It's the Economy, Stupid - More Specifically...

I confess I'm admittedly among those who believe more federal spending is only likely to exacerbate the deficit and contribute further to the economic problems facing so many out-of-work taxpayers, but this is still an excellent take on how much of the media - like our elected officials - is/are missing the ball on the primary issue of importance to so many voters...

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/28/opinion/sunday/kristof-did-we-drop-the-ball-on-unemployment.html?_r=1&ref=opinion

Friday Funnies

With all the recent haranguing in Washington over the debt ceiling - and with the expected release of new job figures later today - perhaps it's best to remember the funnier side of politics...

***

"He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything.  That points clearly to a political career."

- George Bernard Shaw

"[The difference between American politicians and English politicians is] American politicians will do anything for money; English politicians will take the money and won't do anything."

- Stephen Leacock

John F. Kennedy reportedly toured a Virginia coal mine and was asked by a miner, "Is it true, sir, you've never worked an honest day of hard labor in your life?"  Kennedy admitted he had not.  "Believe me, sir," the miner replied, shaking his hand.  "You haven't missed a thing."



And just to show nothing beats bureaucracy when it comes to crazy humor...



"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.  May God bless you.  You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Friday Funnies - Revisited

With unemployment still stuck in the double-digits and layoffs increasing, we all can probably use a laugh or two now more than ever. (Remember, we make no promises for the quality of these jokes, only that they should bring a smile or two if for no other reason than because, well, bad humor is still humor, folks...)

Enjoy - and keep those interview stories coming!

***

"What's the best way to make $10 million running a winery?  That's easy.  First, start with $100 million."

- Anonymous

***

A lawyer dies and - for some reason - goes to heaven.  "There has to be a mistake," he tells St. Peter.  "I'm only fifty-five."  St. Peter checks his book and smiles.  "Not according to the timesheets you submitted..."

***

Two friends who love baseball make a promise to one another that the first one to pass on will somehow find a way to let the other know whether there is baseball in heaven.  Sure enough, after many years together, one of them passes away quietly.  A week later, his friend gets a very unusual long-distance call.  "Fred?" the voice says.  "It's Sam.  Listen, I'm up here in heaven, and I've got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" his friend asks.

"Turns out there IS baseball in heaven," his friend replies.  "In fact, I'm playing second base right now."

"Great," his buddy says.  "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the roster says you're going to be our starting pitcher next Wednesday..."

***

Return of the Zombie Descriptions

I've admittedly written far too many posts that include zombie similes - job descriptions that come back from the dead, opportunities that were never really "living" to begin with, etc.  And like many Gen-Xers, I probably watched far too many horror movies as a teen-ager.  (One of my favorite shows from last year was AMC's "The Walking Dead."  Women still love fairy tales and royal weddings, guys still love their gory movies and laughable monsters. What can I say, some things you just never really outgrow...) 

What brings this to mind was yet another "zombie job description" that caught my eye last week. I've spoken with a number of people about the less-than-honest practice many companies have of advertising positions that do not exist or that they have no intention of filling.  From the employers' perspective, this shady tactic always ensures a steady supply of current resumes from which the company can quickly select a few in the event a contract is won or if there is a sudden need for filling a position due to someone quitting or being transferred.  "Oh," they will say.  "We are always on the lookout for great talent!"

The problem with this practice is that it is really nothing more than false advertising and would be considered criminal if it were done by retail outlets trying to promote models that they no longer carry.  If you spot an advertisement for a new television and get to the store only to be told, "Oh, we're all out of that model - but for a few dollars more, you can have THIS one over here..." you can write to the Better Business Bureau and complain.  (Whether anything happens may well be another story, but at least you have some means to pursue your grievance.)  With employers, however, such advertising is not only common but all too standard a practice. 

Here is the latest zombie description I recently saw on Linked In that looked remarkably similar to a position I applied for last year.  The company's name has been redacted, but I'm posting a few lines from the description:

Job Title: Manager, Learning and Development - Learning Consultant
Job Summary:
This consulting role is responsible for working with the manager community and HR professionals to identify and understand learning and development needs and delivering programs to meet those needs (through vendors or internal design).  The consultant will execute against an annual Development Plan and is expected to work with the manager community (i.e., Manager through VP) to integrate them into the learning process.

Responsibilities:
1.    Identify capability gaps and develop plan to close gaps for the designated region

• Consult with manager community to determine short and long-term needs with respect to talent and capabilities
• Help delivery teams take full advantage of L&D to improve their performance
• Work closely with local People Strategists and Staffing team members to determine development needs.
• Produce an annual regional Development Plan
• Translate the capability needs into learning solutions (with either the L&D Design Team in India or local vendors)
• Work with the L&D Design Team in India to translate the capability needs into learning solutions

Now, check out this position advertised on Linked In just a week ago:

Type: Full-time
Experience: Mid-Senior level
Functions: Human Resources, Training, Education 
Industries: Information Technology and Services 
Job ID: 1723108
Manager - Learning & Development
[Company Name Redacted] (Washington D.C. Metro Area)
Job Description
Location(s) : United States-Virginia-Arlington

Schedule : Full-time

Job Summary:
This consulting role is responsible for working with the manager community and HR professionals to identify and understand learning and development needs and delivering programs to meet those needs (through vendors or internal design).  The consultant will execute against an annual Development Plan and is expected to work with the manager community (i.e., Manager through VP) to integrate them into the learning process.

