Modern Sisyphus: Stewie, thanks so much for taking the time to talk with us today. We really appreciate it.
Stewie: Oh, please. This is what I get for having the fat man as my agent. Go on.
Modern Sisyphus: Well, let's start with the obvious. Your show, "Family Guy," is now in its ninth season. You've won three Emmy awards and become one of the most recognized animated characters on television, yet you haven't aged a day in almost ten years. To what do you attribute your youth and longevity?
Stewie: Lazy animators. You know what it's like wearing the same clothes year after year? It's downright tedious, I tell you. And what's worse, every year I don't age is another year my inevitable domination of the world has to be pushed back. It's positively insidious.
Modern Sisyphus: I see. Well, moving right along -
Stewie: God, yes. Please.
Modern Sisyphus: Well, let's see. You're only twelve months old, but you've already built a time machine, traveled through space, reduced yourself to microscopic size to travel through the human body, and repeatedly proven yourself capable of tasks most adults could never dream of accomplishing. How do you do it?
Stewie: God-given talent, a supreme intelligence, and the simple gullibility of people to believe anything when it comes to toddlers and their future capabilities. It's very similar to what makes them believe dogs can talk, don't you know.
Modern Sisyphus: Mm-hmm. Well, let's try a different tack here since we're supposed to be talking about job-seeking skills. What would be your advice for people in the job market today?
Stewie: Let me put it this way: Jimmy Carter was supposedly the most honest and moral of presidents; and he only lasted one term. Bill Clinton was a serial liar who preyed on twenty-something interns and fibbed about it, yet he not only got re-elected but still rates higher in the polls than either the current president or his predecessor. You tell me what to conclude.
Modern Sisyphus: (Shifting through 3 x 5 cards) I see, well, umm, let's go with this next question. Let's try and focus on actual job interview skills for a moment. What do you look for in a new employee?
Stewie: Oh, please. Everyone looks for the same thing - chemistry and compatibility. Qualifications only get you in the door; the rest of the time everyone is wondering whether they can work with you or if you're just someone who will max out the substance abuse program benefits in the first 90 days before going on disability.
Modern Sisyphus: (Shifting uncomfortably in chair) I see. Well, what qualifications would you look for specifically in someone you were thinking of hiring?
Stewie: I always seek the same characteristics: ambition, perseverance, and - oh! And a goal-oriented nature! That's so essential! You know, like Joaquin Phoenix's character in Gladiator.
Modern Sisyphus: Because of his focus on pursuing power and success?
Stewie: Well, yes, that. And I thought he looked just wonderful in his gladiator outfit. I just love movies about gladiators. Spartacus was very underrated, don't you think?
Modern Sisyphus: (Coughs) Okay, moving along to our next question. Suppose you were in a job interview and someone asked you for your greatest strength. What would that be?
Stewie: I think most workplace minions would answer that they want someone whose strength reflects the number one skill required for the job. You would think that goes without saying, but in a country where people actually confused The Dukes of Hazzard with entertainment, you clearly have to assert the obvious from time to time. In my case, I would say the number of times I can plot to end the life of a certain redhead on our show. The possibilities are simply infinite. If I had to pick a second, it would be the ability to soil myself at any time of my choosing. You think any other world leaders besides Kim Jong Il can do that and get away with it?
Modern Sisyphus: I'm going to let that slide without comment. Suppose you're asked about a greatest weakness?
Stewie: Oh, God. That's the most atrocious of questions. Do what they say and announce something you're trying to address and fix; but make sure it's not too serious. For me, it's probably having a talking dog as your only companion who remotely understands you.
Modern Sisyphus: But isn't Brian your friend?
Stewie: "Friend" is a polite way of phrasing it. He simply taxes my patience every week with his self-appointed moralizing and ethical contradictions. How many dogs do you know who can hold their liquor the way he does?
Modern Sisyphus: Okay, let's try another question. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
Stewie: Being the only leading character on a sitcom with a head shaped like a perfectly natural football. As far as I can tell, it's never been done before or since, so that makes me quite the groundbreaker, if I do say so myself.
Modern Sisyphus: We're getting close to our time here. Let's try this one: Which world leader do you most admire?
Stewie: Oh, the same as everyone else, I suppose. Niccolo Machiavelli.
Modern Sisyphus: I see. Because of The Prince?
Stewie: Well, that, and he simply looked wonderful in 16th century Florentinian clothing. They say clothes make the man, you know.
Modern Sisyphus: Um, okay. I do want to add one final actual work-related question. When you're asked one those typical behavioral questions that begin with "Tell me about a time when..." what's the best way to respond?
Stewie: Give me an example.
Modern Sisyphus: Well, there's always the "Tell me about a time when you had a conflict with someone and how you handled it."
Stewie: Oh, heavens. People always want to know if you do your best to resolve things amicably and peacefully. Have something in your back pocket you can take out to impress and reassure. As for me, though, I prefer to resolve things in a more direct manner.
Modern Sisyphus: Yes, we know about how you don't care to be owed money. Listen, before we close, I really feel obligated to remind our readers that this is an entirely fictitious interview and that we have no copyright whatsoever to your name, likeness, or character -
Stewie: Oh, please. In a world where Stephenie Meyer can be considered a novelist and J.K. Rowling can blatantly rip off Tolkien's wise-wizard figure and make millions doing it, I hardly think Fox will be coming after you for this travesty of a so-called blog you're writing. Besides, you think that MacFarlane fellow got permission to "borrow" my voice from Rex Harrison? Or that the Flintstones got permission from The Honeymooners all those years ago when they started out? Besides, you're not making any profit from this online rag. If you were, I'd be demanding payment for this transparent attempt at an interview.
Modern Sisyphus: Yes, er, I see. Okay, well, thank you -
Stewie: Listen, call the fat man if you're still looking for work in the next few months. I'm always looking for flunkies who won't threaten my plans for world domination, and you sound like precisely the sort of nice fellow I can exploit ruthlessly for my own personal gain.
Modern Sisyphus: Um, thanks - I think. Any parting words of thought for our readers?
Stewie: Yes. Please watch the all-new "Family Guy" Sunday nights at 9:00 only on Fox!
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