Friday Funnies

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar.  Taking a seat at the nearest table, they quickly summon the waitress.  "Bring me a pint of that finest of the world's beers," says the American.  "I'll have a Samuel Adams, please."  Not to be outdone, the Englishman snorts, "I say, bring me a tall glass of the finest ale the world has ever known:  Bass."  The three turn to the Irishman.  Looking at them both with weary disgust, he says, "I'll just have some water, lassie.  Thanks."  The waitress moves off and returns moments later with their orders.  As the men are raising their glasses, the American and the Englishman can no longer restrain themselves and inquire why the Irishman ordered water instead of Guinness.  "Lads," the Irishman says gently.  "If you'll not be drinkin' this afternoon, then neither will I." 

***

A novice parachutist is plummeting toward the earth and decides the time has come to pull his ripcord.  Yanking it hard, he waits for his chute to deploy.  Nothing happens.  He pulls it again.  Again, nothing.  Panicking, he begins pulling on the ripcord for all he's worth.  No change.  As he's about to begin saying his prayers, he looks down and sees another man flying up toward him.  "Hey!" he shouts as the other fellow flies past.  "Do you know anything about stuck parachutes?"
"No," shouts the man as he zooms past.  "Know anything about gas stoves?"

***

"Women always say the thing they value most in a man is a sense of humor.  Well, I'm here to tell you it's not true.  Twenty years in this business and I can tell you without a doubt there's no such thing as a comedian groupie."

- Jeff Foxworthy

***

A common tale of Winston Churchill's wit had him engaging in a conversation with a woman after having had one too many glasses of sherry.  Being politically opposite the prime minister, the woman reportedly huffed, "My dear Winston, you are a horrible, horrible man!  If you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your drink!"  Churchill reportedly looked back at her and without missing a beat said, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"

***

And one for the month of October:  A woman and her husband were set to attend a costume party in matching bear costumes.  At the last moment, however, the woman told her husband she felt ill and said he should go on without her.  An hour later, however, she began to feel guilty about making him go alone, so she decided to attend the party anyway.  Feeling mischievous, she decided to put on a harlot's costume instead of the bear outfit to see if her husband would recognize her. When she arrived at the party, however, she was horrified to see her husband dirty dancing with a young woman in a similar costume!

"I'll show him," the wife growled. 

Sneaking up behind the couple, she whispered seductively into the bear's ear and suggested the two go out to the car for a quick tryst.  Sure enough, he grabbed her hand and the two raced out to the car for a half hour of passion.  As they were heading back into the party, the woman said, "Oh, I forgot something in the car - I'll see you inside."  She ran back to her car, jumped in and raced home. 

Arriving back home, the woman quickly changed out of her costume and grabbed her rolling pin.  "I'll show him to cheat on me with some floozy he meets at a costume party!"  She waited until her husband came home, which he did a few hours later. 

"So," she demanded, beating the pin against her palm.  "How was the party, mister?"

Her husband turned and began hanging up his coat.  "Oh, you know I never enjoy these things when you're not around," he said over his shoulder.  "I spent the evening playing cards with the guys in the den; but I heard the guy I gave my costume to got lucky with some woman in a harlot's costume!"