Responsibilities:
1. Identify capability gaps and develop plan to close gaps for the designated region

• Consult with manager community to determine short and long-term needs with respect to talent and capabilities
• Help delivery teams take full advantage of L&D to improve their performance
• Work closely with local People Strategists and Staffing team members to determine   development needs.
• Produce an annual regional Development Plan
• Translate the capability needs into learning solutions (with either the L&D Design Team in India or local vendors)
• Work with the L&D Design Team in India to translate the capability needs into learning solutions

Not only was this the same company, it was obviously the exact same position description.  Verbatim.  And just to add some additional background:  This was the same firm that flew me up to Boston for a final interview and then never bothered to follow up with me about the job.  It is frustrating enough for any job seeker to be turned down, but to never even be told so much as, "Sorry, kid..." paints a particularly unprofessional picture. 

Granted, a cynic might say that the firm may well have hired someone else, forgotten to notify me as a candidate (a finalist???), and then had things not work out with that person, but it would seem to me that when such instances occur, the companies usually revise the description.  Maybe someone else has left & her responsibilities need to be taken over by someone else.  Maybe the last person couldn't do XYZ that wasn't on the description but which turned out to be an increasingly critical part of the job.  The point is that rarely if ever do companies simply post the same exact description for an actual opportunity. Unless, of course, they're just recycling dead copy for another zombie position that does not exist. 

And the sad thing is, as I write these words, many desperate job seekers are no doubt jumping at what they honestly think is a real opportunity that, in reality, is no more real than zombies themselves...

And the Updates Continue!

Sometimes the most difficult challenge of managing a blog about the job search process isn't coming up with material, it's sorting through all that's out there & trying to decide, "Okay, but is any of this really helpful?"  (Oh, sure, it can be funny, but trying to find something that's both amusing and helpful is, well, a Quixote-esque quest, if I can show my undergraduate English major roots here...)

That said, I thought this link was helpful and amusing, if for no other reason than for the photo selections the editors chose.  (Relax, it's safe for work and review - because if it weren't, well, it wouldn't be getting posted here!)

http://www.businessinsider.com/headhunters-reveal-11-ways-to-ruin-your-chances-of-getting-a-job-2011-6#holding-back-information-can-make-you-look-sneaky-1

How NOT to Write a Cover Letter

Most networking and job hunting seminars now advise people not to waste their time writing cover letters since - more often than not - they're simply not read.  Your resume goes into a database, and when the company wants to fill a position, they scan the database for relevant keywords and call the people whose resumes score within a certain range.  Consequently, spending hours crafting the perfectly worded cover letter seldom pays the benefits you would expect after investing hours of careful effort.

That being said, this guy seems to have the right approach - unless, of course, he wants to be taken seriously...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/23/epic-cover-letter_n_865569.html

The Jokes Keep Coming

One of the blessings of keeping a blog on a subject as universal as the job search is that people never stop sending tips, stories, or even the occasional cartoon (below).  In this case, while it's obvious this friend had the Mets on his mind, any Nats fan can undoubtedly share in the sentiment that also parallels this blog's thematic imagery.  (Could I sound any more like the proverbial English major with that sentence?  On second thought, don't answer that...)

Keep the faith!

Friday Funnies - Belated

Been a while since I updated these for Friday, but a friend forwarded this & it was too good not to post. 

(Reminder:  I have no copyright to this image, but since this is not a profiting blog, hey, take it as a chance to chuckle, okay?)

Friday Funnies

Just a few random bits to wind down the week & hopefully bring a much-needed smile.  Enjoy!

***

"Until you've stepped in dog doo on the way to an interview, you haven't had a bad experience yet."

- A Friend of Mine Who Actually Had This Happen to Him

***

"I once had a training session for a position, and the instructor kept checking her instant messenger and giggling over an exchange she was having with a co-worker.  This not only cut into our instruction time but made it abundantly clear where her primary focus was.  After about 15 minutes of this, I took out my Blackberry to check my messages.  Much to my surprise, the instructor glared at me almost immediately and said, "Could you please put that away while we're in this session?"  I left four months later!"

***

And this one from a few years back that actually made all the people in my grad school class groan because, well, it hit a bit too close to home for many of us:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcoDV0dhWPA

***

Friday Funnies - Resume Bloopers

Several years ago, I was having lunch with an intern and making the same hopeless attempt to educate someone who was 20 years old about the ways of the real world.  (To be fair, I am sure I was no different when I was his age, but that's beside the point here...) 

"Always proofread your resume," I told him.  "I can't emphasize that enough.  If you have even a single typo, it'll be the kiss of death - if you're lucky."

He paused.  "Just one typo?"

"Yes," I told him.  "And that's if you're lucky."

"What do you mean, 'if I'm lucky'?" he asked.

"Well," I told him.  "If it's just one typo and you're lucky, they'll just throw your resume in the wastebasket."

"What if it's more than one?" he asked.

I smiled.  "In that case, they'll put a post-it note on your resume and route it through the office so people can laugh at you." 

His face froze.  "Welcome to the real world," I told him.  "By the way, how's your sandwich?"

***

In keeping with this theme, here are some (supposed) actual bloopers from resumes.  Read at your own risk.

"Salary requirements: The higher the better!"

Explanation for any gaps in employment:  "I was unemployed."  (Well, hey, it's honest...)

Computer skills:  "I use a laptop."

"Directed $25 million anal shipping and receiving operations."  (Didn't we just talk about the importance of proofreading?)

