'if I'm lucky'?" he asked.

"Well," I told him.  "If it's just one typo and you're lucky, they'll just throw your resume in the wastebasket."

"What if it's more than one?" he asked.

I smiled.  "In that case, they'll put a post-it note on your resume and route it through the office so people can laugh at you." 

His face froze.  "Welcome to the real world," I told him.  "By the way, how's your sandwich?"

***

In keeping with this theme, here are some (supposed) actual bloopers from resumes.  Read at your own risk.

"Salary requirements: The higher the better!"

Explanation for any gaps in employment:  "I was unemployed."  (Well, hey, it's honest...)

Computer skills:  "I use a laptop."

"Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations."  (Didn't we just talk about the importance of proofreading?)

"Received plague for performance."  (Well, I guess it bears repeating...)

"Position desired: Profreader."  (Double whammy.)


Got any zingers of your own?  Feel free to share - because, as always, the best ones are the ones we can't make up...

Sometimes They Come Back...

Okay, I admit it.  I overuse living dead analogies and zombie references far too often.  I've written about zombie job descriptions, undead positions, and countless interviews that made me feel as if I was conversing with someone whose pulse rate was questionable at best. 

And yet just when I think I've completely run my analogy into the ground and tell myself, "There can't POSSIBLY be another reference for this sort of thing," Fate decides to prove me wrong.  (But then again, if I learned my lesson, what would I post on a humor blog about job searching?)

Anyway, once upon a time I wrote about a particularly unfortunate interview experience involving a recruiter who forgot we had scheduled an interview. While that may in most circumstances be merely unfortunate and frustrating, this particular individual sought to place the "blame" for the miscommunication on me. ("Did anyone call you to confirm this interview?"  Silly me, I took him at his word when he scheduled the interview with me 48 hours prior...)  He then compounded the mistake by asking me to come back later, giving me a 45-minute rush-through, and then never replying to any of my subsequent e-mails.  (To be fair, I only sent him two - one to thank him for his time and the other to inquire if he had any leads or wanted to reconnect.  Apparently, he didn't.)  When I realized I was not working with a professional recruiter, I decided to focus my job search efforts elsewhere. 

About a year later, this same recruiter - again, who never provided me with any leads or replied to any of my inquiries - suddenly reached out.  He wanted to connect on Linked In!  As I wrote in my earlier posting, I declined. You would think that this was the end of the story, right?

Not quite.  It turns out this same fellow can be rather persistent in his desire to stay connected when it comes to trying to publicize his business and services. (These would be the same supposed services he could not be bothered to utilize my behalf when I sought to be one of his clients).  How do I know this?  Because just this week he tried to connect with me on Twitter. 

So picture this:  A fellow misleads you about his business services and capabilities, never follows up with you about any opportunities or positions, doesn't respond to any messages you send him, but then years later seeks to connect with you to help publicize his business.  When you turn that down, you would expect him to get the hint, but apparently that's asking a bit much of some people - especially if he can find you on Twitter and make yet another attempt to glom onto your likeness if he thinks it will help further his business.

Needless to say, I blocked him.  But the experience remind us all that there are plenty of unscrupulous souls out there.  As always, forewarned is indeed forearmed.