"Received plague for performance."  (Well, I guess it bears repeating...)

"Position desired: Profreader."  (Double whammy.)


Got any zingers of your own?  Feel free to share - because, as always, the best ones are the ones we can't make up...

Sometimes They Come Back...

Okay, I admit it.  I overuse living dead analogies and zombie references far too often.  I've written about zombie job descriptions, undead positions, and countless interviews that made me feel as if I was conversing with someone whose pulse rate was questionable at best. 

And yet just when I think I've completely run my analogy into the ground and tell myself, "There can't POSSIBLY be another reference for this sort of thing," Fate decides to prove me wrong.  (But then again, if I learned my lesson, what would I post on a humor blog about job searching?)

Anyway, once upon a time I wrote about a particularly unfortunate interview experience involving a recruiter who forgot we had scheduled an interview. While that may in most circumstances be merely unfortunate and frustrating, this particular individual sought to place the "blame" for the miscommunication on me. ("Did anyone call you to confirm this interview?"  Silly me, I took him at his word when he scheduled the interview with me 48 hours prior...)  He then compounded the mistake by asking me to come back later, giving me a 45-minute rush-through, and then never replying to any of my subsequent e-mails.  (To be fair, I only sent him two - one to thank him for his time and the other to inquire if he had any leads or wanted to reconnect.  Apparently, he didn't.)  When I realized I was not working with a professional recruiter, I decided to focus my job search efforts elsewhere. 

About a year later, this same recruiter - again, who never provided me with any leads or replied to any of my inquiries - suddenly reached out.  He wanted to connect on Linked In!  As I wrote in my earlier posting, I declined. You would think that this was the end of the story, right?

Not quite.  It turns out this same fellow can be rather persistent in his desire to stay connected when it comes to trying to publicize his business and services. (These would be the same supposed services he could not be bothered to utilize my behalf when I sought to be one of his clients).  How do I know this?  Because just this week he tried to connect with me on Twitter. 

So picture this:  A fellow misleads you about his business services and capabilities, never follows up with you about any opportunities or positions, doesn't respond to any messages you send him, but then years later seeks to connect with you to help publicize his business.  When you turn that down, you would expect him to get the hint, but apparently that's asking a bit much of some people - especially if he can find you on Twitter and make yet another attempt to glom onto your likeness if he thinks it will help further his business.

Needless to say, I blocked him.  But the experience remind us all that there are plenty of unscrupulous souls out there.  As always, forewarned is indeed forearmed.

THIS is How Job Rejections Should Be Handled!

Admit it, it's the best use of those all-too-common finds in the mailbox during the job search:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RP4abiHdQpc

Friday Funnies

Sometimes a few puns are all it takes to bring a much-needed smile to the job seeker's face.  Enjoy!

***


"I've got a picture of the Supreme Court, but it really doesn't do them justice."

- George Carlin

"Advertising is the art of making whole lies out of half truths."

- Edgar Shoaff

"An optimist is one who knows exactly how bad a place the world can be; a pessimist is one who finds out anew every morning."

- Peter Ustinov

"Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem."

- John Galsworthy

"Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality the costs really do become prohibitive."

- William F. Buckley

When Companies Don't Know What They Want...

Everybody remembers the teenage breakup.  The long staring into one another's eyes, the endless tears, the never-ending pseudo-drama that inevitably ended with the same five words:

"It's not you, it's me."

And while we all probably contemplated various acts of revenge - breaking into the offending ex's house while s/he was away and dialing automated long-distance calls in order to run up enormous phone bills was a common fantasy among many of my friends - most of us inevitably just settled for the typical 16- or 17-year old idea of vengeance and TP'd the offending ex's house.

If only there were some modern equivalent for the job interview.

This week's story comes from a friend of mine who has seen the same position advertised by the same company not once, not twice, but three separate times.  What's changed, you ask?  Only the title.  Some of the following text has been changed to preserve anonymity, but the basics are regrettably all too accurate:

Director of Marketing
[Type] of firm seeks marketing director for media outreach and development...

My friend applied for the position and received a notice that the position had been canceled.  "Well," she said.  "Another case of a company talking before doing its thinking."  

But it didn't end there.  A couple of months later, she saw this position advertised by the same firm:

Marketing Manager
[Type] of firm seeks marketing manager or outreach and business development...

My friend applied for the job through the agency running the position and was surprised to be told, "Sorry, you already applied for this position a couple of months ago."

"But that position was canceled, I was told," my friend replied.


"No, it's the same job," she was told.  "The company couldn't find anyone qualified as a director, so they bumped it down." Well, my friend thought, so much for that.


But it doesn't end there.  Two weeks after this conversation, my friend was contacted by the agent and asked if she would be interested in the following position with the same firm:

Marketing Manager for Business Development
[Type] of firm seeks marketing manager for business development and outreach projects...

"So, let me get this straight," my friend told me.  "You have a company that advertises a position at one level, can't find anyone willing to take it the given salary, but rather than raise the salary a few thousand dollars to the competitive level necessary to attract qualified candidates, they bump the job down instead.  When that doesn't work, they bump it down EVEN MORE, thus wasting more time, effort - and yes, money - going through all these pointless efforts just to 'save' a few thousand dollars? 

Or, to put it more directly, how much is the company really "saving" if it is wasting so much staff time and effort running in circles like this one?

"It reminds me of Alice in Wonderland," my friend concluded.  "Where the cheshire cat says, 'You must be mad, or else you wouldn't have come here!"

How to Turn Off a Candidate, Part VI - The Disinvitation!

Almost everyone who has ever watched more than a few episodes of "Seinfeld" sooner or later starts drawing the inevitable comparisons between the show's quirkier settings and life's equally unusual events.

But sometimes the parallels are really uncanny.

In the famous "backwards episode," (aka, "the one where they go to India"), Elaine receives what she regards as a "disinvitation" to a friend's wedding.  The reasoning behind the "disinvite" stems from the fact that she receives the invitation only a few days before the actual event itself (which is in India).  Feeling deliberately snubbed, she decides to attend the wedding as a means of avenging the apparent slight.  "You mean you're going to go all the way to India just to attend a wedding out of spite?" Jerry asks.  "Yep," Elaine says.

What brought this to mind was the experience a woman I know had recently where she received what can probably only be described as a "disinterview."  Put more simply, the company asked her to "keep Tuesday morning open" for a possible interview but never actually got around to confirming either the interview or the planned time for it until after 9:00 p.m. the night before:

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Exxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
To: "[Name]" <[Name]@yahoo.com>
Sent: Mon, January 31, 2011 9:06:09 PM
Subject: Tomorrow

Hi.  I meant to give you a call today, but the day got the better of me…apologies.

As mentioned on Friday, mid-morning tomorrow works to meet with some of the team.  I have you starting at 10am and meeting with me, [PERSON] (who is a Marketing Manager on the [XTZ] team) and [SOMEONE] (whom you spoke with).

Please let me know if that works for you.

Thanks.

Exxxxxxxxxxxxxx


I've written before about some of the ways companies try to shift the blame to candidates for mixups regarding meetings and planned events or how they can be known to cancel interviews on the spot after someone has driven across town, but even by forgiving standards, this is another low.  You have to wonder if,  like Elaine's "disinvitation," the company is deliberately trying to dissuade the candidate from interviewing.

Suppose a candidate tried this approach and tried leaving a voice mail on someone's office machine at 9:07 the night before. "Mr. Johnson?  Suzie Q. here.  I apologize for the late notice, but I appreciate your keeping "mid morning" open for me tomorrow.  As luck would have it, I can see you at 9:00 a.m...." Chances are the candidate would not only be denied an opportunity for interviewing with Mr. Johnson, she probably wouldn't even be admitted to the building.

But leaving that aside, this candidate was apparently expected to block out her entire morning - remember she needs to allow for time to and from the location - for an interview that might or might not come through.  And on top of that she somehow was expected to be online after 9:00 p.m. to get the message that the interview would be going forward.  She would then have to make arrangements to get out of whatever professional obligations she already had scheduled for the next day (part time job, volunteering, personal commitments like child care, etc.) and get downtown for the interview.  And assuming she was able to do that, would there be an actual job waiting for her?

"No, there wouldn't," the woman told me after sharing her story. "They indicated the already had other candidates for the position, so this would simply have been another informational or pipeline interview.  In other words, even if I could have made it, you could hardly say it would have been worth it."

So what did she do?  Upon receiving the e-mail the next day - at 9:15 a.m. when she logged onto her personal e-mail from her office location - the woman sent a polite but steadfast reply advising the recruiter that the time did not work, that she had a part-time job she would need to arrange time away from (and which she indicated she had mentioned during initial conversations) but that she was still interested in possibly rescheduling for another time.  She followed up with a voice-mail that afternoon and another the next day.

She never received a reply. 

"I can't say I'm that upset," she confessed.  "Given the lack of notice that they gave and the lack of any follow-up or response, I'm not convinced it would have been a good use of my time to have tried to interview with them anyway."

How to Turn Off a Potential Candidate, Part V

Just when you think you've seen everything, something happens to make you realize that what defines the concept of "rock bottom" still has a long way to go.

Back in November, I began interviewing with a local company that has a regional headquarters in Richmond.  For obvious reasons, I can't disclose the name, but suffice it to say they are a Fortune 500 firm with what initially seemed to be a very respectable reputation.  A friend put my name in the hopper for a position, and I soon received a phone interview for a screening.  Shortly after, I had a second phone interview with the hiring manager, followed by an invitation to interview in-person down in Richmond.  (Note:  I live 90 miles north of the city.)  In keeping with our usual format, here are some take-aways the company & others like it might want to note:

If you want to turn off your candidates, drag the interview process out over a number of months.  This has been mentioned before, and while it's certainly understandable that companies want to move cautiously when hiring, taking months as opposed to weeks can convey a negative impression to candidates as to how management operates and how efficiently the organization conducts its business. 

If you invite a candidate down for an in-person interview, make no attempt to reimburse him or her for any related expenses that they incur.  So what if they have to drive nearly 200 miles round trip for the interview and wind up paying for all the gas, tolls, and meals out of their own pocket?  They won't look unfavorably upon you for making them pay these expenses on their own if they really want a job.  In fact -

If the candidate stays with relatives to avoid incurring any overnight accommodation expenses and save you money, consider that a side benefit that does not require any expression of appreciation on your part.  Sure, some folks abuse their expense accounts the way most rock stars do their livers and personal assistants, but that's no reason to thank them for trying to save you money. 

Don't acknowledge any follow-up messages or thank-you notes.  Look, we understand that for legal purposes - as well as just the normal hesitancy that accompanies the interview and decision-making process - you need to keep responses and replies to a minimum.  But if someone travels a good distance to interview in person with you and takes the time to send a polite follow up, a decent acknowledgment or thank-you on your part is hardly going to require that much effort.  You can probably even have a template created for forwarding if you're really worried about saying anything that might cause legal concern.  Of course, if you really want to take things up a notch -

Don't reply to any follow-up messages of any kind.  Sure, the candidate may reach out to you after a week or two to express continued interest, but rather than reply or answer the queries, it's probably best just to ignore them altogether.  That'll show 'em how great you are!

But best of all, if someone does all of these things and provides samples, portfolio pieces, project summaries, and outlines of the ways s/he is looking forward to contributing -

Don't show them the professional courtesy and respect you would expect for a finalist, treat them like an anonymous applicant instead!  There is no need to bother with a personal e-mail or phone call thanking them for their efforts and interest; just let them know your decision by making sure they receive the same automated rejection you would normally forward to anyone sending a resume in response to a position listing in the local paper!


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Human Resources
To: Jxxxxxxxxn
Sent: Sun, January 30, 2011 8:36:41 PM
Subject: Status of Application

Dear John

Thank you for your interest in the position of [XYZ].  After careful review of your resume we have decided to proceed with other candidates.

Please continue to visit the [our career] website to review additional opportunities for which you are qualified.  We wish you every personal and professional success with your future job search. Thank you for your interest in [XYZ].

Sincerely,

[XYZ] Staffing

 Replies to this message are undeliverable.  Please do not reply.




I've said before that in an era of online media and social networking, companies need to be very careful with how they treat candidates.  While nobody likes to learn that s/he did not get a particular job, candidates who are let down in a professional manner that shows respect and appreciation for their interest are far more likely to reapply for other opportunities with the company, particularly those that might be an even better fit for their skills and expertise.  That's the difference between treating someone professionally vs. giving them a reason to go online to an Internet chat room, bulletin board, or job networking site and post critical reviews of the company and how it treats its applicants and candidates. 

And while in a down market when so many people are desperately looking for work these kinds of shoddy practices might be overlooked or dismissed, over the long-term such practices have the potential to do tremendous damage to a company's image and its ability to attract and recruit key talent.  In short, damaging your brand identity today can undermine your competitive standing tomorrow.

But then, if that's not a concern of yours as a hiring manager, there's certainly no need to worry about that now is there?

How to Turn Off a Potential Candidate, Part IV

(Editorial note:  The following is a reflection on a series of actual interviews I had with a particular firm last year. Some specifics - time, circumstances, etc. - have been changed to preserve anonymity; but the experiences and sentiments are all real.)

As I've said before, perhaps nothing frustrates a serious job candidate more than spending hours in careful preparation only to find that the people he (or she) ultimately meets with haven't done anywhere near the same amount of work in return.  Sure, we all know the playing field is not level when it comes to candidates and hiring managers, but if you expect someone  to leap through hoops and walk across water to impress you, a little homework on your own part might be in order if for no other reason than common courtesy.  If not, well, then you get scenarios like this one...

***

10.  First, drag the interview process out over several months. Nothing says "We move quickly here" or conveys how competently decisions are made at the company than this.  After a series of phone interviews, when you think you're ready for that final step -

9.  Make the candidate fly several hundred miles to meet with you even if the office where he'll be working is simply a few miles down the road from his house.  Sure, in an era of virtual technology, Skype connections, and online linkage, having someone spend an entire day just traveling to meet with you for 3-4 hours will seem like an excellent use of his time and yours.  Bonus?  When he arrives  -

8.  Tell him you've been trying to fill this position for a year.  See Item #10 again.  (Seriously, go ahead.  I'll wait.)  Nothing says, "We're a very organized outfit" and "outstanding management" than confessing this up front.  Rest assured your candidate will not sink back in his chair and think, "Let me get this straight:  You're telling me in this job market you people can't find a suitable candidate for this position?"  Oh, and while you're at it -

7.  Forget something as basic and fundamental as remembering to bring your own business card to the interview.  Better still?  Don't bother to bring one after any breaks.   Let's face it:  There's probably no better way to say, "I'm not prepared for this interview" or "I'm not taking this all that seriously" than this.  It's especially helpful for letting the candidate know just how long it's been since you interviewed for a position.  In fact, if this isn't good enough, you can always -

6.   Interview him while wearing tennis shoes. Sure, he's taken the time to wear a professional suit and pressed shirt with a matching tie - probably even wore it on the plane, in fact - but nothing says, "Gotcha!  We're a casual office!  Isn't that great?" than this.  (And don't worry - he's not sizing you folks up the way you are him and thinking, "Huh???")  Better still -

5.  When the time comes for the team portion of the interview, argue in front of the candidate over the role-playing exercise.  This works especially well if you neglected to tell the candidate that you would be giving him a case study in the first place. Have one manager question what his "role" is supposed to be in the interview, bicker a bit, and then have him re-read the instructions you were just given.  This tells him just how much preparation you're putting into this evaluation process and how seriously you're taking his candidacy. (Trust me, he won't think you're just going through the motions at this stage.)  Want to go really over the top?  Well, then -

4.  Don't call him a cab when the interview is over, make him walk!  Sure, the train station might be just up the street where he can catch a cab back to the airport, but there's no need to be overly courteous.  Besides, a little walk through the mud and dirt in summer (or snow and slush in winter) to get there will do him some good in his fine dress shoes!  This in addition to everything else will be especially helpful if this is a supposedly final interview and you -

3. Tell the candidate you can't discuss salary or benefits.  After all, there's no reason to be discussion this at this stage, is there?  And putting some sort of benefits summary together - or even better, putting it online or having the recruiter forward it in advance - is obviously way too much trouble. 

2.  Don't bother replying to any follow-up messages the candidate sends.  Sure, there are probably countless legal reasons why you don't (or can't) say too much; but if someone takes the time to send a courtesy follow-up via e-mail or even a handwritten note, simply ignoring him and then calling out of the blue for an interview is a great way to make a strong impression.  If that's not to your liking, however, you could always just -

1.  Send a completely generic thanks-but-no-thanks message after the interview.  Candidates will probably spend a great deal of time working through their courtesy follow-ups - some professional organizations still advise sending old-fashioned full-page thank-you letters on fancy letterhead spelling out precisely why you enjoyed talking with everyone and why you would be a strong fit for the job - but that's no reason to put any real thought behind your reply.   In fact, simply saying, "Thanks for interviewing and we hope your travel back was uneventful" can tell the candidate plenty about how well his time was spent that day.


Got any stories of your own?  Feel free to share!

Friday Funnies

Neither snow nor sleet nor rain nor hail shall stop the determined job seeker (or humor-seeking blogger); and after a crazy week of travels and snow stoppages, it's time to relax and chuckle a bit with some offbeat quotes.  Enjoy!

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"The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of meda clamor that brought it on."

- G. Ray Funkhouser

"Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't even allow in your own home."

- David Frost

"Too often, the strong, silent man is silent only because he does not know what to say - and he is reputed to be strong only because he has remained silent."

- Winston Churchill

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of."

- Burt Bacharach

"A committee is defined as a group of the unwilling, chosen by the unfit, to do the unwanted and unnecessary."

- Richard Harkness

"Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

- Franklin P. Jones

Friday Funnies - More Bad Dates

As is the danger of posting a humorous insight, one runs the risk of setting off a chain reaction that can occasionally be difficult to control.  For instance, posting how bad interviews parallel bad dates can touch off all kinds of memories and insights people are just too willing to share.  To that end, we present this continuation of yesterday's list of common interview / layoff phrases and their equally bad dating equivalents.  Why is this funny?  Because let's face it, it's all too true.

Enjoy!

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"This position has been canceled; but we do want to thank you for your interest in our firm."
It's not you, it's me.

"After further consideration, we have elected to fill this position internally."
Dude, she was just using you to make her boyfriend jealous.

"We wish you well in your future endeavors."
You'll find someone else.

"We aren't hiring anyone at this time."
I'm just going through a phase right now.

"Due to some recent developments, we have reopened our search regarding this position."
I think we should see other people.

"This is to inform you that your position has been identified as one that will be affected by our new reorganization.  Please report to HR tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. where a representative from our service team will show you where to go."
- You've just been dumped by text message. -   

"It's just not working out."
It's just not working out.

"Due to our reorganization, our needs for this position have changed; and we will no longer require your services."
I just need some space right now.

"Although your qualifications are excellent, I'm afraid we can't match your salary requirements at this time."
You're too good for me.

"I saw this job posting and thought immediately of you."
Ready for another blind date?  

Bad Dates

"The problem," my friend told me as we were having coffee the other day, "is that interviewing for a job is like going on a first date and then deciding whether you want to get married afterward." 

I nearly spat my coffee across the table when he said it, because let's face it, there was no denying the truth in his words.  The interview-dating comparison has been made before; Jerry Seinfeld reportedly said job interviews were "like first dates but without the threat of sex at the end."  (One can only assume he was not discussing the adult film industry, but hey, just because rules aren't absolute does not mean they aren't necessarily true otherwise...) 

But this line of thought got me to thinking - what are some of the ways job interviews ARE like dates?  As usual, once my mind got running, it was hard to slow down (for better or worse), so here are a few starter examples:

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"We'd like you to come in for an interview tomorrow afternoon.  Does that work?"
This is the desperate guy calling you on Thursday for a Friday date.  While not as bad as the schmuck who calls you on Friday evening for one, you have to admit it still has something of an unpleasant odor about it...

"We've restarted our hiring process for this year and were wondering if you were still in the job market."
This is the guy who has already gone through his date book and now wants to talk to you because everyone else has other commitments. (Side note:  A Fortune 50 company called me just this week with a variation on this very same play of words.  I'm not proud of it, but yes, I swallowed my pride and said I would be happy to speak with them.  What can I say, everybody wants a prom date...)

"So-and-so gave us your resume and said we should connect with you regarding an opening we have."
"My friend said you were cute!"

"So, tell me about yourself!"
This is the overly-eager suitor-seeker who wants to run through her mental checklist with you at the dinner table to see how well you qualify against the other guys she's seeing.

"This sounds like a very promising match.  Do you have some references we could check?"
This is the dreaded "friends test."  Sure, her Mom and Dad may hate your living guts, but everyone knows that's not anywhere near the same kiss of death as her girlfriends thinking you're a jerk. 
"While we enjoyed talking with you, we have decided to go with other candidates whose qualifications best suit our needs."
This is the professional equivalent of having just had a bad blind date. 

"Your employment will be conditional on a 90-day probationary period after which your status will be evaluated."
We want to see if you're marriage material or just a summer fling.

"Although we were very impressed with your credentials..."
"He tries too hard."

"I followed up with a thank-you note and left a voice-mail, but they never got back to me."
Same thing.

"We need to perform our due diligence and complete a background check on you before we can offer you employment."
"Honey, Google that guy to make sure he's not a stalker!"


Got some others?  Feel free to share!

The Waiting

The waiting is the hardest part

Every day get one more yard

You can take it on faith 

Or take it to the heart

But the waiting is the hardest part.

- Tom Petty

Everybody who has ever interviewed for a position knows that feeling of dread that accompanies the inevitable anticipation afterward.  You spend any number of weeks preparing for the interview, take your best shot, and then play the waiting game for days or weeks.

And sometimes you even play it for months. 

Case in point:  I interviewed back in November and December with three different organizations - one prominent bank, one consulting firm, and a local college.  I understood at the time that the holiday season was likely to throw some delays into the process, but I accepted that as a simple but inevitable fact of life. 

Want to know which organization got back to me the quickest?  The college.  

You read that right.  The education institution - hardly a profession ordinarily known for expedience when it comes to decision-making - was the one that got back to me the quickest with its decision (which was negative, although I was apparently one of the top three finalists).  In other words, an international consulting organization and Fortune 500 bank could not move faster than a local college in terms of follow-up and next steps.  

But here's where it gets worse:  The consulting firm followed up last week and asked me for a third interview (which I've accepted because, hey, let's face it, I'm still unemployed), but the bank has to date said absolutely nothing to me as far as any updates or decision announcements.  Being the good job seeker, I've naturally done the obligatory polite follow-ups - thank-you e-mails, follow-up expressions of interest, an even a voice-mail - but as of this writing, I've heard only crickets.  

Which brings me to the point of this posting:  Just how difficult is it for companies that interview candidates several times to update them on their situation or status?  Granted, nobody likes getting bad news, but to refuse to even reply to courtesy messages or provide any follow-up input whatsoever only makes the company look bad.  (It also raises questions in the candidate's mind about the level - or lack - of professionalism at the organization; but then again, one must always remember that the unemployed job seeker is much like the proverbial beggar in that, well, he can't really be a chooser...) 

But seriously, one would think that an organization that truly prides itself on professional behavior and codes of conduct and ethics (or at least claims to) should at the very least be able to update serious candidates with at least a courtesy reply as to his or her status in a job search.  Hitting the "reply" key and acknowledging a message with something as simple as "We'll be in touch" or "We're still evaluating" at least tells the person on the other end something vs. leaving him hanging.  

And there's more:  It also helps lay some promising foundation for good communication going forward even if the candidate in question is not the one ultimately selected for the position.  Think about how many times someone chosen for a job either does not work out or leaves the position shortly after accepting to take a better offer elsewhere.  The company then has to restart the search process all over again when it might save itself a good deal of time and effort by at least staying on good terms with interested parties since some may be happy to take a job even if they know they were not necessarily the first choice.  (Besides, the company might not have been the candidate's first choice, either.)  

But giving serious candidates the silent treatment only conveys disinterest at best or mismanagement at worst - and neither serves a company's interests in the long term.

Good Intentions Gone Awry

A good friend recently sent me one of the latest "10 Things Not to Do in a Job Interview" articles that's been floating around the Internet.  Coming to us courtesy of the good folks at AOL, the article offers the usual insightful gems about "not being late" and "not pestering the interviewer after the interview."

As I read the listing, I could not help but think of all the things companies have done during my search to turn others as well as myself off as candidates - you can read some of those lovely experiences here, here, and here for starters - and yet the question still remains, Why isn't anyone writing about these errors instead of the ones supposedly made by candidates?

I mean, let's face it, anyone who actually has to be reminded not to be late for a job interview is probably going to be unemployed for a whole host of reasons.  Yet I can honestly recall any number of instances where I've shown up for interviews that resulted in my being given the pleasure of sitting in the lobby for as long as half an hour before the interviewer finds himself/herself ready to discuss the position.  (This assumes, of course, that there is even an opportunity in existence since most firms make it a policy these days to simply interview continuously so they can have a steady supply of applicants in the event they ever do develop an opening vs. interviewing when one actually pops up.)

But what's worse, many of the most prominent consulting firms make such a haphazard (if not frantic) effort at their hiring, that they often display the very sort of ignorance that would get a candidates laughed out of the office if they displayed it themselves.  For instance, when I recently interviewed at one prominent consulting firm, I could not be told which position I would be interviewing for (which obviously made preparation all but impossible), nor could I be told the names of the people who would be interviewing me because the firm itself did not know and would not know until the day of the interview.  Whoever was available that day - and they were still running around the interview rooms putting up sign-up sheets the morning of my interview - would be my interview panel.

Want to guess how much time these folks spent reviewing my resume and learning anything about my background and experience before our talk?

Now, turn this scenario around.  If I went into an interview without learning about the company or without learning the names and backgrounds of the people I would be talking with, I would fail Job Interview Preparation 101.  Yet this prominent firm obviously thought that this race-through method was the best way to evaluate talent for its needs.

I could go on - I've had interviewers who checked their instant-messages during our conversations or who forget to turn their own cell phones off before we started our discussion - but the point's pretty clear:  It would be nice if someone could do an Interview 101 for the interviewers who make applicants' lives miserable by so often displaying the kind of behavior that the interviewee has painstakingly learned and been instructed not to exhibit.  A little common courtesy could go a very long way.

Strange Interview Questions

It's well known that some of the most unusual interview questions come from consulting organizations.  Many of them parallel the Barbara Walters interview style of "if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?" 

Granted, these seldom have any actual real-world application, but they do serve a two-fold purpose:  1) They act as "brainteasers" to see how applicants think, and 2) They give interviewers the smug (if not sadistic) satisfaction of "knowing" the right answer while watching some poor applicant struggle to guess at the correct answer.

If that sounds overly critical, ask yourself how you would respond if you spent several hours polishing your resume and rehearsing your likely responses to questions about your background and experience only to be confronted with gems like these:

1) "If you were shrunk to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?"

2) "How many ridges [are there] around a quarter?"

3) "What is the philosophy of martial arts?"

4) "Explain [to] me what has happened in this country during the last 10 years."

5) "Rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how weird you are." (There's a safe one!)

6) "How many basketball[s] can you fit in this room?"

7) "Out of 25 horses, pick the fastest 3 horses. In each race, only 5 horses can run at the same time. What is the minimum number of races required?"

8) "If you could be any superhero, who would it be?"

For additional questions - along with a listing of candidates' responses - feel free to visit the Atlanta Business Chronicle. 

 

Friday Funnies - Truthful Sayings

It's often said that a sense of humor is essential to keeping a balanced perspective (or at least for riding out the tough times).  To that end, we devote today's listing to Mr. Ernie Zelinski, author of the book, The Joy of Not Working and who found a way to mix humor and self-promotion via the same Top 10 Listing.

Enjoy!

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Top 10 Workplace / Office Problems

1.  Every solution breeds new problems.

2.  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

3.  If you have the time for a work project, you won't have the money.  If you have the money, you probably won't have the time.

4.  Nothing is as inevitable as a screwup whose time has come.

5. Things go right in the workplace sometimes so that they can go terribly wrong at others.

6.  There is no office job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.

7. It is easier to get into trouble than to get out of trouble.

8.  No matter how well you perform a task, a superior will find something wrong and modify the results.


9.  When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will.  At first.

10. Not being able to read the international bestseller The Joy of Not Working by Ernie Zelinski (over 225,000 copies sold and published in 17 languages) at work without your boss or co-worker being irritated  and not knowing that you are actually creating a great work/life balance with the principles from this book.
 

What I Learned from Classic Cinema: Office Space

Not since "Network" captured the insanity of television in the 1970s has any film so perfectly epitomized the passive-aggressive purgatory that is the modern office.  And while we may snicker at the Y2K references (remember those?) and the 3.5" diskettes that were the lifeblood of office file sharing before the Internet and thumb-drives, Mike Judge's satirical look at one young professional's doldrums has become a modern classic (albeit one that took home video to recognize since it reportedly bombed at the box office). 

But what's that?  You didn't realize the film has substance as well as comedy?  Or that it contained nuggets of advice for the job seeker?  Good thing you decided to take a coffee break and read a blog today!

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Remember, trying too hard can actually undermine your efforts.  Remember how Peter's career took off once he stopped caring?  Bagging meetings and skipping functions made him seem too busy and important to be bothered with all the day-to-day; and while that's obviously something that we've all probably seen at one time or another, it's certainly not recommended for career advancement in most cases.  Nevertheless, think about all those interviews you spent hours and hours preparing for that fell apart when it turned out the company was in a hiring freeze all along.  Keep a balanced perspective so you don't fall into the trap of caring too much - at least not until the time is right...

If your best career advice is coming from a mullet-wearing wacko, it's time to rethink things.  Remember Lawrence's advice to Peter through the wall about "not wanting you to [mess] up my life, too"?  (On top of his advice for what Peter should watch out for when he goes to PMITA prison?)  If slacker weirdos are giving you advice on your job and it's starting to sound good, you may be in the wrong line of work.

Never underestimate the power of little things to affect people greatly.  Who knew a red stapler would not only become something obsessive for a fictional coworker but go on to carry so much meaning as an inside joke to anyone who ever saw a movie?

If you have a "case of the Mondays," just deal with it.  No more need be said here. 

Everybody hates office equipment.  Remember the scene where the trio exacts its revenge on the printer for all its frustrating jams?  The scene's been parodied countless times, even on Fox's Family Guy. Take some comfort that you're not alone...

Honesty is still the best policy when it comes to interviews.  Look how well Peter did after his frank talk with the Bobs!  Some up-front honesty & no-holds-barred discussion got him a promotion and supervisory responsibilities.  Granted, one of the Bobs was "Paul" from Cheers and the other went on to play the psychotic Dr. Cox on Scrubs, but that's Hollywood and this is real life, so what can we tell you...

Learn to rise above the day-to-day.  Sure, planning elaborate schemes for revenge can be fun, but trying to translate them into action - as Peter did - can get you into unbelievable trouble.  (And don't expect a mumbling office associate to cover your backside by burning things - see the above mention of Hollywood vs. real life.)  And speaking of mumbling office weirdos -

Always watch the quiet ones.  Remember how Milton was finally pushed too far when they put his desk in the boiler room?  Taking his beloved stapler was bad enough, but that was the last straw.  Now, think back to any news report you've ever seen on a serial killer.  Didn't they all have those phrases like, "kept to himself mostly" and "loner" included in them?  (Side note:  These are words you never want to see beneath your own photo in the paper, by the way...)  Just some food for thought here - you don't want people thinking of Milton when you show up for your interview and start quietly stumbling through reasons why you should be hired...